We All Go a Bit Mad Sometimes.
Today's been almost 2 months since I've been in college. And, stil, it feels weird.
No parents to delegate rules. No curfews. The ability to do whatever I want when I want. I have control.
And yet, I don't feel any different than when I was at home. Well, except for the fact that, well, I'm surrounded by sexually active people. THAT, my friends, is hard -- literally.
The last month or so has been relatively..... blah. No real major points to report on, except for the fact my bike is a piece of shit, and deserves the burner. But, other than that, it's the usual schoolwork, life, music stuff, and other blah blah blahs. Friends are good too, although I'm not really excited. I feel as though I'm only tolerating it because it's people to hang out with and do stuff with, but I always feel disconnected. For starters, I feel as though I cannot be me around them. I feel as though if I try to keep my humor alive, no one gets it. I don't feel connections to the conversation. I don't feel connections with ANY of them, and that's what I'm use to having around me. Don't get me wrong, we do have quite a few fun moments here and there, but at the same time, they all have their things that they do. For instance, all the girls connect on the fact that, well, they're girls. The guys, minus me, share the comparison of Video Games, which is definitely not my thing. I can play racing games, but we're talkin' games like Halo -- which I like, just don't play -- and things like that. I'm kinda in the middle -- no one to really relate to, no one to just talk to if I'm having a bad day or something. I'm use to having that around me, and now, I don't. It's like I have to relearn how to make friends, or relearn me in college form.
I shouldn't have to change me to suit everyone.
But, I feel that I have to. Or, I just won't have anyone to hang out with.
I use to look forward to certain things, like lunch, dinner, movie nights, weekends out to eat food, all that stuff. But now, I'm just like..... I dunno. It's not the same, to me anyways.
I find myself wanting to get on the computer more, or talk on the phone more. Why? Because those conversations that I have with those people are with my best friends. These people know the ins and outs of me, know the true me, and know how I am without having to even speak about it, relatively. I talk to them everyday online at least, and at least a few times in a two week period on the phone. They're my refuge to something of a similarity of life with what I formally called me. I feel at my most comfortable with them. Otherwise, I feel rigid and forced. Like, I'm forced to be... well, here in the human flesh. But my mind is... definitely not here.
I hate it.
Another problem: boys.
I like them. Like, seriously.
I'm bi. I know that for sure.... if not full-on gay.
I know that now. It's coming to terms with it, mostly, that I have to worry about.
How people will perceive me. I don't want to lose those close people that I know, because of it.
For the past several weeks, I've gone back and forth between guys and girls. Liking them both, checkin' out one side, then the other, then going back. It's like a switch in my head that goes on and off, depending on whatever. I dunno what it is, honestly. One day I find myself checkin' out anyone really, then the next I'm either for guys or for girls.
Confused? I dunno. This has been going on for ages now, only I've surpressed it quite nicely. This is the first time I've come out with it. Feels weird, but hey... I dunno. Maybe I am confused. I dunno.
I've never had a boyfriend before. Hell, never even kissed a girl, let alone a guy. But, in the same token, part of my brain wants to know what that feels like... holding my boyfriend's hand, or kissing him goodnight after a great date. Part of me wonders about this stuff, just how it feels, what it would be like. It's something I want to experience. It might also help me figure out where I truly am bi, straight bi-curious, or gay.
It's like my brain's split. Half of it's for girls, and half of it's for guys. Each part's sectioned off, all with the same wondering thoughts, if I haven't already experienced them.
All I know is that my current situation leads me to freak more inside my brain than the usual:
Back home, there's JD. You remember him from previous conversations/postings. Well, he and I started talking a lot more than we had been, and we talk a lot as it is. But, now, it's just... amazing. I can't tell you how I feel when we talk, because I just cannot come close to describing it. He always knows what to say, how to say it, and makes me just wanna..... hug him. Which I did anyway, but you get my point I hope. But yah, I talked to him last night, and our conversation got pretty intense. I don't wanna say we were flirting over the phone, but DAMN... it was hot.
We talked for a straight hour. NO long pauses, no "BRBs" or anything like that. Straight talking. It felt super great to feel that, because the last time I felt that was with my ex-girlfriend.... and I pretty much fell for that girl. I can't say whether or not I'm falling for JD, because... like I said, my feelings change according to the day. I can't say for sure if I even know what will happen with that. Partially because his brother's my best friend of sorts. Kinda complicates things.
