(no subject)
A friend once told me I should post this on LJ....I'm finally listening :)
If I Ever Am A Victim In A Horror Movie:
1. I will not hide a dead body, anywhere, at any time, this will only convince people that I’m the murderer
2. If I hear something or someone breathing behind me, I will not turn around. If they had wanted to kill me while my back was to them, they would have already done so
3. I will not get hysterical, run away from the group, and get myself killed
4. For that matter I will not leave the group
5. Or get myself killed
6. Should the person or thing that has been killing people show itself, then run away, I will not chase it
7. This goes double if it runs into a forest
8. This goes triple if it is at night, quadruple if it is in a forest at night
9. My car will be in top condition, no matter the cost, and will always have a full tank
10. I will remember that I can walk faster than any zombie
11. Looking back at whatever is following me while driving will only cause me to crash. Either I will out run it or I won’t, I don’t need to push the odds even further into the killer’s favor
12. I will not, I repeat WILL NOT run UP the stairs
13. The only exception to #12 is if I have a helicopter waiting on the roof to carry me far far away
14. Looking back at whatever is following me while running will only cause me to trip. Either I will out run it or I won’t, I don’t need to push the odds even further into the killer’s favor
15. I will always carry my trusty shotgun, with extra bullets filling up every pocket on my person
16. I will wear pants and coats with lots of deep pockets in which to put bullets for my trusty shotgun
17. If a person is wounded by a zombie, shoot first, look for an antidote later
18. Not all vampires are allergic to silver, holy items, garlic, or crossing a body of moving water. A stake through the heart will kill anything
19. Assuming I know of an antidote to whatever virus is spreading, I will immediately seek it out, not wait until half the city is contaminated
20. I will not create or steal a virus that can reanimate living matter, no matter how tempting
21. No machine, weapon, or computer will ever be smart enough to use said virus on its own should I, or anyone else, actually create it
22. When something pulls a disappearing act I will not stand in an open area and look for it. I will back into a corner with a low hanging roof, and pull out my trusty shotgun
23. If it keeps moving after my trusty shotgun, or any trusty gun, has emptied itself into its head or chest, I will conserve bullets and throw other things at it until something works.
24. If nothing works, I will run like hell
25. I will not have sex. If anyone I know of has had sex within the past twenty four hours, I will stay far away from them. They are going to die soon
26. Headshots, headshots, headshots
27. Should drool land on my shoulder, I will keep walking. Despite my curiosity I will not look up
30. If I have no trusty shotgun, no trusty pistol, no trusty gun of any kind; I will find someone who does, and never leave their side
31. All lights in my house will be turned on before I enter any room
32. The fuse box will not be half a mile away in a decaying shack
33. If a spirit is pissed off, I will find out why the spirit is pissed off and attempt to rectify it, in exchange for my life of course
34. I am not above making deals to save my own life
35. I am not above becoming a vampire or werewolf if it means staying alive…or close enough to staying alive
36. Shooting the body five more times will make sure it is dead, I don’t need to get within grabbing distance to make sure. (see #23 if it is not dead)
37. Any movie that is said to kill people is not worth watching
38. Sleepy Hollow, Darkness Falls, Silent Hill or any city with a similarly unsettling name are to be avoided at all costs
39. Should my best friend, love interest, or family member be killed while facing off with a monster, psycho, or other killer, I will not charge from my hiding spot in an attempt to get revenge. I will silently mourn my loss, wait for the thing to leave, and quickly go the opposite direction
40. That being said, I will never be the best friend, love interest, or family member to face off with a monster, psycho, or other killer
41. Do not go out looking for whatever may be out there. Find a nice room with one entrance, no windows, and plenty of room for everyone to stand facing the door ready to blow the thing’s head off as soon as it comes looking for us
42. Groups work better when they stay groups
43. Dead people are supposed to stay dead. I don’t care if it’s my long lost twin, if he/she died and then reappears, he/she will meet my trusty shotgun
44. Guns shoot, swords stab or cut, knifes get thrown, bombs get detonated out of range of myself. If I cannot follow this, I deserve to die
45. Anyone who utters the phrase “It’s just a _____. What’s the worst it can do?” deserves to die
46. I will never take a curse lightly
47. If I believe #46 to be rubbish, I still will not open any ancient texts and read aloud. Reading to myself is fine as long as I don’t mumble
48. If I’m told that no mortal weapon can kill something, I will shoot it once to make sure, then go in search of what can kill it
49. I will always be in excellent shape for all of the running like hell I will have to do
50. Knowing the terrain I’m in is key. That way I will not come across a sudden cliff or dead end while I am running like hell
51. Assuming #37 will probably be ignored. I will not answer the phone, I will move out to a desolate area with no TV’s, and I will stay there until the specified number of days and then some have passed
52. Locked doors are good. Padlocked doors are better. Doors that can only be opened via retinal scan and fingerprint scan are the best only if the killer isn’t a genius. Use all three. If he/she can get through the retinal scan and fingerprint scan the simple lock will probably confuse the hell out of him/her
53. Why leave a secure area, in the middle of the night, with something killing people out there, when I can just stay where I am until daylight and backup arrive?
