Thinking on Dover Beach
Not sure why I'm entitling this first post in several months "Thinking on Dover Beach"....well, actually I do know why, it's because of reading a passage from Christopher Rice's novel "A Density of Souls" and it reminded me of that poem by Matthew Arnold. Makes me think of English Lit from high school. There's my favorite poem from high school, Dylan Thomas' "Fern Hill"..."though I lay green and dying, I sang in my chains like the sea." It's funny because that's exactly the opposite of the person that I was in high school and more like the person I am today. You see, in high school, there was a part of me that was alive (the intelligent, slightly elitist part) while the real me, the gay me, was choking and gasping for any semblance of air. I certainly didn't acknowledge this suffocating being inside of me so couldn't very well express it in a Thomas like song. Yet today, I really do feel like Thomas' character. I feel like so much of me is dying though the gay part of me is singing out proud. Ironic, isn't it? This begs the question: Do you have to sacrifice part of yourself in order to embrace your queerness? And what part? When can you make these judgments? And if you do have to sacrifice, why? I have been out in being gay since my sophomore year in college and in ensuing years, being gay has taken up an increasing amount of my time and my personality. Obviously, this isn't a bad thing. In fact, it's pretty healthy. Unfortunately for most of us gay men (I don't think there are any women on my friend's list so I'll keep it at gay men), we couldn't have a normal adolescent development in terms of realizing our sexual feelings and being able to act on them so we're left to deal with this "emerging sexuality" when we come out, in our late teens, 20s or even later. This presents a problem because, unlike the leisure that represents childhood, we have other aspects of living that we must attend to while at the same time trying to handle this "new" sexuality. How do healthy gay men handle the responsibilities of life while at the same time handling their sexuality? In my experience over the last 4 years, it's pretty difficult. I think I handled it much better when I was in college than I do now. Fitting in boys and fitting in my school work was hard, but it happened. I mean, I got laid a lot. And, I did extremely well in school...somehow managing to get into a top 10 medical school. But since I got out of Chicago and moved out west to San Fran, my life has gotten a lot more complex and, in the face of the complexities, the role that being gay has occupied in my life has grown exponentially. I make analogies to pleasure and potential pain. When a baby with an insecure attachment to his or her mother is faced with a strange, potentially perilous situation, he/she clings even tighter to the known pleasure of the mother. For me, gay life--the clubs, the clothes, the sex--represent a nurturing mother, a world that I know. Perhaps it's really not that great of a world, but I know it and it's a respite for me. However, I don't get the results that I want from my gay life--I'm still unhappy about not having any gay friends or a boyfriend--and I still cling to the gargatuan role it plays in my life. The clinging is so much that it almost borders on addiction. But aren't a lot (most?) gay guys my age "addicted" to being gay? I would venture to say yes. So, we get back to the question phrased a little differently--how do succesful gay men become succesful and remain gay? How can we break Thomas' chains of death and truly sing in joy about all aspects of our life? Comments appreciated:-)