FeeLS So GooD
Since I was 12, 6 YEARS, I questioned over and over if I really loved my grandmother... and tonight I realized I do. All because of a movie. Tonight I watched "Riding in Cars with Boys".
For so long I thought it was possible that I only loved her cause she gave me so much stuff and money. I thought I loved my grandmom because of what she could give me... It scared, and upset me. I hated myself for it, and it made me want to cry everytime I thought it. Even when I asked her to stop giving me stuff and gave her back money she gave me I still felt it was the reason I loved her. My parents think Imma fuck up cause I cant keep a job or anything... I thought I was a fuck up cause of this. Cause there was NO question that she loved me... but I couldnt figure out if I felt the same. It got worse when 2 years ago she died. And... when everyone thought I would cry the most, or I would be suicidal... I didnt live up to any of it... I was like the best off. And for awhile I couldnt figure why... but I realized that there were too many good memories to cry...
And now, as I watched that movie. One character "Faye" made me realize that I actually do love my grandmom, and Im so relieved. Drew Barrymore's character asked "Faye" "Do I really love my son? I dont know." and "Faye" replied "I think you do. Cause sometimes we love so one so much, that we become numb to it. And we become numb to it because if we were able to feel how much we loved them, it would hurt too much." And I have to say... i fell into tears. The one thing I try to figure out answered in one line, in a movie I just happened to come across. All those years of suffering ended by one blonde teenager with a kid out in a backyard talking to her best friend high.
Ive never felt happier about crying... I now realize why i couldnt figure it out... cause I really do love my grandmom so much i became numb to it... and honestly im glad i did.
For so long I thought it was possible that I only loved her cause she gave me so much stuff and money. I thought I loved my grandmom because of what she could give me... It scared, and upset me. I hated myself for it, and it made me want to cry everytime I thought it. Even when I asked her to stop giving me stuff and gave her back money she gave me I still felt it was the reason I loved her. My parents think Imma fuck up cause I cant keep a job or anything... I thought I was a fuck up cause of this. Cause there was NO question that she loved me... but I couldnt figure out if I felt the same. It got worse when 2 years ago she died. And... when everyone thought I would cry the most, or I would be suicidal... I didnt live up to any of it... I was like the best off. And for awhile I couldnt figure why... but I realized that there were too many good memories to cry...
And now, as I watched that movie. One character "Faye" made me realize that I actually do love my grandmom, and Im so relieved. Drew Barrymore's character asked "Faye" "Do I really love my son? I dont know." and "Faye" replied "I think you do. Cause sometimes we love so one so much, that we become numb to it. And we become numb to it because if we were able to feel how much we loved them, it would hurt too much." And I have to say... i fell into tears. The one thing I try to figure out answered in one line, in a movie I just happened to come across. All those years of suffering ended by one blonde teenager with a kid out in a backyard talking to her best friend high.
Ive never felt happier about crying... I now realize why i couldnt figure it out... cause I really do love my grandmom so much i became numb to it... and honestly im glad i did.