54. I will call for backup
55. When one person in the group cracks and runs for the door I will lock the door behind them. Maybe whatever is out there will tire of eating idiots and leave
56. If I know for a fact that the thing is waiting right outside of the door when #55 happens, I will instead shoot the person before they get a chance to reach the door. This will dissuade the rest and keep the thing from getting in
57. Should I be told that my child is pure evil, I will either kill the little hell spawn on the spot or make a deal with him/her to let me manage his/her destruction so that he/she will always have things to maim, kill, and destroy (and keep myself alive)
58. Should I be told that my child is pure evil, I will hunt down the bastard who knocked me up and get him to take the evil back, or to make me queen of his evil domain. It’s only fair
59. I will learn how to use and then purchase a trusty shotgun, just in case.
60. I will learn how to use and then purchase throwing knives or a pistol, just in case my trusty shotgun is stolen, goes missing, breaks, or somehow (see #15 and #16) runs out of ammo
61. When everyone who has ever come in contact with a house or other object has died, and I come into contact with it, I will destroy it. And I will make damn sure no one stops me
62. If I hear something that is not my child, or something that is not there, call me ‘mommy’ I will quickly correct it, suggest another person, and run like hell
63. When weird unexplainable things happen in or around my house or apartment, I won’t go searching for the reason. I will pack up and leave as quickly as humanly possible
64. I will heed the warnings of friendly and helpful ghosts or other such beings
65. I will not blindly follow a ghost or other such being that I can be pretty sure will try to kill me, chances are, this is what the helpful ghosts or other beings were trying to warn me about
66. Ghosts do not just take revenge on those who are responsible for their death, sometimes that just feel like killing anything in their way
67. “Someone has been here recently, but what happened to them?” once this phrase has been uttered, investigating further will probably just get me killed
68. If there is good reason to believe that the ship I just found is haunted, and not in a good way, I will call the coast guard, I will not go onboard until sunrise, I will keep my crew together, I will not attempt to fix the ship, I will not pay heed to my crew’s bitching nor to the temptation of finding something worth millions
69. Once a betrayer, always a betrayer. No trusting of betrayers
70. There are worse things than death. Using my trusty shotgun on myself will be quick and painless
71. If something happens every so many years, or on a set time schedule, and that something involves people dieing (especially if they are being eaten) I will plan my out of state vacation at that time
72. I will believe the experts when they tell me any of the following: “this is not the shark,” “no human could have done this,” “this was no ordinary creature,” or my personal favorite “there could still be more out there”
73. Just because an insect has grown to a biologically impossible size does not mean that Raid will not still work on it
74. Abandoned towns are abandoned for a reason
75. No autopsies on weird creatures until I can be sure beyond any doubt that said creatures are fully and irreversibly dead
76. A person missing an arm can still become and armless zombie. A person missing a head cannot become a zombie at all
77. Survival over personal comfort. Survival over anything
78. #77 being said I will exploit every and any weakness of whatever is killing people, no matter how revolting it may be to me
79. If I think it’s gone, it’s still there. I can wait until it gets bored
80. If I start mutating, I will give my trusty shotgun to someone I trust and tell them to shoot me only if I try and attack them. Just because it’s a weird and unexplainable mutation doesn’t mean it’s a bad mutation
81. If the person in #30 dies, I will take their trusty weapon
82. Possession is 9/10 of the law. Getting the ghost or demon to confess is the other 1/10
83. When the dog who never listens actually shuts up, something probably killed it. I will leave my house with my trusty shotgun and run like hell immediately
84. Showing mercy tends to leave you dead. My companion will probably not make it anyway, better to get rid of the dead weight now
85. Morals are highly overrated
86. The thing you are fighting does not care about morals, does not care about love, does not care about loyalty, murder charges or how cute something is. Anyone who does is at a severe disadvantage
87. I do not need to outrun the monster, I just need to outrun whoever is with me
88. When removing a possessed body part, I will not let it escape. I will either ‘kill’ or restrain it so it cannot turn on me later
