Hold Me To This.
I thought I would put in written form some things I'm going to start doing soon, one of which involves some people on the Internet.
Maybe if I put it somewhere for people to hold me accountable to, it'll actually come to fruition.
- Comment more on things I like, and things I don't like. No one likes a silent person. At the same time though, it doesn't mean I have the right to be a total prick.
- Hold myself accountable to the things I want to do and accomplish. Basically, do as I say I'm going to do, and don't be afraid of what others may or may not think.
- Don't be afraid of criticism. It only makes you better and stronger.
Lastly...
- Put myself out there. It's not saying I'm open to being judged, but I want to make myself better. Which means I need to act like myself, not what society thinks I should, and not what stereotypes dictate.
The one thing that seems to burden my thoughts is that the way I act, sometimes, I feel is a total act or show. Ever since coming out, I feel like -- and sometimes have been under pressure -- to act a certain way, to be a certain person. At the same time, the "black" side in me is expected to act a certain way, be a certain way, and portray myself in a particular fashion.
The truth is:
1) While I may like guys, it's important to not that I'm not flamboyant. I'm not saying anything is wrong with people who are like that. That's how they are, it's a part of who they are. But the one thing I hate is that people expect ME to be the same way. I'm totally a reserved person. If possible, I'd have an awesome poker face... but I totally laugh and smile too much. I'm just not flamboyant, and I've stopped trying to act as such. I have my moments, and I tend to speak with my hands.... but so does the REST of my family. The notion that friends expect me to act a certain way is.... well, a bit off-putting. So I've stopped doing it. And in a way, it's helped... I'm much harder to read now. [lol]
2) Despite the fact that my skin is a chocolate color, and my heritage is a predominant mixture of French, Ethiopian, Nigerian, and South African, in no way, shape, or form do I, nor will I ever, fit the stereotype of a typical black person. I just..... don't. I don't believe in stereotypes anyway, I feel like they're society's way of type-casting people into roles. And I hate being classified into one because my skin is brown, I "drive a stereotypical black person's car", amongst other stupid things. Truth, most people don't even KNOW my heritage until they meet me. 3 of the interviews I've done so far, they had NO IDEA I was black until they saw my face. Sad thing is, they were kinda surprised. Which is sad.
It's sad that I have to defend myself against stereotypes. I know I'm not alone in it though; many people experience it consistently. I'm just one of them. And it kinda sucks, but I deal. But sometimes it annoys the piss out of me. I just want to be myself, without feeling like I have to act a certain way because of who I am.
Rant. Done.
I feel better.
Now to turn on my A/C, get the ice cream, and play The Sims 2. Maybe.