i found two tacs in my bed...
I had a revelation today. I think that to the my peers, I come off as overly open and annoyingly amiable. People that have known me for a prolonged period of time but on a more surface level have told me that I'm too naive and trusting. Maybe it seems that way because I'm desperate to be liked and that trait is annoying to people. Maybe I'm too happy-chirpy all the time. And I don't want to be liked in that teenage glam-queen kind of way, but just to have people walk down the road and see me and think, "Hey, I know that girl. She seems really friendly." It's more important to have people WANT to know me, then to have them really know me. I'm always scared that they wont like what they know, so it's better just to be a friendly and distant.
Glenn tells me my mentality is all wrong, that it's not important to be liked by everyone. Maybe, but I haven't been raised that way. The truth is, I've never wanted to be cool. The only way I've ever been concerned about fitting in is when it comes to being an immigrant, and I got used to that. But I can fully admit that I'd rather be talked about negatively then not talked about at all. It's scary to me that one day, I'll be forgotten. I think only Hae-Joon understands my mentality completely because before college, there was nothing I was more scared of then her replacing me.
I'm sorry, but I was not raised being told to be yourself. Yourself is what you find when you have a happy balance of friends and acquaintances. In high school, I couldn't go to the bathroom without friend with me. The scariest thing in life is to be alone. That's what I think. So to me, myself is me along with those people who I hold dear to me, those people that know that regardless of how tough I like to come off, I cry all the time. I don't want to be needy. In some ways, I guess I'm more independent then the average college kid. At least that's what Hae-Joon tells me. And I always believed she was right.
Sometimes, it makes me feel like I'm an adult already. I come to New York to have a short lunch with my best friend, hop on a bus, go to my boyfriends. I work. I study. I read books. I feel like I'm missing something. I don't do the crazy things I used to do in high school. There are no more celebrity fests where I dress up as something crazy. I no longer have a reason to tease my hair and chop a sweatshirt for eighties day. Even when I was playing with Steven this weekend, I felt less like his sister, and more like a nanny. "No Steven, no more turns. Put the airplane down. It's time for dinner."
I'm excited for this summer. As much as I like living by myself, it'll be nice to have other people take care of me. I felt like things were really good between my mother and I when I went home this weekend. Hopefully that will stick.
I'm interning at the Manhattan Psychiatric Center. Dr. Kader told me to seriously consider it. The patients are schizophrenic, bi-polar, and drug addicts. They're almost solely previous inmated of various prisons in the New York area. They will stare, may try to touch me, and will yell obscene things. Sometimes they will succeed in touching me. They are also very sexually primitive. I'm excited. Hopefully it'll teach me to be more compassionate. I'm not scared. I want to feel that every person matters on an individual level. I told Jenna I don't, but I really want to. I want to be a better person. Maybe then I'll realize it's not that important to have everyone like you, because as a person, everyone matters to someone.
---
None of this jabber makes sense. It's because I think I'm dying. I keep feeling really cold and my skin is freezing but I'm sweating profusely. I have constant headaches, dizziness, and the PowerPoint was blurry in Psych today. I think it's all going to my head.
I've negelected Kira and I feel badly. But at the same time, I am hitting desperation. I'm not ready for everything to change and I don't want my new friends to go home and forget about me. I don't want Glenn to become less attached to me. I know he tells me that Jennie doesn't pose a threat to me, but I don't like knowing she exists. I know I get upset irrationally, but I do not want to know where she lives, I don't care about their history, and I hate thinking she still likes him in the present. I know it's not fair because of how close Mike and I are, but sometimes I feel like it's different. Mike didn't suddenly reappear in my life, partially into the relationship.
Maybe sometime I'll become more secure. I hope I can start to believe that people can have more then one best friend. But right now, I'm terribly confused and frightened. I don't know what I'm doing with my life anymore. I've always had everything set, and suddenly all I can do is simultaneously shiver and sweat and hope that nobody that is important to me forgets about me, even if they go home for the summer or don't live in the same room as me next year.
