Relapse
It was one of her old excuses--going to the library for an assignment. None of the girls even batted an eyelash when she told them and continued on with their chatting and make up charms, not even noticing that the library would be closed soon and she'd finished her homework earlier.
Carly managed to keep a calm face and even smiled at a few sixth year boys as she passed them on the way to the bathroom. She quickly left the common room and used one that was farther away from the dorms that a lot of students used in between classes, but not so close to curfew. It was guaranteed to be empty.
Once the coast was absolutely clear, Carly stared into the mirror and finally let the sobs come. She hadn't been strong enough, and it wasn't that surprising. One simple thing to do all year and she couldn't even do that. Carly put her back to the cool tile and slid down to the floor in between the sinks, staring at the empty stalls across from her.
It would be easy to revert back to the way she abused herself in sixth year, but she had people looking out for her now. They'd notice. Jodie would be so disappointed, and so would their parents. The thought of disappointing them again made her cry harder.
One hand on her belly, Daphne moved quickly through the halls. She was on patrol tonight, and it was a good thing. Mina Stewart had come to her. Something was wrong with Carly. In the past, Daphne would not have cared, but she'd just sworn to Jodie that Carly was all right. She was living up to her word there. Carly would be all right if it killed her. Failure was not an option here.
She slowed when she entered the bathroom. She could hear crying. Daphne sighed, steeling herself. She did not know if she could be of help here. She usually didn't do crying.
"Carly?"
Carly quickly looked up and tried to hold back the tears. She wiped them from her cheeks. "Professor Greengrass, can I help you?" She looked at her watch and winced. "I know it's almost curfew. I'll just be going."
"Don't move," Daphne said in an even tone. "What happened?"
Carly stilled from where she had been about to get up and sank back down between the sinks. "Nothing, just stupid hormones, I guess. Like I said, I'll go back to the common room now." She didn't want Daphne to know what she had been about to do. A few seconds later and she would have been walking towards the toilets.
"Like hell you will. Who do you think you are talking to? I think I know a moral dilemma when I see one. I'm the queen of them. I have a glorious history of backsliding. So again... what happened?"
"It's nothing and I'll get over it," Carly said firmly. She stood up, ignoring the cramping in her stomach. She was starting to feel like she had in sixth year. She was almost too full and her middle was aching. "I'll just be going to the common room now."
If she was lucky, the bathrooms in the common room would be empty and she'd be able to discreetly handle her problem. Another wave of nausea hit and she clenched her teeth.
Daphne put a hand on her shoulder to stop her.
"That's going to work on just about anyone else. You have the unfortunate dilemma of dealing with with someone who used to abuse potions. It's not the same vice, but I do believe I know the signs, so start getting real with me so I can help you. Do I need to owl Theo? You know he'll be discreet."
Her hands began to shake and she stared straight ahead. "I keep feeling it. The same pit in my stomach I felt all last year. That's why I ran in here, because it was far away from the dorms and no one would hear me. I keep saying I'll only do it once but I know that's not true."
Carly turned to Daphne. "I thought I was strong enough to do it. I thought I could come back and listen to their comments about me not being good enough but I can't. And here I am, willing to do it all over again and my stomach won't stop aching. It's like I have to do it to feel normal." She started to cry all over again.
It was like looking in a mirror for Daphne.
"I'm going to share soemthing with the honest hope of it helping and because I know you won;t say anything because if you do, I'll make you regret it. Do you know how I met Charlie? I was sneaking into the caves on the Welsh Dragon Reserve to acquire fresh dragons blood to brew a nasty poison. Dragon knocked me out. Charlie caught me on his broom. He thought I was trying to kill myself. I was so shaky from potions withdrawal and not eating enough that my motor functions were off."
Carly let out a small laugh. "And now you're pregnant with his child. I'm not going to get pregnant after this am I? I don't think my stomach could handle it." It was quiet for a few moments. "What the hell am I supposed to do? Everyone knows why I was kicked out last year; if they find out I'm doing it again I'll never be able to finish school."
"You had a weak moment. You didn't do it. Come on. Let's go to my office and owl Theo. He can give you something to settle your stomach."
They walked out of the bathroom slowly and towards Daphne's office. "I don't suppose you could forget to tell Jodie about this? I don't want her thinking I'm not ready and asking our mother to pull me from school. I need to do this, and do it this year. I have to prove to myself that I can."
