Some recent ramblings....
Well, I haven't made a real post on here for some time so I figured now's as good a time as any...especially since I have some things to get off my chest. This post covers being gay, being biracial, yearning to be "normal."
( The following is pretty un-PC and there are a lot of complaints in here so if you're reading this, be prepared to think a little and be willing to help me out )
( The following is pretty un-PC and there are a lot of complaints in here so if you're reading this, be prepared to think a little and be willing to help me out )
Half n' Half
It's funny because I'm half Vietnamese and half Spanish. I don't identify very closely with my Vietnamese side at all because I wasn't really exposed to it and frankly you can't tell unless you were looking for that in me. Delving into my roots though, I have learnt where I come from and can appreciate a part of me that I never thought to explore. Don't know if it's the same with you. Rather than shunning it, embrace it. It's what makes you unique and have that much more to offer. Just a different way to look at it, I suppose.
Being Gay
Our society is so label crazy that we have come up with "metrosexuals". *rolls eyes* What a joke. Just as in the 'straight' world, you have diversity. There is a whole spectrum. So much so, that there is a website devoted to "straight acting gays". *shakes head* To each his own, I guess. That term bugs me simply because it suggest that the person is still trying to conform into a mold society has impressed upon them on what is "right". And who does that? Usually the religious sect. They all need to get their collective broom handles out of their asses and look at their "gay issues" from a different point of view and realise that ... it isn't an issue.
Why so desperate to conform? You are you and we learned in kindergarten that we are all unique and special. Why should that change now and just "be like everyone else"?
The rest...
I just sounds as if you are not happy in your own shell. You repeatedly mention how you keep anything 'gay' at arms length and reject everything rather than embracing as part of you.
Being gay is not a full time job. It's simply a part of you like your eye color or hair color. Granted, there are those who make it a full time job. But who said we don't have our own subclass of weirdos? The "straights" do so what makes us so different? *smirks*
Baby steps, my friend. Like I keep saying, being gay is not that different from being straight. You just like [insert crude word for penis], and have good fashion sense, that's all *wink*.
The doubt and self-hatred is probably because you're just nervous of rejection? It's far easier to just push a stranger away than to let them in. Do this... next time you're trying to engage cute_boy_06 in conversation, just treat him like straight guy. You're putting too much thought into it to begin with. Relax!
That completes my rambling... I think I made this too long. :P
Reply
Thanks for the reply:-) It's good to hear sound advice. Yeah, I probably should try to embrace the black part of my culture more. It's difficult though because I don't have a good relationship with my Dad...and he doesn't really have a good relationship with his black heritage either. So, I don't really know where to go there. It's extremely difficult.
Yes, we are ridiculously label crazy! It's insane! See, my crazy fantasy (or maybe fetish?) is to meet some guy who doesn't define himself as gay necessarily but wants to be with me....yeah, I know that's crazy and will likely never happen, but that's my fantasy. I really want to conform because of this childhood desire to be like everyone else. It really is a carry over from my childhood. In a little aside, this is why every psychiatrist should be mandated to be certified as a child psychiatrist too. lol. I know we all should be unique...I even know it enough to tell other people that, but telling it to myself is more difficult.
Yes, I am not happy in my own shell. In reality, I don't have a stable self-image...something that I can always hold dear too and be happy with. I have problems trying to say to myself that "I'm gay" but not being able to fit into the gay culture, or the gay stereotype. You're right about some of the "straights" making being straight a full time job....there are definitely some weirdos out there. But, I'm not even trying to be like the weirdos, just like a normal guy who's gay. How do you embrace yourself when you're constantly being assaulted with the message that you're too different?
Baby steps...I feel like I'm in "What About Bob?" Baby steps to the elevator...hehehe. Doubt and self-hatred coming from fear of rejection? Definitely the case. Rejection has always been a primal fear for me. Sucks....so true about pushing someone away being easier. You know, I'm so relaxed in every area of my life, with the exception of this one. Somehow I need to allow that chill feeling to come into encounters with guys too. Oh, and who's this "cute_boy_06?" I may want to meet him! lol:-)
P.S. Thanks for writing a long post to complement my equally long one!
Reply
Leave a comment