There's Someone I Used To See But He Don't Give A Damn For Me...
Well this weekend was rather interesting. Saturday me and Skeeter went to Carowinds. Mostly because my dad wanted me to go. He said he can't take off any more days to go and so that we should just use the tickets while we can. So we went to Carowinds and had a lot of fun. It was just crowded because it was a Saturday and the lines were long! We came back home and I stayed with Skeeter last night. We had a blast. But then Patrick informed me last night that Jeff is back with Lindsay. Appearantly that's why we broke up. I came to realize that almost everything was a lie. I think I cried again for the first time in a long time. I just realized that he didn't care about me the way I cared about him. Lindsay was his first love and he used to complain all the time about how she treated him like crap all the time. They were never right for each other and she was nothing like what he wanted. And yet as soon as she is single again and calls him he goes running back. Austyn was like 'you gotta realize he'll always care about her, no matter how bad it is, because she was the one he loved.' And yet that's exactly how I feel about him. The way he treated me was just like what he used to complain about. The way I care about him is just the way he cares about her. Only I'm not as dumb as him. I can't go back to him. I can't take him back. Ever. I can't look at him the same, knowing he lied and all. I have lost all respect for him. And I find it so utterly unimaginable that I can love someone so much and not respect them at all. I think I almost hate him. I hate the way I fell for him. I hate the way I miss him. I hate the way he lied. I hate the way I believed it. I hate the way he treated me. I hate the way he doesn't care. I hate the way I can't tell him goodbye for good. I want nothing more than one last conversation where I can tell him how much I hate him. Where I can tell him how hurt I am. And then walk away and know it's over because he finally knows EXACTLY how I feel. And he can keep Lindsay and all those stupid pictures that he swore he threw away but kept in a box under his bed, and he can have his 'break' and he can have his stupid lies and his stupid truck, and he can have his whole stupid life and I won't care what he does. I don't care anymore, I can't. I don't care if he stays with Lindsay for the rest of his life and if they have the best relationship ever. I just want him to know I'm leaving. After my senior year, I'm gone and the only thing I could ever tell anyone about him was I thought he was great. And yet I was proven wrong. But hey it happens. I think I'm really over him, it just hurts more to know that a lot of the things I believed were a lie. It kills me to know that when we broke up and I swore up and down it was just because he needed space, and because I was smothering him, I was wrong. It had nothing to do with me. It was him. He lied and told me there was no one else. He lied and told me he still loved me. He lied and told me it was never about her. And it always was. I was just the 'break' he took from her. I was what he needed to make her jealous and I was just what he needed to keep him occupied until he got her back. And that hurts more than the lies. I can finally do things with other guys now and feel normal about it. But it's gonna take a while before I can trust anyone again. And until I get myself straightened out and on my path I'm not getting with anyone. I'm putting all MY dreams first. I'm going away to college like I always wanted and I'm getting myself started with my goals. And then, if I find someone who respects that and is willing to help me achieve my goals, then and only then will I think of getting something started. I need my life. I need to do my own thing. I need to find me again, say goodbye to things that weigh me down and move on with things I know keep me going. I need to put myself first and let go of all my worries and troubles. After all pain is only temporary, no matter how long it lasts, right???
Quote: God, it's so painful when something that's so close is still so far out of reach. But I'll be the wild one forever...