"I'm not going to tell Jodie." Daphne paused as they walked in silence. "You are."
Carly stopped mid-stride. "What?" she asked shrilly, all tears gone. "I can't tell her. I don't know how to tell her something like this. What if she wants to pull me and tutor me herself. She can't do it. It was hard enough on her last year. Please, Profe--Daphne, please don't make me tell her."
"You need to. Not now. But she needs to know when you're struggling. Mina Stewart recognized it. Honesty is better, and don't listen to what anyone says about you. Be who you are, no apologies. If I'd listened to everything that's been said about me in the last year and a half, I'd have curled up and died."
She rubbed her stomach as they arrived at Daphne's office. "Sometimes I feel like that's the best thing to do. Does it ever get better?"
"Not right away. But I have a man who forgives me for the horrors I did. I'm having his child. I have a couple of decent friends and a sister who loves me no matter what. You have that too, whether you know it or not. The sister part."
Daphne scribbled a note to Theo and sent it with her owl.
Carly sat down in a chair and curled up in it. "Before all this, Jodie and I hardly ever said two words to each other. None of us girls were ever close. We're too different. Sometimes I still think that. Merlin knows how she puts up with an abnormal sister like me."
Daphne started laughing. "You need to meet Astoria. She and I are night and day. She's a Slytherin lady. Teas and gloves and all that rot. Never a hair out of place, and if Jodie didn't love you, she wouldn't worry about you."
Her stomach started to cramp again and Carly winced. She leaned her head back against the chair. If what Daphne said was true, Jodie showed more love for her in the past few months that her own parents had in the past few years. "What am I going to tell the other students? I told the girls in my dorm I was going to the library."
"You say you were with me. The key to a good believable lie is to inject enough truth and possibility in it."
Theo stepped through the floo just in time to hear that last bit. "Typical." He took one look at Carly and became serious. "Daphne, could you excuse us?"
"Of course. I'll be in the classroom."
Daphne left. Theo just looked at Carly and waited for her to say something.
Carly couldn't even look at him. All his praise about her doing so well came rushing back and she flushed a bit. "I lost it for a bit. Forgot all the progress I made. Nearly... relapsed I guess. If Daph--Professor Greengrass hadn't found me, I would have done it, and now my stomach feels like it's going to explode. It's like I need to do it now."
"You don't need to," Theo said softly. He took a vial out of his bag. "Take this. It will settle your stomach."
He sat down in the chair next to her.
She did her best to stop the tears and quickly uncorked the vial and swallowed the potion. After handing the vial back, Carly finally looked at Theo. "I thought I was better. I thought I was stronger. I couldn't even last a month before I'm back in the bathroom hating my reflection in the mirror."
"Not once did I ever say this would be easy. I honestly wondered how long it would be before I was called here. You actually lasted longer than I expected. There's nothing at all wrong with your reflection, Carly. You are better, and you are stronger than you know. Where's the girl who wanted me to pretend to be her boyfriend to discourage Tavish MacDougal?"
Carly laughed a bit and wiped her eyes. "Oh she's still here, and that offer still stands especially since that bastard's father works here. I keep expecting him to pop up around the corner."
She took a deep breath. Carly knew what Theo said was true. Her road to recovery wasn't going to be easy, but at the same time, she hadn't expected it to be this hard. Ignoring the comments made about her was easy when it was just words--actually doing it was a completely different thing.
"I'm curious, how long did you expect me to last?"
Theo didn't say anything. Not about that anyhow. "Who can you count on? Do you know? Take stock, and cleave to those people. Listen to no one else."
"Easier said than done. Do you expect me to give up on the people I've called friends the past six years? What am I supposed to tell them? Am I just supposed to flake?"
"If they're making you feel badly enough to relapse, then maybe a change is in order. I didn't have friends in school and I turned out all right."
Carly just stared at him. "Uh huh. And your nickname isn't the Slytherin Zombie, is it?"
Theo glared at her. "So make them afraid to talk about you. The only people who ever gave me shite in school were Malfoy and his goons. Nobody ever gave Malfoy or Zabini shite. Except for Marcus Flint, and that was really only Malfoy. You know why no one ever crossed Malfoy? Because Draco Malfoy is crazy. A normal person worried about what he'd do if you offended him. And I am not saying you should follow his example, but instilling a little fear could not hurt."