89. Everyone will sleep in the same room, and have bathroom buddies. It’s creepy but a good way to not die
90. No matter what anyone says about any house or other supposedly inanimate object, no matter how absurd it sounds, I will believe them
91. If someone says ‘we’ll leave in the morning’ don’t. Leave that night, let them die waiting for the morning
92. If turning on the lights does not stop creepy things from happening, I will run like hell
93. Should a random and seemingly deranged individual come up to me and start warning me about whatever, wherever, or whoever I will heed their advice. They’re probably right (these people usually become deranged for a reason)
94. Do not pick on the ones who are messed up or live in a messed up household. Chances are that if you do they will eventually snap and kill you along with everyone else who ever mocked them
95. Sometimes the mysterious masked and/or cloaked person who helps you out really does want to help you out. On the other hand said person could just be trying to lure you into a trap. Keep at least one trusty weapon pointed at them at all times, just in case
96. Flashlights, battery powered lanterns, or any other light device that does not have the potential to burn down the place we’re in are best to use and should always be kept at hand
97. Cell phones are not always reliable, they have a habit of disconnecting, breaking, or losing their signal at the most inconvenient times. Always have a back up method of communication (and, you know, learning hand signals or Morse code couldn’t hurt)
98. Batteries for any and every electronic device I have on me are to be stored in any pocket not being used for shotgun shells (see #15 and #16)
99. Night vision goggles, infrared goggles, ghost seeing glasses, and anything else than can be used to better detect where the thing or person that is after us is will be given to everyone in the group. If one can figure out how to put them all onto one pair of goggles all the better
100. Anything the killer has (this includes mutated creatures, weapons, and pretty much anything) that can be obtained and used against them should be. Everyone knows killers always keep their weaknesses right on hand
101. This list is your survival guide. DO NOT LOSE IT. Even better, make copies, copies save lives
If I Ever Am A Victim In A Horror Movie:
1. I will not hide a dead body, anywhere, at any time, this will only convince people that I’m the murderer
2. If I hear something or someone breathing behind me, I will not turn around. If they had wanted to kill me while my back was to them, they would have already done so
3. I will not get hysterical, run away from the group, and get myself killed
4. For that matter I will not leave the group
5. Or get myself killed
6. Should the person or thing that has been killing people show itself, then run away, I will not chase it
7. This goes double if it runs into a forest
8. This goes triple if it is at night, quadruple if it is in a forest at night
9. My car will be in top condition, no matter the cost, and will always have a full tank
10. I will remember that I can walk faster than any zombie
11. Looking back at whatever is following me while driving will only cause me to crash. Either I will out run it or I won’t, I don’t need to push the odds even further into the killer’s favor
12. I will not, I repeat WILL NOT run UP the stairs
13. The only exception to #12 is if I have a helicopter waiting on the roof to carry me far far away
14. Looking back at whatever is following me while running will only cause me to trip. Either I will out run it or I won’t, I don’t need to push the odds even further into the killer’s favor
15. I will always carry my trusty shotgun, with extra bullets filling up every pocket on my person
16. I will wear pants and coats with lots of deep pockets in which to put bullets for my trusty shotgun
17. If a person is wounded by a zombie, shoot first, look for an antidote later
18. Not all vampires are allergic to silver, holy items, garlic, or crossing a body of moving water. A stake through the heart will kill anything
19. Assuming I know of an antidote to whatever virus is spreading, I will immediately seek it out, not wait until half the city is contaminated
20. I will not create or steal a virus that can reanimate living matter, no matter how tempting
21. No machine, weapon, or computer will ever be smart enough to use said virus on its own should I, or anyone else, actually create it
22. When something pulls a disappearing act I will not stand in an open area and look for it. I will back into a corner with a low hanging roof, and pull out my trusty shotgun
23. If it keeps moving after my trusty shotgun, or any trusty gun, has emptied itself into its head or chest, I will conserve bullets and throw other things at it until something works.
