car alarms <3
when i witness my whole entire world falling to smithereens, instead of resorting to the huge collection of emo music i have written to my ipod, i put on some dane cook.insteaad of laying in my bed crying, i lay in my bed and laugh really hard about absolutely nothing.instead of raiding the fridge and eating my feelings, i go on the tredmill. maybe i have completely lost my mind (referring to the incessant laughter part).here ill just say some stuff, and im sure anyone that reads this will know exactly what im talking about, and if you have a problem with it..cool.
for a good three whole weeks i was pretty sure my life had fallen into place (this was after homecoming..and a little before it.) school was a big pain in the ass but i wasnt surprised in the least and it seemed like all of the good things in my life kind of muted out the bad parts. then after those three weeks were up, everything was still alright enough. the world..was. i still felt like i was in control of it for the most part.
then (i have no concept of time) but a few more weeks went by and i had myself at two weeks ago. two weeks ago i got that familiar sinking feeling that i always got last year. it wasnt really over any situation in particular, it was just about everything. part of it is because im not working right now which puts my life to a complete hault in most aspects. sure i have a ton of money, but im not making it anymore. so taking after my workaholic father, i feel slightly worthless now that i dont have a job. six months of working had me used to it, and now i dont want to stop. when i dont work i sit at home and really have no excuse why i never study or do my homework. when i dont work i sit at home and think..too much. and my thoughts can make everything a mess because i overanalyze and think way too much.i see situations a lot differently than other people do.i dont worry too much, but i always have that little reminder in the back of my mind that in an instant, all of this "falling into place" could fall out of place.
then i got that phone call. and with one sentence i realized that a chapter in my life was over. really, really over. i saw that coming. i knew the secret couldnt last forever. because who actually keeps secrets anymore? i knew we werent friends anymore, but handled it well. a lot of it has to do with how much time i had to prepare for this to happen.id replayed the scenario in my head over and over. and almost willingly, we stopped being friends. there was just something about you i was always leary about. i mean thats still no excuse for doing what i did, but it aided it.im not a bad person. ive never done anything like that before or lied about something to that extent. but it happened. and its part of the past. and you cant change the past. and i dont regret what happened, i had my reasons for doing it.you live. you learn.and now the whole entire world knows because you are a huge fan of telling everyone your problems, but i expected that from you so i cant say im surprised.
so That happened. and other miniscule things happened, and it all added up, and blew, to be blatantly honest. youre too busy all the time and i wish you werent.because its times like these when all i want to do is cling onto you.and before when you did have time, i was perfectly fine.but dont get me wrong, even though i want to be clingy doesnt mean that i like being that way at all. i hate clingy people.everytime i see a couple in the mall that is like..fucking while they walk around because they cant just get off of eachother i want to kill them. or even when people are dating and everywhere they go the other one is there too. please, no. thats not what im going for here.i dont know what im going for, actually.sorry.
then there was speech yesterday and every round that i thought i did well in..i definitely did not do well in and got a 4. then every round i thought was ehh..i did well in. why does everything always have to be the complete opposite of what i think?geeze.and then last night i was sitting talking to my mom and she tells me she got some bad news and my thoughts immediately jump towards death. luckily it wasnt that bad, but my uncle who lives in texas has colon cancer and hes in his early 50's.and my great grandpa died from the same kind..and i guess that just isnt a very good kind of cancer to get in the first place.i mean, no cancer is good but this tends to be bad if its caught too late. but they dont know how late they caught it. so as a majority of things in life go, we just have to wait and see. thats just..really depressing.but until i get more bad news, im going to try and assume everything will be okay.
blahhh.
i dont know how i feel about going away for christmas either, as in, we are leaving on christmas day for georgia. i love love love to travel and i cant wait to see my family down there but i feel like christmas is getting pushed aside this year. and i really really need it. i need to feel it around me. christmas radiates such a sense of hope and peace and we all could use a little bit of that in our lives.along with that we need to come to a point of acceptance and realize that the way things are is the way they are meant to be. everything happens for a reason and ill stick to that motto for the rest of my life.its just hard to keep that in mind sometimes.
