A New Home
A house a home a place a location a base of operations a mortgage a roof a basement a shed a lawn a shared driveway a backyard a bedroom a house a home.
What is it we have purchased?
Those of you who follow Hope’s journal will know that we have agreed to purchase a home (subject to those title provisos that live in most purchase agreements). Those of you who don't follow her journal can now consider yourselves informed.
For you Torontonians, we will be south of Eglinton, between Dufferin and Bathurst. Cedervale ravine is about 8 seconds from my door. This is a good thing, because I think I am going to need a few trees to talk to after this little transaction is done.
Yes, I'm terrified. I'm sure most of you are pretty well sick of my terror. However, I don’t see mortgages in terms of currency, I see them in terms of time, and the amount of time I am committing to serve the bank is a bit staggering. Added to this is the lingering family memory of the massive surge in interest rates that took my parents by surprise (19.5%) and the following recession. I have long been concerned that the US is about to tank financially and might take us with it. A recession would drop house values like a stone and leave us paying out resources we will never recoup.
Alternatively, the out of control burn of the oily economy in various other provinces has made the Bank of Canada start raising interest rates to cool off inflation. I've wondered what would happen to our province if a national financial policy aimed to hamper the economy of an overheated resource based province took effect here. High interest rates would drop prices as well as being an additional burden when our interest rate is reviewed in five years. Plus, wouldn't it do nasty things to a manufacturing-based economy (which is what Ontario is)? I'm not an economist, I just find bogeymen in whatever I happen to be reading at the moment.
But of course this means more than dollars and sense. This would be our home, a place that is ours, a place that is my castle, albeit a little castle. When all is said and done, we own a bit of land in Toronto in a region that puts me in walking distance to the subway. This is a very good thing. And I'm sure it means many more things as well, but I'm getting stuck in ugly details. I wish I could simply turn the anxiety off, but I've not managed that trick yet, and I don’t see any sudden insight on that front arriving soon.
While I think that Hope is very pleased, we have had to make the decision that we cannot take our cats with us. One has been spoken for, but Baxter and Clytie will be needing new homes. This development is breaking our hearts. The cats are family. Plain and simple. But we are choosing family over family. If we don't, my sister and her little one will never darken our door.
I think also one of the nastiest voices in my heads that frequently sabotages my forays towards happiness is the inevitable comparison to others. My sister has managed to settle in a much larger place minutes from my dad. Most people I know in the Jewish community have found themselves in bigger homes with more amenities and greater security. And I feel like such a failure that I cannot provide these things for Hope. The past few weeks have been a non-stop self-flagellation for the decisions I have made and the opportunities I have wasted. I have not been disciplined enough or ambitious enough. And while this should feel like a success, I have managed to cast it as a surrender to second best.
I wish I wasn't like this.
What is it we have purchased?
Those of you who follow Hope’s journal will know that we have agreed to purchase a home (subject to those title provisos that live in most purchase agreements). Those of you who don't follow her journal can now consider yourselves informed.
For you Torontonians, we will be south of Eglinton, between Dufferin and Bathurst. Cedervale ravine is about 8 seconds from my door. This is a good thing, because I think I am going to need a few trees to talk to after this little transaction is done.
Yes, I'm terrified. I'm sure most of you are pretty well sick of my terror. However, I don’t see mortgages in terms of currency, I see them in terms of time, and the amount of time I am committing to serve the bank is a bit staggering. Added to this is the lingering family memory of the massive surge in interest rates that took my parents by surprise (19.5%) and the following recession. I have long been concerned that the US is about to tank financially and might take us with it. A recession would drop house values like a stone and leave us paying out resources we will never recoup.
Alternatively, the out of control burn of the oily economy in various other provinces has made the Bank of Canada start raising interest rates to cool off inflation. I've wondered what would happen to our province if a national financial policy aimed to hamper the economy of an overheated resource based province took effect here. High interest rates would drop prices as well as being an additional burden when our interest rate is reviewed in five years. Plus, wouldn't it do nasty things to a manufacturing-based economy (which is what Ontario is)? I'm not an economist, I just find bogeymen in whatever I happen to be reading at the moment.
But of course this means more than dollars and sense. This would be our home, a place that is ours, a place that is my castle, albeit a little castle. When all is said and done, we own a bit of land in Toronto in a region that puts me in walking distance to the subway. This is a very good thing. And I'm sure it means many more things as well, but I'm getting stuck in ugly details. I wish I could simply turn the anxiety off, but I've not managed that trick yet, and I don’t see any sudden insight on that front arriving soon.
While I think that Hope is very pleased, we have had to make the decision that we cannot take our cats with us. One has been spoken for, but Baxter and Clytie will be needing new homes. This development is breaking our hearts. The cats are family. Plain and simple. But we are choosing family over family. If we don't, my sister and her little one will never darken our door.
I think also one of the nastiest voices in my heads that frequently sabotages my forays towards happiness is the inevitable comparison to others. My sister has managed to settle in a much larger place minutes from my dad. Most people I know in the Jewish community have found themselves in bigger homes with more amenities and greater security. And I feel like such a failure that I cannot provide these things for Hope. The past few weeks have been a non-stop self-flagellation for the decisions I have made and the opportunities I have wasted. I have not been disciplined enough or ambitious enough. And while this should feel like a success, I have managed to cast it as a surrender to second best.
I wish I wasn't like this.