What's Happened in 5 Months?
Something possessed me to log in today. And while I don't exactly have a lot of time (I have to leave soon to go pick up my sister's kids), I figured I would type out something. I dunno who all is still out there, but if you are.... HEY. : )
So as has been documented, I have been living in California since July, 2012. Hard to think that a year ago I graduated from college. It's sad because I thought my life would be in such a different place than it is right now, but the truth is, I'm working hard to regain my independence. Living at home with my father is like going back in the closet, because essentially I've had to. Recently though, I've longed for that sense of freedom I had, the freedom to be myself, without inhibitions or reservations.
My family is conservative in the sense of the term. They're very judgmental, quick to make assumptions without knowing the truth, and they throw their beliefs in your face. There were certain family members I thought I would be able to come out to once I got here, but recently, I've had certain conversations that have basically decided for me that coming out to my family is not in the best interest of safety right now. I need to be away from them, FAR away, with no ties back that they can hold up to me, before I do that.
I have started trying to find some sense of a social life out here. I'm very much in contact with my friends back East, all the time. There's not a day that goes by that I don't talk to at least one of them. They keep me grounded, and they keep me at my true self. I feared at one point that I was becoming this alternative person that I didn't like, one that "fit in" with the typical family mold my family has. And that frightened me. But lately, I've become more comfortable in my own skin again, something I have missed dearly.
I'm still job-searching, hoping for something to break through the clouds. I'm hopeful something will, I just have to keep plugging away at it. It's been a hard search, a hard road to go down. I have to be confident in myself that something will break. But, moving to California did a lot more damage to that job hunt, something that, while my father will not acknowledge, is something I know, at least internally, he takes responsibility for.
It was said that "I wasn't searching hard enough for a job" and a whole bunch of other false justifications that lead to my eventual move out to the West Coast. He would tell me one thing, while meanwhile saying something else to everyone else. It was disheartening. But I'm on the other side of that, and my whole family sees it for what it really is. It sucks, but I'm gonna make it, and I'm gonna be okay.
I do miss coming on to LiveJournal though. But it's just not the same. There's so many other LJers that have taken to Tumblr, Facebook even.... it's just lost that luster. But it's like I said before I'd never turn my back all the way away. If I go back and look at all the entries I've made and commented on, it's been such an integral part of my coming-of-age. I can't leave it behind.
But in the meantime I've gotta run.
If you want to follow me any:
Blog: http://lanier3000.blogspot.com/
Twitter: @Lanier3000
Instagram: @Lanier3000
Maybe I'll be back soon. We shall see. : )