She crossed her arms and glared back at him. "And how am I supposed to instill fear? Sure, I hexed Avery, but that was the extent of my hexes. I'm crap at curses and transfiguration, hell I suck at everything except makeup. Should I flatten their hair to death?"
"Perhaps I need to call Daphne back in here. What do you know about your sister's friend before she met Jodie?"
Carly shrugged. "A little bit. She told me some before you arrived, but I'm bloody worse at potions than anything else. I flirted with the examiner to pass my OWL and Slughorn was too soft to send me away."
"So nothing then." Theo went to the door. "Daphs?"
Daphne walked back in. "What?"
"Tell her."
"Tell her what, Theo?"
"Why she should take lessons in scary from you."
Daphne glared. "What did you say?"
She advanced on Theo and took out her wand. Before he could move, it was pressing painfully into his throat, and Daphne's teeth were bared. Theo looked at Carly and raised a brow.
Carly bit her lip and grinned. She had been a bit biased because she'd been viewing Daphne as her sister's best friend, not as the scary potions professor. "Point taken. But do you honestly think I can look that menacing? What if I'm expected to follow through?"
Daphne was still glaring at Theo with her wand on him.
"I didn't tell her anything, Daphs. Damn."
She tucked her wand away and looked at Carly. "I suppose we'll have to work on that then. People made fun of me in school - once. The only people who gave as good as they got were the Slytherins in our year. It won't happen overnight, but the key to not worrying about this stuff is not to think you are, but to know you are. Believe you are better, then you will be, and if anyone questions it, you make them regret it."
All Carly could do was look between the two adults standing before her. Part of her knew that if Jodie were here, she'd be dissecting that logic and tearing it apart, but it oddly made sense to her. Maybe it was a Slytherin thing. "All right. But I'm going to need help on the regretting part. Avery got the best extent of my hexing knowledge. I've always had other boys do the hexing for me. A perk of being pretty."
"There's your first problem," Daphne said. "Never rely solely on the boys. In fact, you should get angry that they take the satisfaction of the hex from you. Also, I perfect the disaffected stare. Theo can help you with that. He's really good at seemingly looking through a person instead of at them."
"It's the zombie in him," Carly said with a small grin that got bigger when he glared at her. "Oh come on, there was a picture of you in the common room that was completely dyed green and then someone charmed it so it looked like your arm was falling off. That was funny! Even the picture just stared at people who walked by. You'd be a good teacher of the stare."
"Fine. Then Daphne can show you how to be..."
"One of us," Daphne said. "You're not quite there yet. All Slytherins have a way to them. I think you haven't had a proper influence about, but you have to stop listening to those so-called friends of your tear you down. They're jealous. They have to be. You're lovely, and that's how girls do."
Finally, Carly felt appeased and felt that she could honestly go back and face the girls of her year. Nodding, she stood. "Any first lessons for the night?"
"Smirk like you've a secret. Don't tell them why." Theo smiled wickedly. "Learning their weaknesses and using them against them would not be amiss either."
Daphne looked at him. "That's why you had the look on your face all the time in school?"
Theo glared at Daphne.
She curbed the urge to giggle and nodded instead. "Smirk and learn their weaknesses. Got it." Carly turned serious. "And thanks to you both. What should I do if my stomach leads a revolt again?"
"Owl me or find me," Daphne said. "I do believe you could speak to the Stewarts as well. Mina seems to have collected you, though she'd never admit it."
Theo snorted.
"One more thing, walk with your head held high no matter what."
"I've already got one annoying little sister, I don't need another." Carly sighed and nodded. "Thanks, again. I guess I'll go back to the common room and face the masses."
With that, she slipped out of the office and headed back to the Slytherin dorms.
Theo looked at Daphne. "Thanks."
She rolled her eyes. "It's my job."
"That isn't why you did it. You helped one of my patients tonight. Don't think for a moment I'll be forgetting that, Daphne."
"Show yourself out," Daphne snapped. "I'm going to follow her to make sure Filch doesn't give her any trouble for being out of the common room at this time."
