ugh

[call_me_nny]

nothing feels right anymore. im just not sure what to do. it just feels wrong to be happy, it's like im not allowed to be. i know im sitting here and wollowing in my own self pitty but im not sure what else i can do. i just wish everything could go back to the way it was before. i want dean to be home. i miss him so much. and even though hes comming home soon that happiness will be short lived. i want pixie to come back. i just want to hear her laugh. i just want to hear her smile. i wish that my friendships were back to teh way they used to be when nothing really mattered. i wish that i could go back and hang out with the kids i used to the way we used to. maybe my changing my hair color is an attempt at changing myself to change the past, though i know its never really going to happen. and all of you are going to tell me that "you can talk to me" and "i love you" and as much as that means to me its not what i want. all i want is to be happy with the people around me that i long so much for. god im such an asshole and i wish i wasnt the way i am. as soon as i start to let a person in i spaz out and push them away as fast as i can. its a defense system really for fear that they are going to be taken from me wether i like it or not. so i get rid of them before they mean too much. i really just wish "he" would call me. even if it were for just a second. and no i didnt break up with kyle to be with him because i know that i can never be with him. its just that every time im around him i feel as if all of my problems are gone. maybe i need toget help again. but i dont know where to turn. why do i even write in this thing no1 really reads it neway. so im gunna stop now. much love to all but more love to some rather than others.

<3 dezEray