I break in two over you...always have, always will.
After already writing this enormous post...I will now attempt to regather my thoughts on this trying issue (again) I definitely didnt need to write this twice...
Stuck in the present, a deer caught in headlights...what is one to do. My personal soundtrack consistly skipping on the worst song of the album...same line over and over again...enough already. This consistent drama is drowning my senses, drowning me. Buried alive in my own tears, and my own walls.
But whatever with how I feel internally. I've tried so many times since you've been back to just talk to you. But I havent been able to. You havent let me in since you've been back, maybe efforts have been attempted...but with little or no success. It's not a matter of cant's and wont's...it's not about who's to blame, and its not about the pizza...this I know. It's about it ALL.
How can you see things so one sided though? Have I not been there for you in return? Have I really been this awful friend to you that causes nothing but pain? If so then I release myself freely of you. But thats not it, and thats not the case. This I do not believe. A manipulator? A liar? A jealous self involved what...what else are you going to call me? You know me better than all these things. All I've ever done is speak my heart and my truth within me. I would never try to twist something into what its not...why would I go after something I didnt truly want? Whats the motive behind that? Your unhappiness? Fucking open your eyes. All I've ever tried to do is help mend you. Unknowing to your deceit. Unknowing to the darkness in your eyes that you held onto for me, that you kept so well hidden...all this time. This is open and communicative to you? You never forgave me? How was our friendship really ever there without this trust?
Yes, I have done some stupid hurtful things but shit dude. I LEARNED. I fucking learned, whether you want to believe or trust that. That was high school, and I cant stop the disillusioned fantasies of distrust I may, or may not have caused...My eyes did grow cold that day, temporarily, but how is one supposed to react? Shit happens, and I fall down a lot. But I pick myself up everytime, and work on how not to fall down that same way...Focusing on how not to fall down ever again. Focusing on never causing anyone pain...I try everyday.
But never have I experienced love, nor allowed anyone to feel that way towards me...and you have. AND IM FINALLY READY FOR IT. My feelings were here before all this...I just couldnt find the words...Sieze the opportunity. Let my feelings be known. I should go for that chance if I still can. Two years, regardless...time is meaningless, and emotion is everything...and if its not there then its not there. I can do nothing else. Even if I wanted to give you an ultimatum, WHICH I DIDNT, I couldnt....
When have you ever seen me REALLY walk away from a loved one in my life? I cant even leave my mother, not even for my own good!! and you think its going to be so easy to bail on you? Yes, I'd love to imagine I had the strength of 100 women and if I NEEDED to, I could go...and thats all Im saying. really...please dont excuse my actions for selfish, jealous, manipulative moves b/c I havent been able to word things clearly for you...I havent been able to think, let alone break down what Im feeling. Dont be mistaken...do not even think your feelings arent a factor in this dance. I care so deeply all the fucking time what your thinking/feeling/or doing...yet you think things arent mutual? Your always on my mind. Maybe thats why I cant shut up...maybe thats why I cant contain myself...I dunno why I say things I know I shouldn't. I DONT KNOW WHY
But... as for the shackles of emotion that binds you near me...your a free girl. Never would I ever want anyone in my life that didnt want me back...and you've always been free to fly and flutter as freely as you wanted. I may not like exactly what you land on, or where you fly too...but that doesnt mean my love will ever extract itself. There's just too much there to forget. Not enough weed in the world to drown out the memories..nor do I want it to, but shit...here comes the pain.
*Just Breathe*
Stuck in the present, a deer caught in headlights...what is one to do. My personal soundtrack consistly skipping on the worst song of the album...same line over and over again...enough already. This consistent drama is drowning my senses, drowning me. Buried alive in my own tears, and my own walls.
But whatever with how I feel internally. I've tried so many times since you've been back to just talk to you. But I havent been able to. You havent let me in since you've been back, maybe efforts have been attempted...but with little or no success. It's not a matter of cant's and wont's...it's not about who's to blame, and its not about the pizza...this I know. It's about it ALL.
How can you see things so one sided though? Have I not been there for you in return? Have I really been this awful friend to you that causes nothing but pain? If so then I release myself freely of you. But thats not it, and thats not the case. This I do not believe. A manipulator? A liar? A jealous self involved what...what else are you going to call me? You know me better than all these things. All I've ever done is speak my heart and my truth within me. I would never try to twist something into what its not...why would I go after something I didnt truly want? Whats the motive behind that? Your unhappiness? Fucking open your eyes. All I've ever tried to do is help mend you. Unknowing to your deceit. Unknowing to the darkness in your eyes that you held onto for me, that you kept so well hidden...all this time. This is open and communicative to you? You never forgave me? How was our friendship really ever there without this trust?
Yes, I have done some stupid hurtful things but shit dude. I LEARNED. I fucking learned, whether you want to believe or trust that. That was high school, and I cant stop the disillusioned fantasies of distrust I may, or may not have caused...My eyes did grow cold that day, temporarily, but how is one supposed to react? Shit happens, and I fall down a lot. But I pick myself up everytime, and work on how not to fall down that same way...Focusing on how not to fall down ever again. Focusing on never causing anyone pain...I try everyday.
But never have I experienced love, nor allowed anyone to feel that way towards me...and you have. AND IM FINALLY READY FOR IT. My feelings were here before all this...I just couldnt find the words...Sieze the opportunity. Let my feelings be known. I should go for that chance if I still can. Two years, regardless...time is meaningless, and emotion is everything...and if its not there then its not there. I can do nothing else. Even if I wanted to give you an ultimatum, WHICH I DIDNT, I couldnt....
When have you ever seen me REALLY walk away from a loved one in my life? I cant even leave my mother, not even for my own good!! and you think its going to be so easy to bail on you? Yes, I'd love to imagine I had the strength of 100 women and if I NEEDED to, I could go...and thats all Im saying. really...please dont excuse my actions for selfish, jealous, manipulative moves b/c I havent been able to word things clearly for you...I havent been able to think, let alone break down what Im feeling. Dont be mistaken...do not even think your feelings arent a factor in this dance. I care so deeply all the fucking time what your thinking/feeling/or doing...yet you think things arent mutual? Your always on my mind. Maybe thats why I cant shut up...maybe thats why I cant contain myself...I dunno why I say things I know I shouldn't. I DONT KNOW WHY
But... as for the shackles of emotion that binds you near me...your a free girl. Never would I ever want anyone in my life that didnt want me back...and you've always been free to fly and flutter as freely as you wanted. I may not like exactly what you land on, or where you fly too...but that doesnt mean my love will ever extract itself. There's just too much there to forget. Not enough weed in the world to drown out the memories..nor do I want it to, but shit...here comes the pain.
*Just Breathe*