Theo shook his head. Same old prickly Daphne.
{SUMMARY} Carly has a weak moment. Theo and Daphne help her through it.
Carly managed to keep a calm face and even smiled at a few sixth year boys as she passed them on the way to the bathroom. She quickly left the common room and used one that was farther away from the dorms that a lot of students used in between classes, but not so close to curfew. It was guaranteed to be empty.
Once the coast was absolutely clear, Carly stared into the mirror and finally let the sobs come. She hadn't been strong enough, and it wasn't that surprising. One simple thing to do all year and she couldn't even do that. Carly put her back to the cool tile and slid down to the floor in between the sinks, staring at the empty stalls across from her.
It would be easy to revert back to the way she abused herself in sixth year, but she had people looking out for her now. They'd notice. Jodie would be so disappointed, and so would their parents. The thought of disappointing them again made her cry harder.
One hand on her belly, Daphne moved quickly through the halls. She was on patrol tonight, and it was a good thing. Mina Stewart had come to her. Something was wrong with Carly. In the past, Daphne would not have cared, but she'd just sworn to Jodie that Carly was all right. She was living up to her word there. Carly would be all right if it killed her. Failure was not an option here.
She slowed when she entered the bathroom. She could hear crying. Daphne sighed, steeling herself. She did not know if she could be of help here. She usually didn't do crying.
"Carly?"
Carly quickly looked up and tried to hold back the tears. She wiped them from her cheeks. "Professor Greengrass, can I help you?" She looked at her watch and winced. "I know it's almost curfew. I'll just be going."
"Don't move," Daphne said in an even tone. "What happened?"
Carly stilled from where she had been about to get up and sank back down between the sinks. "Nothing, just stupid hormones, I guess. Like I said, I'll go back to the common room now." She didn't want Daphne to know what she had been about to do. A few seconds later and she would have been walking towards the toilets.
"Like hell you will. Who do you think you are talking to? I think I know a moral dilemma when I see one. I'm the queen of them. I have a glorious history of backsliding. So again... what happened?"
"It's nothing and I'll get over it," Carly said firmly. She stood up, ignoring the cramping in her stomach. She was starting to feel like she had in sixth year. She was almost too full and her middle was aching. "I'll just be going to the common room now."
If she was lucky, the bathrooms in the common room would be empty and she'd be able to discreetly handle her problem. Another wave of nausea hit and she clenched her teeth.
Daphne put a hand on her shoulder to stop her.
"That's going to work on just about anyone else. You have the unfortunate dilemma of dealing with with someone who used to abuse potions. It's not the same vice, but I do believe I know the signs, so start getting real with me so I can help you. Do I need to owl Theo? You know he'll be discreet."
Her hands began to shake and she stared straight ahead. "I keep feeling it. The same pit in my stomach I felt all last year. That's why I ran in here, because it was far away from the dorms and no one would hear me. I keep saying I'll only do it once but I know that's not true."
Carly turned to Daphne. "I thought I was strong enough to do it. I thought I could come back and listen to their comments about me not being good enough but I can't. And here I am, willing to do it all over again and my stomach won't stop aching. It's like I have to do it to feel normal." She started to cry all over again.
It was like looking in a mirror for Daphne.
"I'm going to share soemthing with the honest hope of it helping and because I know you won;t say anything because if you do, I'll make you regret it. Do you know how I met Charlie? I was sneaking into the caves on the Welsh Dragon Reserve to acquire fresh dragons blood to brew a nasty poison. Dragon knocked me out. Charlie caught me on his broom. He thought I was trying to kill myself. I was so shaky from potions withdrawal and not eating enough that my motor functions were off."
Carly let out a small laugh. "And now you're pregnant with his child. I'm not going to get pregnant after this am I? I don't think my stomach could handle it." It was quiet for a few moments. "What the hell am I supposed to do? Everyone knows why I was kicked out last year; if they find out I'm doing it again I'll never be able to finish school."
"You had a weak moment. You didn't do it. Come on. Let's go to my office and owl Theo. He can give you something to settle your stomach."
They walked out of the bathroom slowly and towards Daphne's office. "I don't suppose you could forget to tell Jodie about this? I don't want her thinking I'm not ready and asking our mother to pull me from school. I need to do this, and do it this year. I have to prove to myself that I can."