I do remember JD and I talking about relationships. I can't diverge into the details because they're kinda secretive, but I CAN say that it sorta pepped up my brain and possibly my hopes. I'm trying not to get too excited about it, because I don't wanna get hurt, or let down, or even hurt him, something I would never ever want to do. I believe in taking time... no rush. He IS my best friend, and if nothing else, I wanna keep that... but part of me still wonders.....
Then there's Nathan. He's my buddy, in all ways. He's gay. Full-on. I believe it; other people doubt it, say that he wants attention. Believe me, if you've seen him, you'd believe it. But anyways...
We're best friends. Brothers even. Life itself couldn't exist without him. Known him for all of high school, and still talk to him, even though he's in Tennessee. I remember when he came out, or, at least, when I found out about it. I remember that day, I went and gave him a hug - really big hug, at that -- and told him that no matter what, I would ALWAYS be there for him. People thought he was weird, unorthodox, ugly even. I thought he was brave, awesome, friendly, loyal, honest, true...
And VERY cute, I might add. But, of course, remember? I surpressed.
Well, most recently, he left. Or, well, left the school. Didn't talk to him for months. I honestly got scared... never got so scared for one single person. Then, one day, he contacted me, out of the blue.
I was so happy... I could've cried. It didn't occur to me until then just how much I missed him. And, I still do... more than I can say.
He was the first person I talked to about all of this, and even at that point, it was before I started dating my ex-girlfriend. After that, we stopped talking about it... which was kinda ironic, because that's when he stopped getting online everyday and started working. We keep in contact, mostly, through text messaging and phone calls when we're both available. But, there's just soo much between us... I feel weird for even talkin' about.
We flirt. Openly, behind close doors, all the time, no matter what. He's got a boyfriend, and we still flirt. It's weird, because I feel like the guy on the side sometimes. At first it was weird, but the more we did it, the more natural it became. It never diverge behind the poking games he and I have, but we always through out sexual innuendos. It's fun with him.
The moment I began to think about him more and more was when he told me he always thought I was cute. Why that moment?
I honestly dunno. I just know from then on, I wondered what life with him as my boyfriend would be like.
And it hasn't stopped since.
There's more to this story, but I have class. More coming later.
[CaliforniaKid07]
No parents to delegate rules. No curfews. The ability to do whatever I want when I want. I have control.
And yet, I don't feel any different than when I was at home. Well, except for the fact that, well, I'm surrounded by sexually active people. THAT, my friends, is hard -- literally.
The last month or so has been relatively..... blah. No real major points to report on, except for the fact my bike is a piece of shit, and deserves the burner. But, other than that, it's the usual schoolwork, life, music stuff, and other blah blah blahs. Friends are good too, although I'm not really excited. I feel as though I'm only tolerating it because it's people to hang out with and do stuff with, but I always feel disconnected. For starters, I feel as though I cannot be me around them. I feel as though if I try to keep my humor alive, no one gets it. I don't feel connections to the conversation. I don't feel connections with ANY of them, and that's what I'm use to having around me. Don't get me wrong, we do have quite a few fun moments here and there, but at the same time, they all have their things that they do. For instance, all the girls connect on the fact that, well, they're girls. The guys, minus me, share the comparison of Video Games, which is definitely not my thing. I can play racing games, but we're talkin' games like Halo -- which I like, just don't play -- and things like that. I'm kinda in the middle -- no one to really relate to, no one to just talk to if I'm having a bad day or something. I'm use to having that around me, and now, I don't. It's like I have to relearn how to make friends, or relearn me in college form.
I shouldn't have to change me to suit everyone.
But, I feel that I have to. Or, I just won't have anyone to hang out with.
I use to look forward to certain things, like lunch, dinner, movie nights, weekends out to eat food, all that stuff. But now, I'm just like..... I dunno. It's not the same, to me anyways.
I find myself wanting to get on the computer more, or talk on the phone more. Why? Because those conversations that I have with those people are with my best friends. These people know the ins and outs of me, know the true me, and know how I am without having to even speak about it, relatively. I talk to them everyday online at least, and at least a few times in a two week period on the phone. They're my refuge to something of a similarity of life with what I formally called me. I feel at my most comfortable with them. Otherwise, I feel rigid and forced. Like, I'm forced to be... well, here in the human flesh. But my mind is... definitely not here.
I hate it.
Another problem: boys.
