Have you ever felt like everything you want... the reason why you live... is impossible to have?
you all know i wanna be an actress....right??.. well if you didnt...UR DUMB! lol jkjk. but yea. its embarrassing to admit, kinda.
well... I have never EVER felt THIS far away from becoming an actress!!! grrr. it makes me soo hopeless.. well i'll tell you what happened.......
today was practice for HOPE again. I was SSOOO nervous.. and i dont know why!!!!.. so when i read my lines... I SUCKED!!! i really DONT suck at acting, but for some STRANGE reason.. today i did!!
maybe its b/c i put an enormous amount of pressure on myself because i want this more than the world. i feel like.. whats the point of life if you spend it sitting behind a desk, taking orders?!!- thats not gonna fly with me.. i mean...i no you gotta start somewhere, but its just ridiculous to waste your life doing something you dont even enjoy! i mean W-T-F?! In other words.. im not gonna settle for anything less than i desirve!
It could also be because I HAVE ANXIETY MOTHERFUCKERS!!!! grrr. it pisses me off!! ppl dont understand what that means...yet THEY DONT ASK!!!.. if u dont understand it, then ASK!!! there are no stupid questions...just stupid ppl!! well.. ne way.. anxiety is hard to explain.. all i no is that I get stressed out about little things... and when those little things build up... i either break down and cry, and go totally balistic ((& get Pissed Off)). It also intails me worrying...about stupid little things... like REALLY WORRYING!! Like before i walk into school in the morning...all these thoughts run through my head..like "what if today was a dress-down day, and i dont know it!!!??"... and i run through like all these different cenarios in my head.. all these "what ifs"... it sux!.... so you can imagine why i feel like i can never be an actress...! I get soo nervous talking in front of ppl!!... even like reading a report in front of the class!... kinda like stage fright i guess.. but its called "performance anxiety".. meaning everytime i have to perform in front of ppl...I FREEZE!!
and thats what happened today at rehearsal!! i totally sucked! and i feel soo bad for Mr. Casella.. he is such a sweet heart!!
but there is this one part where i have to SCREAM!!.. like literally let it all go & SCREAM!! that was rlly hard for me.. plus Mr. Casella (god love his soul) put me on the spot.. and was like "casey... just rigght now..just go AHHHHH!!!!!!" i got soooooo fucking nervous!.. and the "what ifs" popped into my head! ugh I HATE THIS!!
so Mr. casella pulled me aside & talked to me..and i started to cry b/c i was SSOO ANGRY at MYSELF for not being able to do this!! and i explained to him.. that i was doing it fine at home, just in front of alll those ppl... i get nervous. soo he was nice about it and helped me figure out my character a little better... he said "she's like a big, fat Jewish lady" haha that cheered me up. ((by the way... im wearing a 'fat-suit' in the play.. that should be interesting!!))
there is a lot going on at home.. like usual!!!... holly doesnt seem to be feeling so well lately... so im sure that added to my nerves today. well.. im gonna do A lot of practicing, and try on a couple accents, and see how i do!
COMMENT IF U GIVE A FUCK!!
((only 4 ppl have the right to...b/c they r the only ones who ever comment ne way!!!!!!!!!--- ilu 4!!!)))
well... I have never EVER felt THIS far away from becoming an actress!!! grrr. it makes me soo hopeless.. well i'll tell you what happened.......
today was practice for HOPE again. I was SSOOO nervous.. and i dont know why!!!!.. so when i read my lines... I SUCKED!!! i really DONT suck at acting, but for some STRANGE reason.. today i did!!
maybe its b/c i put an enormous amount of pressure on myself because i want this more than the world. i feel like.. whats the point of life if you spend it sitting behind a desk, taking orders?!!- thats not gonna fly with me.. i mean...i no you gotta start somewhere, but its just ridiculous to waste your life doing something you dont even enjoy! i mean W-T-F?! In other words.. im not gonna settle for anything less than i desirve!
It could also be because I HAVE ANXIETY MOTHERFUCKERS!!!! grrr. it pisses me off!! ppl dont understand what that means...yet THEY DONT ASK!!!.. if u dont understand it, then ASK!!! there are no stupid questions...just stupid ppl!! well.. ne way.. anxiety is hard to explain.. all i no is that I get stressed out about little things... and when those little things build up... i either break down and cry, and go totally balistic ((& get Pissed Off)). It also intails me worrying...about stupid little things... like REALLY WORRYING!! Like before i walk into school in the morning...all these thoughts run through my head..like "what if today was a dress-down day, and i dont know it!!!??"... and i run through like all these different cenarios in my head.. all these "what ifs"... it sux!.... so you can imagine why i feel like i can never be an actress...! I get soo nervous talking in front of ppl!!... even like reading a report in front of the class!... kinda like stage fright i guess.. but its called "performance anxiety".. meaning everytime i have to perform in front of ppl...I FREEZE!!
and thats what happened today at rehearsal!! i totally sucked! and i feel soo bad for Mr. Casella.. he is such a sweet heart!!
but there is this one part where i have to SCREAM!!.. like literally let it all go & SCREAM!! that was rlly hard for me.. plus Mr. Casella (god love his soul) put me on the spot.. and was like "casey... just rigght now..just go AHHHHH!!!!!!" i got soooooo fucking nervous!.. and the "what ifs" popped into my head! ugh I HATE THIS!!
so Mr. casella pulled me aside & talked to me..and i started to cry b/c i was SSOO ANGRY at MYSELF for not being able to do this!! and i explained to him.. that i was doing it fine at home, just in front of alll those ppl... i get nervous. soo he was nice about it and helped me figure out my character a little better... he said "she's like a big, fat Jewish lady" haha that cheered me up. ((by the way... im wearing a 'fat-suit' in the play.. that should be interesting!!))
there is a lot going on at home.. like usual!!!... holly doesnt seem to be feeling so well lately... so im sure that added to my nerves today. well.. im gonna do A lot of practicing, and try on a couple accents, and see how i do!
COMMENT IF U GIVE A FUCK!!
((only 4 ppl have the right to...b/c they r the only ones who ever comment ne way!!!!!!!!!--- ilu 4!!!)))