And as bad as it is, sometimes I feel good that my friends aren't always happy at their schools. I do want them to be happy, but I also want to feel like I'm missed.
<3
Oh and thank you Shirley for motivating me to write. Your every other day entries made me feel like a bum.
Glenn tells me my mentality is all wrong, that it's not important to be liked by everyone. Maybe, but I haven't been raised that way. The truth is, I've never wanted to be cool. The only way I've ever been concerned about fitting in is when it comes to being an immigrant, and I got used to that. But I can fully admit that I'd rather be talked about negatively then not talked about at all. It's scary to me that one day, I'll be forgotten. I think only Hae-Joon understands my mentality completely because before college, there was nothing I was more scared of then her replacing me.
I'm sorry, but I was not raised being told to be yourself. Yourself is what you find when you have a happy balance of friends and acquaintances. In high school, I couldn't go to the bathroom without friend with me. The scariest thing in life is to be alone. That's what I think. So to me, myself is me along with those people who I hold dear to me, those people that know that regardless of how tough I like to come off, I cry all the time. I don't want to be needy. In some ways, I guess I'm more independent then the average college kid. At least that's what Hae-Joon tells me. And I always believed she was right.
Sometimes, it makes me feel like I'm an adult already. I come to New York to have a short lunch with my best friend, hop on a bus, go to my boyfriends. I work. I study. I read books. I feel like I'm missing something. I don't do the crazy things I used to do in high school. There are no more celebrity fests where I dress up as something crazy. I no longer have a reason to tease my hair and chop a sweatshirt for eighties day. Even when I was playing with Steven this weekend, I felt less like his sister, and more like a nanny. "No Steven, no more turns. Put the airplane down. It's time for dinner."
I'm excited for this summer. As much as I like living by myself, it'll be nice to have other people take care of me. I felt like things were really good between my mother and I when I went home this weekend. Hopefully that will stick.
I'm interning at the Manhattan Psychiatric Center. Dr. Kader told me to seriously consider it. The patients are schizophrenic, bi-polar, and drug addicts. They're almost solely previous inmated of various prisons in the New York area. They will stare, may try to touch me, and will yell obscene things. Sometimes they will succeed in touching me. They are also very sexually primitive. I'm excited. Hopefully it'll teach me to be more compassionate. I'm not scared. I want to feel that every person matters on an individual level. I told Jenna I don't, but I really want to. I want to be a better person. Maybe then I'll realize it's not that important to have everyone like you, because as a person, everyone matters to someone.
---
None of this jabber makes sense. It's because I think I'm dying. I keep feeling really cold and my skin is freezing but I'm sweating profusely. I have constant headaches, dizziness, and the PowerPoint was blurry in Psych today. I think it's all going to my head.
I've negelected Kira and I feel badly. But at the same time, I am hitting desperation. I'm not ready for everything to change and I don't want my new friends to go home and forget about me. I don't want Glenn to become less attached to me. I know he tells me that Jennie doesn't pose a threat to me, but I don't like knowing she exists. I know I get upset irrationally, but I do not want to know where she lives, I don't care about their history, and I hate thinking she still likes him in the present. I know it's not fair because of how close Mike and I are, but sometimes I feel like it's different. Mike didn't suddenly reappear in my life, partially into the relationship.
Maybe sometime I'll become more secure. I hope I can start to believe that people can have more then one best friend. But right now, I'm terribly confused and frightened. I don't know what I'm doing with my life anymore. I've always had everything set, and suddenly all I can do is simultaneously shiver and sweat and hope that nobody that is important to me forgets about me, even if they go home for the summer or don't live in the same room as me next year.
And as bad as it is, sometimes I feel good that my friends aren't always happy at their schools. I do want them to be happy, but I also want to feel like I'm missed.
<3
Oh and thank you Shirley for motivating me to write. Your every other day entries made me feel like a bum.