x - 0001 [Nothing Important Happened Today]

[call_me_spooky]

[Voice]

[Almost inaudibly]

Shit.

[Long pause.]

O-kaaay… Not in Kansas anymore. Look, if I’m dead, Clyde Bruckman? You owe me an apology.

So, working on the assumption that I’m not… Is anyone out there?

I could use a hand here.

Comments

[voice]

[passionforshoes]

Nope, not Kansas. Not a cow in sight.

[Voice]

[call_me_spooky]

Well, that's comforting. Kinda. I've had some bad experiences with cows in Kansas.

But at least then I'd know how to get home. I'm not.. even sure how I got here.

[Voice]

[passionforshoes]

The only things cows are good for are steak, designer shoes, and jumping over the moon.

Probably took a right when you should have taken a left.

[Voice]

[call_me_spooky]

Well, the evidence says that plenty of beings in the universe disagree, but I'm on your side. Last time I was in Kansas a cow almost killed me.

I knew my sense of direction was going to get me in trouble eventually.

[Voice]

[passionforshoes]

See, kids? That's why cow tipping is a bad thing to do when you're coming off a drunken bender.

I heard GPS kits are going pretty cheap these days on the Internet. You might want to invest in one.

[Voice]

[call_me_spooky]

Cow tipping? Try cow tossing. Practically landed on my head.

GPS only helps if I'm on Earth, though, and I gather I'm not...

[Voice]

[passionforshoes]

That would have been embarrassing to explain at the hospital. Somehow, 'Doctor, I have brain damage from a flying heifer.' just seems like something that'll get you laughed at.

Doubt it. Looks and tastes like Earth, but not exactly it. Kinda like that fake butter stuff that you can't believe. It's called the City--Capital C on that.

[Voice]

[call_me_spooky]

No one laughs when they can see the hole in the roof. Luckily I just got away with some minor cuts... The cow wasn't so lucky.

How... unimaginative. It looks like a city, I'll give it that much, though the merry-go-round is a little bit tacky. So where're you from?

[Voice]

[passionforshoes]

Tell me you at least had pot roast that night.

Merry-go-rounds are always tacky. I mean, unless you're two years old and still shit in your nappies, they're not really considered entertainment.

A city much like this one, but with a much better subway system, insane cab drivers, and bigger rats to go along with it. You?

[Voice]

[call_me_spooky]

I was kinda busy with other stuff. And just because a cow falls on you doesn't mean you get to keep it; they probably gave it to the motel owners to help make up for damages, I dunno.

Washington, D.C., most of the time. Most of our rats wear suits, but otherwise your description fits.

[Voice]

[passionforshoes]

I'm sure they ate well that night.

Ah, D.C. Like New York, but with more professional liars.

[Voice]

[call_me_spooky]

Yeah, well, they deserved it. A cow pretty much totals a room, for your information. My partner and I had other business to attend to, so we missed out on any burgers.

Home, sweet home.

[Voice]

[passionforshoes]

Well, maybe you'll get lucky here and we'll have a tossed cow curse. All the dead animal you can eat!

[Voice]

[call_me_spooky]

That might be enough to turn me vegetarian. I think I'll just keep myself ready to hide under a desk, Cold War style, if the cows start falling.

I'm Fox Mulder, by the way.

[Voice]

[passionforshoes]

Might as well bunker down now. Been here less than a week and I've tales of weird shit and a herd of flying cows seems mild.

Cindy.