I like them. Like, seriously.
I'm bi. I know that for sure.... if not full-on gay.
I know that now. It's coming to terms with it, mostly, that I have to worry about.
How people will perceive me. I don't want to lose those close people that I know, because of it.
For the past several weeks, I've gone back and forth between guys and girls. Liking them both, checkin' out one side, then the other, then going back. It's like a switch in my head that goes on and off, depending on whatever. I dunno what it is, honestly. One day I find myself checkin' out anyone really, then the next I'm either for guys or for girls.
Confused? I dunno. This has been going on for ages now, only I've surpressed it quite nicely. This is the first time I've come out with it. Feels weird, but hey... I dunno. Maybe I am confused. I dunno.
I've never had a boyfriend before. Hell, never even kissed a girl, let alone a guy. But, in the same token, part of my brain wants to know what that feels like... holding my boyfriend's hand, or kissing him goodnight after a great date. Part of me wonders about this stuff, just how it feels, what it would be like. It's something I want to experience. It might also help me figure out where I truly am bi, straight bi-curious, or gay.
It's like my brain's split. Half of it's for girls, and half of it's for guys. Each part's sectioned off, all with the same wondering thoughts, if I haven't already experienced them.
All I know is that my current situation leads me to freak more inside my brain than the usual:
Back home, there's JD. You remember him from previous conversations/postings. Well, he and I started talking a lot more than we had been, and we talk a lot as it is. But, now, it's just... amazing. I can't tell you how I feel when we talk, because I just cannot come close to describing it. He always knows what to say, how to say it, and makes me just wanna..... hug him. Which I did anyway, but you get my point I hope. But yah, I talked to him last night, and our conversation got pretty intense. I don't wanna say we were flirting over the phone, but DAMN... it was hot.
We talked for a straight hour. NO long pauses, no "BRBs" or anything like that. Straight talking. It felt super great to feel that, because the last time I felt that was with my ex-girlfriend.... and I pretty much fell for that girl. I can't say whether or not I'm falling for JD, because... like I said, my feelings change according to the day. I can't say for sure if I even know what will happen with that. Partially because his brother's my best friend of sorts. Kinda complicates things.
I do remember JD and I talking about relationships. I can't diverge into the details because they're kinda secretive, but I CAN say that it sorta pepped up my brain and possibly my hopes. I'm trying not to get too excited about it, because I don't wanna get hurt, or let down, or even hurt him, something I would never ever want to do. I believe in taking time... no rush. He IS my best friend, and if nothing else, I wanna keep that... but part of me still wonders.....
Then there's Nathan. He's my buddy, in all ways. He's gay. Full-on. I believe it; other people doubt it, say that he wants attention. Believe me, if you've seen him, you'd believe it. But anyways...
We're best friends. Brothers even. Life itself couldn't exist without him. Known him for all of high school, and still talk to him, even though he's in Tennessee. I remember when he came out, or, at least, when I found out about it. I remember that day, I went and gave him a hug - really big hug, at that -- and told him that no matter what, I would ALWAYS be there for him. People thought he was weird, unorthodox, ugly even. I thought he was brave, awesome, friendly, loyal, honest, true...
And VERY cute, I might add. But, of course, remember? I surpressed.
Well, most recently, he left. Or, well, left the school. Didn't talk to him for months. I honestly got scared... never got so scared for one single person. Then, one day, he contacted me, out of the blue.
I was so happy... I could've cried. It didn't occur to me until then just how much I missed him. And, I still do... more than I can say.
He was the first person I talked to about all of this, and even at that point, it was before I started dating my ex-girlfriend. After that, we stopped talking about it... which was kinda ironic, because that's when he stopped getting online everyday and started working. We keep in contact, mostly, through text messaging and phone calls when we're both available. But, there's just soo much between us... I feel weird for even talkin' about.
We flirt. Openly, behind close doors, all the time, no matter what. He's got a boyfriend, and we still flirt. It's weird, because I feel like the guy on the side sometimes. At first it was weird, but the more we did it, the more natural it became. It never diverge behind the poking games he and I have, but we always through out sexual innuendos. It's fun with him.
The moment I began to think about him more and more was when he told me he always thought I was cute. Why that moment?
I honestly dunno. I just know from then on, I wondered what life with him as my boyfriend would be like.
And it hasn't stopped since.
There's more to this story, but I have class. More coming later.
[CaliforniaKid07]