if only all of this rain was snow...
for a good three whole weeks i was pretty sure my life had fallen into place (this was after homecoming..and a little before it.) school was a big pain in the ass but i wasnt surprised in the least and it seemed like all of the good things in my life kind of muted out the bad parts. then after those three weeks were up, everything was still alright enough. the world..was. i still felt like i was in control of it for the most part.
then (i have no concept of time) but a few more weeks went by and i had myself at two weeks ago. two weeks ago i got that familiar sinking feeling that i always got last year. it wasnt really over any situation in particular, it was just about everything. part of it is because im not working right now which puts my life to a complete hault in most aspects. sure i have a ton of money, but im not making it anymore. so taking after my workaholic father, i feel slightly worthless now that i dont have a job. six months of working had me used to it, and now i dont want to stop. when i dont work i sit at home and really have no excuse why i never study or do my homework. when i dont work i sit at home and think..too much. and my thoughts can make everything a mess because i overanalyze and think way too much.i see situations a lot differently than other people do.i dont worry too much, but i always have that little reminder in the back of my mind that in an instant, all of this "falling into place" could fall out of place.
then i got that phone call. and with one sentence i realized that a chapter in my life was over. really, really over. i saw that coming. i knew the secret couldnt last forever. because who actually keeps secrets anymore? i knew we werent friends anymore, but handled it well. a lot of it has to do with how much time i had to prepare for this to happen.id replayed the scenario in my head over and over. and almost willingly, we stopped being friends. there was just something about you i was always leary about. i mean thats still no excuse for doing what i did, but it aided it.im not a bad person. ive never done anything like that before or lied about something to that extent. but it happened. and its part of the past. and you cant change the past. and i dont regret what happened, i had my reasons for doing it.you live. you learn.and now the whole entire world knows because you are a huge fan of telling everyone your problems, but i expected that from you so i cant say im surprised.
so That happened. and other miniscule things happened, and it all added up, and blew, to be blatantly honest. youre too busy all the time and i wish you werent.because its times like these when all i want to do is cling onto you.and before when you did have time, i was perfectly fine.but dont get me wrong, even though i want to be clingy doesnt mean that i like being that way at all. i hate clingy people.everytime i see a couple in the mall that is like..fucking while they walk around because they cant just get off of eachother i want to kill them. or even when people are dating and everywhere they go the other one is there too. please, no. thats not what im going for here.i dont know what im going for, actually.sorry.
then there was speech yesterday and every round that i thought i did well in..i definitely did not do well in and got a 4. then every round i thought was ehh..i did well in. why does everything always have to be the complete opposite of what i think?geeze.and then last night i was sitting talking to my mom and she tells me she got some bad news and my thoughts immediately jump towards death. luckily it wasnt that bad, but my uncle who lives in texas has colon cancer and hes in his early 50's.and my great grandpa died from the same kind..and i guess that just isnt a very good kind of cancer to get in the first place.i mean, no cancer is good but this tends to be bad if its caught too late. but they dont know how late they caught it. so as a majority of things in life go, we just have to wait and see. thats just..really depressing.but until i get more bad news, im going to try and assume everything will be okay.
blahhh.
i dont know how i feel about going away for christmas either, as in, we are leaving on christmas day for georgia. i love love love to travel and i cant wait to see my family down there but i feel like christmas is getting pushed aside this year. and i really really need it. i need to feel it around me. christmas radiates such a sense of hope and peace and we all could use a little bit of that in our lives.along with that we need to come to a point of acceptance and realize that the way things are is the way they are meant to be. everything happens for a reason and ill stick to that motto for the rest of my life.its just hard to keep that in mind sometimes.
if only all of this rain was snow...