"I'm not going to tell Jodie." Daphne paused as they walked in silence. "You are."
Carly stopped mid-stride. "What?" she asked shrilly, all tears gone. "I can't tell her. I don't know how to tell her something like this. What if she wants to pull me and tutor me herself. She can't do it. It was hard enough on her last year. Please, Profe--Daphne, please don't make me tell her."
"You need to. Not now. But she needs to know when you're struggling. Mina Stewart recognized it. Honesty is better, and don't listen to what anyone says about you. Be who you are, no apologies. If I'd listened to everything that's been said about me in the last year and a half, I'd have curled up and died."
She rubbed her stomach as they arrived at Daphne's office. "Sometimes I feel like that's the best thing to do. Does it ever get better?"
"Not right away. But I have a man who forgives me for the horrors I did. I'm having his child. I have a couple of decent friends and a sister who loves me no matter what. You have that too, whether you know it or not. The sister part."
Daphne scribbled a note to Theo and sent it with her owl.
Carly sat down in a chair and curled up in it. "Before all this, Jodie and I hardly ever said two words to each other. None of us girls were ever close. We're too different. Sometimes I still think that. Merlin knows how she puts up with an abnormal sister like me."
Daphne started laughing. "You need to meet Astoria. She and I are night and day. She's a Slytherin lady. Teas and gloves and all that rot. Never a hair out of place, and if Jodie didn't love you, she wouldn't worry about you."
Her stomach started to cramp again and Carly winced. She leaned her head back against the chair. If what Daphne said was true, Jodie showed more love for her in the past few months that her own parents had in the past few years. "What am I going to tell the other students? I told the girls in my dorm I was going to the library."
"You say you were with me. The key to a good believable lie is to inject enough truth and possibility in it."
Theo stepped through the floo just in time to hear that last bit. "Typical." He took one look at Carly and became serious. "Daphne, could you excuse us?"
"Of course. I'll be in the classroom."
Daphne left. Theo just looked at Carly and waited for her to say something.
Carly couldn't even look at him. All his praise about her doing so well came rushing back and she flushed a bit. "I lost it for a bit. Forgot all the progress I made. Nearly... relapsed I guess. If Daph--Professor Greengrass hadn't found me, I would have done it, and now my stomach feels like it's going to explode. It's like I need to do it now."
"You don't need to," Theo said softly. He took a vial out of his bag. "Take this. It will settle your stomach."
He sat down in the chair next to her.
She did her best to stop the tears and quickly uncorked the vial and swallowed the potion. After handing the vial back, Carly finally looked at Theo. "I thought I was better. I thought I was stronger. I couldn't even last a month before I'm back in the bathroom hating my reflection in the mirror."
"Not once did I ever say this would be easy. I honestly wondered how long it would be before I was called here. You actually lasted longer than I expected. There's nothing at all wrong with your reflection, Carly. You are better, and you are stronger than you know. Where's the girl who wanted me to pretend to be her boyfriend to discourage Tavish MacDougal?"
Carly laughed a bit and wiped her eyes. "Oh she's still here, and that offer still stands especially since that bastard's father works here. I keep expecting him to pop up around the corner."
She took a deep breath. Carly knew what Theo said was true. Her road to recovery wasn't going to be easy, but at the same time, she hadn't expected it to be this hard. Ignoring the comments made about her was easy when it was just words--actually doing it was a completely different thing.
"I'm curious, how long did you expect me to last?"
Theo didn't say anything. Not about that anyhow. "Who can you count on? Do you know? Take stock, and cleave to those people. Listen to no one else."
"Easier said than done. Do you expect me to give up on the people I've called friends the past six years? What am I supposed to tell them? Am I just supposed to flake?"
"If they're making you feel badly enough to relapse, then maybe a change is in order. I didn't have friends in school and I turned out all right."
Carly just stared at him. "Uh huh. And your nickname isn't the Slytherin Zombie, is it?"
Theo glared at her. "So make them afraid to talk about you. The only people who ever gave me shite in school were Malfoy and his goons. Nobody ever gave Malfoy or Zabini shite. Except for Marcus Flint, and that was really only Malfoy. You know why no one ever crossed Malfoy? Because Draco Malfoy is crazy. A normal person worried about what he'd do if you offended him. And I am not saying you should follow his example, but instilling a little fear could not hurt."
