1st time for a few things
So I have been having fun watching the Olympics...although it has kinda sucked that I have only been able to text Bob vs him and my family in IL. Yeah, they said for some reason I am seeing events that they AREN'T ( despite us both watching the NBC broadcast)...
I am disappointed that as the commentators were talking about Shiffrin's father's death during her Super G event, I started to get teary eyed as it brought me back to ykw, ykw shutting me out, putting up that wall when she said I couldn't relate, letting me know she only wanted to lean on me if I could, as she dealt w/her Dad's death & the further distance as she would not open up about how her therapy was going down the road ( few yrs later I think) & it just fucking sucks bc it just makes you NOT want to try, NOT want to try to be there, bc you do NOT understand and I just hated that bc it makes you feel unworthy, like you have nothing to offer ( which is what you are ALREADY thinking but choose to try and choose to ask anyways). I still kept trying though ( kept thinking I would be seen as more than 'just a phone' but ultimately never was), hate all the times she really did push me away bc she really did want that, I tried to stop that, & I really wished I fucking hadn't. I hate that now I am crying over this.
I hate that there are things that happened between us....that I never want to happen with someone else and that's in a bad, very negative way. Like being vulnerable, allowing yourself to feel secure and comfortable to let your guard down, comfortable in wanting the person to stick around( trusting enough to want it to last years vs not letting yourself want or hope for it), open up LESS, DON'T be such an open book after a while and don't let your heart get broken, if there's red flags or continuous behavior, TRUST in that & fucking END it, CUT all ties and Stay the fuck out of my life! Only be loyal and trust w/those who fuckin EARN IT (and don't give you reasons to doubt words, actions or behaviors, & if they tell you who they are through that, believe them!)!
Yeah, I chat w/ykw every few months but I'm detached as fuck... don't care about a lot of shit w/her any more and don't confide hardly anything to her any more..
I love that this stuff doesn't affect my ability to go do daily stuff or to look forward to doing things. Yeah, I'm sad now...but will I STILL be sad in an hour? No. Will I look forward to getting in another day at the gym tomorrow w/my sis? YES! Not on her treadmill tho ( did it today and my arm was feeling achy for some reason)..tomorrow will be strength and elliptical cardio, hope to get in either a quick yoga or my fave long one and maybe a Primal Yoga this weekend too...
Also might do a Beach Day with them Saturday if bro in law gets done early w/his stuff:)..sis forgot that the SuperBowl was this Sunday hehe. She offered for me to go over to their place but I already know that the kids will want to play ( & I just want to watch the game when it's on, & I don't like if it leads to them getting yelled at)...but I will still enjoy getting pizza from either Little Caesars or Domino's (depending on deals and the weather)....
I am going to be getting some money soon! Yeah, watched my niece for a bit earlier this week and hung out later w/my bro in law as he came from his interview ( to which he got the job! So I will be babysitting soon!)...I got to watch Encanto ( didn't really figure out what was up w/Bruno as my niece would chime in w/stuff, I would ask oh is Bruno doing this or can he stop it? No to both, huh? Loved that my niece liked Luisa ( & knew all the words to her solo)) and saw some of Raya & The Last Dragon as I was finishing my Hawaiian style BBQ'd chicken ( no sauce, just spices and a grill, ppl!) & I was very glad to have gotten to have eaten the pinto beans cooked in the slow cooker ( as we were making my way over to their place, my bro in law and I kinda connected on how we are trying to eat more beans during the week)....Trying Cafe 100 again next week...
I am disappointed that as the commentators were talking about Shiffrin's father's death during her Super G event, I started to get teary eyed as it brought me back to ykw, ykw shutting me out, putting up that wall when she said I couldn't relate, letting me know she only wanted to lean on me if I could, as she dealt w/her Dad's death & the further distance as she would not open up about how her therapy was going down the road ( few yrs later I think) & it just fucking sucks bc it just makes you NOT want to try, NOT want to try to be there, bc you do NOT understand and I just hated that bc it makes you feel unworthy, like you have nothing to offer ( which is what you are ALREADY thinking but choose to try and choose to ask anyways). I still kept trying though ( kept thinking I would be seen as more than 'just a phone' but ultimately never was), hate all the times she really did push me away bc she really did want that, I tried to stop that, & I really wished I fucking hadn't. I hate that now I am crying over this.
I hate that there are things that happened between us....that I never want to happen with someone else and that's in a bad, very negative way. Like being vulnerable, allowing yourself to feel secure and comfortable to let your guard down, comfortable in wanting the person to stick around( trusting enough to want it to last years vs not letting yourself want or hope for it), open up LESS, DON'T be such an open book after a while and don't let your heart get broken, if there's red flags or continuous behavior, TRUST in that & fucking END it, CUT all ties and Stay the fuck out of my life! Only be loyal and trust w/those who fuckin EARN IT (and don't give you reasons to doubt words, actions or behaviors, & if they tell you who they are through that, believe them!)!
Yeah, I chat w/ykw every few months but I'm detached as fuck... don't care about a lot of shit w/her any more and don't confide hardly anything to her any more..
I love that this stuff doesn't affect my ability to go do daily stuff or to look forward to doing things. Yeah, I'm sad now...but will I STILL be sad in an hour? No. Will I look forward to getting in another day at the gym tomorrow w/my sis? YES! Not on her treadmill tho ( did it today and my arm was feeling achy for some reason)..tomorrow will be strength and elliptical cardio, hope to get in either a quick yoga or my fave long one and maybe a Primal Yoga this weekend too...
Also might do a Beach Day with them Saturday if bro in law gets done early w/his stuff:)..sis forgot that the SuperBowl was this Sunday hehe. She offered for me to go over to their place but I already know that the kids will want to play ( & I just want to watch the game when it's on, & I don't like if it leads to them getting yelled at)...but I will still enjoy getting pizza from either Little Caesars or Domino's (depending on deals and the weather)....
I am going to be getting some money soon! Yeah, watched my niece for a bit earlier this week and hung out later w/my bro in law as he came from his interview ( to which he got the job! So I will be babysitting soon!)...I got to watch Encanto ( didn't really figure out what was up w/Bruno as my niece would chime in w/stuff, I would ask oh is Bruno doing this or can he stop it? No to both, huh? Loved that my niece liked Luisa ( & knew all the words to her solo)) and saw some of Raya & The Last Dragon as I was finishing my Hawaiian style BBQ'd chicken ( no sauce, just spices and a grill, ppl!) & I was very glad to have gotten to have eaten the pinto beans cooked in the slow cooker ( as we were making my way over to their place, my bro in law and I kinda connected on how we are trying to eat more beans during the week)....Trying Cafe 100 again next week...