identity shifting
one universal thing about motherhood is that it requires a huge identity shift. suddenly you are a Mom. your body is no longer your own, for better and worse. your new role comes with certain expectations, demands, and responsibilities, some of which you feel good about and some which you don't. you are still you, but you are also utterly transformed. you are a funhouse mirror image of yourself and it takes some getting used to (for yourself and others).
for the most part, i have been enjoying this process. i love being Evan's mom. as much as you are never ready for parenthood, i feel like a dormant part of me just woke up when he was born, a secret well of love, strength and compassion that has totally enriched my life.
one thing that is unique to my situation is that i am still single. and while i have been preoccupied with my responsibilities as a mom, recently i have begun to think about what happens when i start dating again. because *that* is a whole new world.
and strangely, that is where i am doing a lot of identity shifting. my entire adult life, all of my relationships have been limited and defined by my biological clock. every man i have dated since the age of 22 has been a potential father. as i got older, the pickings got slimmer (the pool of available men who want children gets smaller as those men tend to marry and procreate). but now, i have shut one door and get to open another. i am no longer the maiden who dates starry eyed, childless singles. i am, in fact, probably shut out of that pool. but the pool of who i get to date now is fascinating (mostly because i never got to consider this group before because i wanted kids). now i can date older men, men who don't want kids of their own, or are done having kids, men who have weathered divorces (hopefully not so recently), men who have devoted themselves to their art or their work.
to be honest, i haven't even started thinking about the men yet. i'm still caught up in the new me who doesn't have to try and conform to anyone's expectations of what "marriageable" and "potential mother" looks like. i'm in no hurry to get married because for the first time in my adult life there is no damn time constraint. and i don't have to audition as anyone's potential baby mama-- i've already got the part.
so yeah, it's a little trippy. i find myself wanting to look different-- new clothes, different hair color, etc. and also, i find myself wanting to settle into who i am. i always thought when people said that in order to find love, you had to be able to love yourself, they meant love the emotion (which is not always easy to conjure). but now, i realize it's just like loving anyone else-- the key is in the actions you take. so i am practicing-- giving my emotional needs the consideration they deserve, honoring my limitations, respecting my boundaries, recognizing that while i am not perfect, i am enough.
and, of course, the greatest lesson in all of this has been my son. in my love for him i am humbled, because i know that i was loved this way by my mother, and it is possibly as close to the pure love of the Universe as i imagine us awkward, faulty humans can manage on a daily basis.
i am filled with gratitude.
for the most part, i have been enjoying this process. i love being Evan's mom. as much as you are never ready for parenthood, i feel like a dormant part of me just woke up when he was born, a secret well of love, strength and compassion that has totally enriched my life.
one thing that is unique to my situation is that i am still single. and while i have been preoccupied with my responsibilities as a mom, recently i have begun to think about what happens when i start dating again. because *that* is a whole new world.
and strangely, that is where i am doing a lot of identity shifting. my entire adult life, all of my relationships have been limited and defined by my biological clock. every man i have dated since the age of 22 has been a potential father. as i got older, the pickings got slimmer (the pool of available men who want children gets smaller as those men tend to marry and procreate). but now, i have shut one door and get to open another. i am no longer the maiden who dates starry eyed, childless singles. i am, in fact, probably shut out of that pool. but the pool of who i get to date now is fascinating (mostly because i never got to consider this group before because i wanted kids). now i can date older men, men who don't want kids of their own, or are done having kids, men who have weathered divorces (hopefully not so recently), men who have devoted themselves to their art or their work.
to be honest, i haven't even started thinking about the men yet. i'm still caught up in the new me who doesn't have to try and conform to anyone's expectations of what "marriageable" and "potential mother" looks like. i'm in no hurry to get married because for the first time in my adult life there is no damn time constraint. and i don't have to audition as anyone's potential baby mama-- i've already got the part.
so yeah, it's a little trippy. i find myself wanting to look different-- new clothes, different hair color, etc. and also, i find myself wanting to settle into who i am. i always thought when people said that in order to find love, you had to be able to love yourself, they meant love the emotion (which is not always easy to conjure). but now, i realize it's just like loving anyone else-- the key is in the actions you take. so i am practicing-- giving my emotional needs the consideration they deserve, honoring my limitations, respecting my boundaries, recognizing that while i am not perfect, i am enough.
and, of course, the greatest lesson in all of this has been my son. in my love for him i am humbled, because i know that i was loved this way by my mother, and it is possibly as close to the pure love of the Universe as i imagine us awkward, faulty humans can manage on a daily basis.
i am filled with gratitude.