24. If nothing works, I will run like hell
25. I will not have sex. If anyone I know of has had sex within the past twenty four hours, I will stay far away from them. They are going to die soon
26. Headshots, headshots, headshots
27. Should drool land on my shoulder, I will keep walking. Despite my curiosity I will not look up
30. If I have no trusty shotgun, no trusty pistol, no trusty gun of any kind; I will find someone who does, and never leave their side
31. All lights in my house will be turned on before I enter any room
32. The fuse box will not be half a mile away in a decaying shack
33. If a spirit is pissed off, I will find out why the spirit is pissed off and attempt to rectify it, in exchange for my life of course
34. I am not above making deals to save my own life
35. I am not above becoming a vampire or werewolf if it means staying alive…or close enough to staying alive
36. Shooting the body five more times will make sure it is dead, I don’t need to get within grabbing distance to make sure. (see #23 if it is not dead)
37. Any movie that is said to kill people is not worth watching
38. Sleepy Hollow, Darkness Falls, Silent Hill or any city with a similarly unsettling name are to be avoided at all costs
39. Should my best friend, love interest, or family member be killed while facing off with a monster, psycho, or other killer, I will not charge from my hiding spot in an attempt to get revenge. I will silently mourn my loss, wait for the thing to leave, and quickly go the opposite direction
40. That being said, I will never be the best friend, love interest, or family member to face off with a monster, psycho, or other killer
41. Do not go out looking for whatever may be out there. Find a nice room with one entrance, no windows, and plenty of room for everyone to stand facing the door ready to blow the thing’s head off as soon as it comes looking for us
42. Groups work better when they stay groups
43. Dead people are supposed to stay dead. I don’t care if it’s my long lost twin, if he/she died and then reappears, he/she will meet my trusty shotgun
44. Guns shoot, swords stab or cut, knifes get thrown, bombs get detonated out of range of myself. If I cannot follow this, I deserve to die
45. Anyone who utters the phrase “It’s just a _____. What’s the worst it can do?” deserves to die
46. I will never take a curse lightly
47. If I believe #46 to be rubbish, I still will not open any ancient texts and read aloud. Reading to myself is fine as long as I don’t mumble
48. If I’m told that no mortal weapon can kill something, I will shoot it once to make sure, then go in search of what can kill it
49. I will always be in excellent shape for all of the running like hell I will have to do
50. Knowing the terrain I’m in is key. That way I will not come across a sudden cliff or dead end while I am running like hell
51. Assuming #37 will probably be ignored. I will not answer the phone, I will move out to a desolate area with no TV’s, and I will stay there until the specified number of days and then some have passed
52. Locked doors are good. Padlocked doors are better. Doors that can only be opened via retinal scan and fingerprint scan are the best only if the killer isn’t a genius. Use all three. If he/she can get through the retinal scan and fingerprint scan the simple lock will probably confuse the hell out of him/her
53. Why leave a secure area, in the middle of the night, with something killing people out there, when I can just stay where I am until daylight and backup arrive?
54. I will call for backup
55. When one person in the group cracks and runs for the door I will lock the door behind them. Maybe whatever is out there will tire of eating idiots and leave
56. If I know for a fact that the thing is waiting right outside of the door when #55 happens, I will instead shoot the person before they get a chance to reach the door. This will dissuade the rest and keep the thing from getting in
57. Should I be told that my child is pure evil, I will either kill the little hell spawn on the spot or make a deal with him/her to let me manage his/her destruction so that he/she will always have things to maim, kill, and destroy (and keep myself alive)
58. Should I be told that my child is pure evil, I will hunt down the bastard who knocked me up and get him to take the evil back, or to make me queen of his evil domain. It’s only fair
