a sort of mood
I remember when my best friend broke up with me - it was a slow gradual withdrawal from conversation, from hanging out - I could be in his room burning mix cds and he would not speak to me. It got so bad that I started hanging out with his little sister just because he was always busy or had something else to do. We got along well and we had some good conversations, but she was in no way a replacement for the friendship I had with her brother. (Also, for further clarification - our friendship had always been platonic and there was no sexual attraction on either side as he was gay and I disengage from romantic feelings.)
But all the while, he was slowly but systematically figuring out how to extricate himself from my life - that when it ended, I was reduced to writing an almost Dear John letter - asking all the things that scorned/scared people do - what's the matter? Why won't you talk to me? Why can't you talk to me? Is it me? What did I do wrong? What the hell is wrong with you?
We had been friends for almost eight years when it ended in an unsatisfying missive of vague passive aggressive hurt.
I still don't know why he stopped talking to me, and our friends swallowed the distance between us awkwardly but swiftly. (In the end I kept all the girl friends and he kept the mutual boy friends.) Oh, and the sister said she didn't feel comfortable talking to me either afterwards.
I've had people drift out of my life and I've done drifting on my own. I've been called out for being secretive and aloof and pretentious and condescending (which are all character traits I own up to) and I know realistically that some people are only meant to be in my life for a brief moment. Different interests, different cities, different places in life goals and ambitions. You can only hold on for so long but people leave.
Tonight I just felt the great sudden absence of - everything. Of conversations, of comfortable silence that isn't really comfortable anymore and more along the lines of I don't know what to say to you. I'm no longer interesting or our vocabulary has changed to the point where I'm behind or talking another language completely and small talk seems even smaller and more forced.
And I thought - is this it? Is this the point where we say good bye? I should be used to it.
But all the while, he was slowly but systematically figuring out how to extricate himself from my life - that when it ended, I was reduced to writing an almost Dear John letter - asking all the things that scorned/scared people do - what's the matter? Why won't you talk to me? Why can't you talk to me? Is it me? What did I do wrong? What the hell is wrong with you?
We had been friends for almost eight years when it ended in an unsatisfying missive of vague passive aggressive hurt.
I still don't know why he stopped talking to me, and our friends swallowed the distance between us awkwardly but swiftly. (In the end I kept all the girl friends and he kept the mutual boy friends.) Oh, and the sister said she didn't feel comfortable talking to me either afterwards.
I've had people drift out of my life and I've done drifting on my own. I've been called out for being secretive and aloof and pretentious and condescending (which are all character traits I own up to) and I know realistically that some people are only meant to be in my life for a brief moment. Different interests, different cities, different places in life goals and ambitions. You can only hold on for so long but people leave.
Tonight I just felt the great sudden absence of - everything. Of conversations, of comfortable silence that isn't really comfortable anymore and more along the lines of I don't know what to say to you. I'm no longer interesting or our vocabulary has changed to the point where I'm behind or talking another language completely and small talk seems even smaller and more forced.
And I thought - is this it? Is this the point where we say good bye? I should be used to it.