She crossed her arms and glared back at him. "And how am I supposed to instill fear? Sure, I hexed Avery, but that was the extent of my hexes. I'm crap at curses and transfiguration, hell I suck at everything except makeup. Should I flatten their hair to death?"
"Perhaps I need to call Daphne back in here. What do you know about your sister's friend before she met Jodie?"
Carly shrugged. "A little bit. She told me some before you arrived, but I'm bloody worse at potions than anything else. I flirted with the examiner to pass my OWL and Slughorn was too soft to send me away."
"So nothing then." Theo went to the door. "Daphs?"
Daphne walked back in. "What?"
"Tell her."
"Tell her what, Theo?"
"Why she should take lessons in scary from you."
Daphne glared. "What did you say?"
She advanced on Theo and took out her wand. Before he could move, it was pressing painfully into his throat, and Daphne's teeth were bared. Theo looked at Carly and raised a brow.
Carly bit her lip and grinned. She had been a bit biased because she'd been viewing Daphne as her sister's best friend, not as the scary potions professor. "Point taken. But do you honestly think I can look that menacing? What if I'm expected to follow through?"
Daphne was still glaring at Theo with her wand on him.
"I didn't tell her anything, Daphs. Damn."
She tucked her wand away and looked at Carly. "I suppose we'll have to work on that then. People made fun of me in school - once. The only people who gave as good as they got were the Slytherins in our year. It won't happen overnight, but the key to not worrying about this stuff is not to think you are, but to know you are. Believe you are better, then you will be, and if anyone questions it, you make them regret it."
All Carly could do was look between the two adults standing before her. Part of her knew that if Jodie were here, she'd be dissecting that logic and tearing it apart, but it oddly made sense to her. Maybe it was a Slytherin thing. "All right. But I'm going to need help on the regretting part. Avery got the best extent of my hexing knowledge. I've always had other boys do the hexing for me. A perk of being pretty."
"There's your first problem," Daphne said. "Never rely solely on the boys. In fact, you should get angry that they take the satisfaction of the hex from you. Also, I perfect the disaffected stare. Theo can help you with that. He's really good at seemingly looking through a person instead of at them."
"It's the zombie in him," Carly said with a small grin that got bigger when he glared at her. "Oh come on, there was a picture of you in the common room that was completely dyed green and then someone charmed it so it looked like your arm was falling off. That was funny! Even the picture just stared at people who walked by. You'd be a good teacher of the stare."
"Fine. Then Daphne can show you how to be..."
"One of us," Daphne said. "You're not quite there yet. All Slytherins have a way to them. I think you haven't had a proper influence about, but you have to stop listening to those so-called friends of your tear you down. They're jealous. They have to be. You're lovely, and that's how girls do."
Finally, Carly felt appeased and felt that she could honestly go back and face the girls of her year. Nodding, she stood. "Any first lessons for the night?"
"Smirk like you've a secret. Don't tell them why." Theo smiled wickedly. "Learning their weaknesses and using them against them would not be amiss either."
Daphne looked at him. "That's why you had the look on your face all the time in school?"
Theo glared at Daphne.
She curbed the urge to giggle and nodded instead. "Smirk and learn their weaknesses. Got it." Carly turned serious. "And thanks to you both. What should I do if my stomach leads a revolt again?"
"Owl me or find me," Daphne said. "I do believe you could speak to the Stewarts as well. Mina seems to have collected you, though she'd never admit it."
Theo snorted.
"One more thing, walk with your head held high no matter what."
"I've already got one annoying little sister, I don't need another." Carly sighed and nodded. "Thanks, again. I guess I'll go back to the common room and face the masses."
With that, she slipped out of the office and headed back to the Slytherin dorms.
Theo looked at Daphne. "Thanks."
She rolled her eyes. "It's my job."
"That isn't why you did it. You helped one of my patients tonight. Don't think for a moment I'll be forgetting that, Daphne."
"Show yourself out," Daphne snapped. "I'm going to follow her to make sure Filch doesn't give her any trouble for being out of the common room at this time."
Theo shook his head. Same old prickly Daphne.
{SUMMARY} Carly has a weak moment. Theo and Daphne help her through it.