59. I will learn how to use and then purchase a trusty shotgun, just in case.
60. I will learn how to use and then purchase throwing knives or a pistol, just in case my trusty shotgun is stolen, goes missing, breaks, or somehow (see #15 and #16) runs out of ammo
61. When everyone who has ever come in contact with a house or other object has died, and I come into contact with it, I will destroy it. And I will make damn sure no one stops me
62. If I hear something that is not my child, or something that is not there, call me ‘mommy’ I will quickly correct it, suggest another person, and run like hell
63. When weird unexplainable things happen in or around my house or apartment, I won’t go searching for the reason. I will pack up and leave as quickly as humanly possible
64. I will heed the warnings of friendly and helpful ghosts or other such beings
65. I will not blindly follow a ghost or other such being that I can be pretty sure will try to kill me, chances are, this is what the helpful ghosts or other beings were trying to warn me about
66. Ghosts do not just take revenge on those who are responsible for their death, sometimes that just feel like killing anything in their way
67. “Someone has been here recently, but what happened to them?” once this phrase has been uttered, investigating further will probably just get me killed
68. If there is good reason to believe that the ship I just found is haunted, and not in a good way, I will call the coast guard, I will not go onboard until sunrise, I will keep my crew together, I will not attempt to fix the ship, I will not pay heed to my crew’s bitching nor to the temptation of finding something worth millions
69. Once a betrayer, always a betrayer. No trusting of betrayers
70. There are worse things than death. Using my trusty shotgun on myself will be quick and painless
71. If something happens every so many years, or on a set time schedule, and that something involves people dieing (especially if they are being eaten) I will plan my out of state vacation at that time
72. I will believe the experts when they tell me any of the following: “this is not the shark,” “no human could have done this,” “this was no ordinary creature,” or my personal favorite “there could still be more out there”
73. Just because an insect has grown to a biologically impossible size does not mean that Raid will not still work on it
74. Abandoned towns are abandoned for a reason
75. No autopsies on weird creatures until I can be sure beyond any doubt that said creatures are fully and irreversibly dead
76. A person missing an arm can still become and armless zombie. A person missing a head cannot become a zombie at all
77. Survival over personal comfort. Survival over anything
78. #77 being said I will exploit every and any weakness of whatever is killing people, no matter how revolting it may be to me
79. If I think it’s gone, it’s still there. I can wait until it gets bored
80. If I start mutating, I will give my trusty shotgun to someone I trust and tell them to shoot me only if I try and attack them. Just because it’s a weird and unexplainable mutation doesn’t mean it’s a bad mutation
81. If the person in #30 dies, I will take their trusty weapon
82. Possession is 9/10 of the law. Getting the ghost or demon to confess is the other 1/10
83. When the dog who never listens actually shuts up, something probably killed it. I will leave my house with my trusty shotgun and run like hell immediately
84. Showing mercy tends to leave you dead. My companion will probably not make it anyway, better to get rid of the dead weight now
85. Morals are highly overrated
86. The thing you are fighting does not care about morals, does not care about love, does not care about loyalty, murder charges or how cute something is. Anyone who does is at a severe disadvantage
87. I do not need to outrun the monster, I just need to outrun whoever is with me
88. When removing a possessed body part, I will not let it escape. I will either ‘kill’ or restrain it so it cannot turn on me later
89. Everyone will sleep in the same room, and have bathroom buddies. It’s creepy but a good way to not die
90. No matter what anyone says about any house or other supposedly inanimate object, no matter how absurd it sounds, I will believe them
91. If someone says ‘we’ll leave in the morning’ don’t. Leave that night, let them die waiting for the morning
92. If turning on the lights does not stop creepy things from happening, I will run like hell
93. Should a random and seemingly deranged individual come up to me and start warning me about whatever, wherever, or whoever I will heed their advice. They’re probably right (these people usually become deranged for a reason)
94. Do not pick on the ones who are messed up or live in a messed up household. Chances are that if you do they will eventually snap and kill you along with everyone else who ever mocked them
95. Sometimes the mysterious masked and/or cloaked person who helps you out really does want to help you out. On the other hand said person could just be trying to lure you into a trap. Keep at least one trusty weapon pointed at them at all times, just in case
96. Flashlights, battery powered lanterns, or any other light device that does not have the potential to burn down the place we’re in are best to use and should always be kept at hand
97. Cell phones are not always reliable, they have a habit of disconnecting, breaking, or losing their signal at the most inconvenient times. Always have a back up method of communication (and, you know, learning hand signals or Morse code couldn’t hurt)
98. Batteries for any and every electronic device I have on me are to be stored in any pocket not being used for shotgun shells (see #15 and #16)
99. Night vision goggles, infrared goggles, ghost seeing glasses, and anything else than can be used to better detect where the thing or person that is after us is will be given to everyone in the group. If one can figure out how to put them all onto one pair of goggles all the better
100. Anything the killer has (this includes mutated creatures, weapons, and pretty much anything) that can be obtained and used against them should be. Everyone knows killers always keep their weaknesses right on hand
101. This list is your survival guide. DO NOT LOSE IT. Even better, make copies, copies save lives