Trust and Love
Is trust just an illusion? For that matter is love? Can we ever actually trust someone completly and have them live up to it? Won't everyone betray you at some point? Is love meant to hurt? Is it meant to kill you slowly inside? Are we just fooling ourselves to believe that someone will love us completly and never lie to us? Or do we just believe in the illusion we are shown until the veil is lifted and reality stands before us in harsh contrast? Are we really meant to go at it alone? Is it any wonder people kill themselves? I have never thought about killing myself before last year. And then I did it alot. But I stopped because I found a reason to. But now...now I'm not so sure. Can you actually love someone to much? So much that death would be the only logical course to take because otherwise you will live in pain. I love someone very, very much right now. So much it hurts and I cry over it alot. I want to trust and believe with all that I am, but now..now I'm finding the illusion being stripped from my eyes and my heart. I'be born so much pain in my life. More then I ever thought I could. I survived my first husband cheating on me. I survived my second husband neglecting me. I survived the death of my great-grandmother, my rock, my pillar, my all. But shouldn't there be a straw that break the camel's back? Is this it? For days I have been in the blackest of moods. For days I have looked at the razors and knives in my house and wondered: What would it feel like? Would it hurt? Or would I just slip into some peaceful slumber? These thoughts used to scare me, they don't so much now. They say the people who love you will know when something is wrong. No one must love me cause no one knows. I want out. I don't want to be here. I just want it all to go away. I care so much, with all that I am. Maybe I've finally used it all up.