It's Time To Pick Up Where I Left Off And Finish Something That I Never Started...
So I sat here today and had a few thoughts run through my head. I woke up early because I had a bad dream. I know that sounds so childish but yes, I still have bad dreams. This time it was just like creepy weird. Not like I'm being chased by monsters bad, but like I was all grown up and taking care of this child (not sure if it was mine or someone elses) and I couldn't get things right no matter what I did. The funny part though, was I felt so alone and yet this baby I was carrying everywhere was the only thing I worried about. It kinda made me think about life. And how theres always something new to bring you back up to reality. I layed in bed for a long time just thinking. I thought about how much I complain about my life and how much I drag my feet and think things are going so bad. But they're not. I mean, in the least I'm alive. I've lost 4 people from our school this year since Feburary. That's 4 young people who will never get to go to college, never get to have kids, never get to take their senior trip. That's 4 families scraping together everything they have to bury their child, brother, sister, niece, nephew, granddaughter, or grandson. That's 4 families who are carrying on merely because they have found a reason to keep them strong. I can't imagine losing my dad, mom, sister or brother. I'm so sick of feeling like everything is wrong with my life. So maybe if I just get it all out I won't have to worry about it. Maybe if I say it, I won't have to feel like it's something I have to hide. So here goes nothing... Yes, Jeff left me. Maybe I was too bitchy, maybe I was just a fall back girl, maybe I was everything and it scared him. Either way, it was wonderful. It was something I had never felt before and I loved him. I still love him. But I can never love him like I did. I can never give him all of me again because he messed that up. And I'm moving on from that. I've learned that even adults fall in and out of love. What you think is perfect is never perfect. But there's always something new and something better. Maybe it's something better in a NEW way, but it's still something to make you want to wake up in the morning. Yes, me and my mom have our differences. A lot of the time I feel like she wants nothing to do with me. But it's just a phase. Everyone goes through trials with the people they love. I'm sure my brother hates me at times because he just got his license and can't go as many places as he'd like because I have to be at work. Hopefully his car will be fixed soon and he can go where ever he wants. Yes, I'm more than ready to leave for college. I'm afraid to take that final step because I know this will be the last time I see most of the people I go to school with now. And yet I'm so ready to take the step thats gonna lead me into a new start. I wanna meet new people and I wanna be on my own. I know I'm gonna miss the memories more than anything. But I'm gonna be making new ones all the time. Yes, I'm scared of life. I'm scared of commitment and I'm scared of being hurt. But it's all part of living. Instead of worrying about what might happen I wanna worry about what might not happen. I don't wanna watch all the things I've claimed I'd do before I die come and go. I don't know how long I have until the Lord calls me home. No one does. It could be today, tomorrow, or 10 years from now. Either way I'm gonna make it worthwhile. I can't be afraid to say what I feel and I can't be afraid to show who I am. This is me and this is exactly where I wanna be. I love never knowing whats next. I love never being able to see the pain coming. But I love more than all of that, being able to feel the happiness and hear my future calling. Yes, this is me. And I'm making the mistakes and living the glory. This is me and I can't hide it, I don't want to try anymore...
Quote: Scars heal, glory fades and all we're left with are the memories made. Pain hurts but only for a minute. Life is short so go on and live it...