memories..
i was changing wallets tonight which sounds trivial enough..and i ran across something i wrote on a trip last summer..
it was just after my birthday and i had gotten asked out by the most fabulous guy i had been longing after for who knows..i was in ontario and he was off on a company trip (which i was supposed to attend this year) and i have this odd thing with writing letters to people, whether or not i send them i write them, i started doing that after my mom passed away.
i found this letter i had written to him that he never found out about and maybe if he reads this entry he will finally know.
i wrote how lucky i was, out of all the girls that were trying to get his attention the entire summer, and i never tried i mean girls were cooking for him and hell i got him to get me drinks and such...we would make things together i never waited on him...but he chose me. i don't know why and i don't know if i ever will but he did. and in this letter i wrote that i'm glad i stood out of the crowd for him and i hoped i always did. that night we had been out and there was this wind rushing around and i could feel him there...now we had only been going out about 15 days but i could feel him around me and i knew he was there. i had talked to him earlier and i found out he was picking me up when he was done work, i kept dreaming that he would greet me with open arms, kiss me and tell me he missed me... i always wanted to know if he missed me. well when i saw him that dream came true. i was kissed and i was missed, everything was what i had hoped. our relationship was amazing, i have never found anyone who i fit with so well. i swear we're the female and male version of eachother for the most part. the best time i ever had with him was hanging out, watching tv, eating dinner, and i have to say my favourite moments were cooking together...i remember shopping for the food beforehand then going to cook it..i was so happy. and i hope he was too. it was what i hoped for. i mean we disagreed and got frustrated sometimes i wanted to smack him but i never stopped loving him. then one day i realized i was falling in love with kid. i have no idea what it is, no one can make me laugh quite like him...he's the only one that can push me for my goals without pissing me off totally...we were best friends, lovers and for me it was all i could have asked for at the time. then i don't know what happened.
i always knew that part of loving was a choice and you could fall out of love with someone, 'but you were my ticket out of here and i was your dream come true, you gave me everything i ever wanted except for you.'
one day he fell out of love with me, i wished more than anything for it to come back, i wanted him to look at me and remember why he asked me out by the bonfire at my birthday...i don't know what happened to our relationship, but that time has been the best in my life, no matter what happened he was there. those panic attack nights where i would stop breathing to saturday morning bacon and egg breakfast and watching avatar. i wouldn't give up those memories for anything and now that we're friends, because we always have been and always will be i look back fondly on those memories. they were amazing.
i can say with confidence i've had my first love, and he will always have part of my heart, those curly brown locks and eyes that could see right through me. and i hope i will always have a part of his heart. and until that love of this man i was with subsides into a love of a friend it will be hard and it will hurt sometimes that he doesn't love me back, but its what it is.
a bunch of fabulous memories.
it was just after my birthday and i had gotten asked out by the most fabulous guy i had been longing after for who knows..i was in ontario and he was off on a company trip (which i was supposed to attend this year) and i have this odd thing with writing letters to people, whether or not i send them i write them, i started doing that after my mom passed away.
i found this letter i had written to him that he never found out about and maybe if he reads this entry he will finally know.
i wrote how lucky i was, out of all the girls that were trying to get his attention the entire summer, and i never tried i mean girls were cooking for him and hell i got him to get me drinks and such...we would make things together i never waited on him...but he chose me. i don't know why and i don't know if i ever will but he did. and in this letter i wrote that i'm glad i stood out of the crowd for him and i hoped i always did. that night we had been out and there was this wind rushing around and i could feel him there...now we had only been going out about 15 days but i could feel him around me and i knew he was there. i had talked to him earlier and i found out he was picking me up when he was done work, i kept dreaming that he would greet me with open arms, kiss me and tell me he missed me... i always wanted to know if he missed me. well when i saw him that dream came true. i was kissed and i was missed, everything was what i had hoped. our relationship was amazing, i have never found anyone who i fit with so well. i swear we're the female and male version of eachother for the most part. the best time i ever had with him was hanging out, watching tv, eating dinner, and i have to say my favourite moments were cooking together...i remember shopping for the food beforehand then going to cook it..i was so happy. and i hope he was too. it was what i hoped for. i mean we disagreed and got frustrated sometimes i wanted to smack him but i never stopped loving him. then one day i realized i was falling in love with kid. i have no idea what it is, no one can make me laugh quite like him...he's the only one that can push me for my goals without pissing me off totally...we were best friends, lovers and for me it was all i could have asked for at the time. then i don't know what happened.
i always knew that part of loving was a choice and you could fall out of love with someone, 'but you were my ticket out of here and i was your dream come true, you gave me everything i ever wanted except for you.'
one day he fell out of love with me, i wished more than anything for it to come back, i wanted him to look at me and remember why he asked me out by the bonfire at my birthday...i don't know what happened to our relationship, but that time has been the best in my life, no matter what happened he was there. those panic attack nights where i would stop breathing to saturday morning bacon and egg breakfast and watching avatar. i wouldn't give up those memories for anything and now that we're friends, because we always have been and always will be i look back fondly on those memories. they were amazing.
i can say with confidence i've had my first love, and he will always have part of my heart, those curly brown locks and eyes that could see right through me. and i hope i will always have a part of his heart. and until that love of this man i was with subsides into a love of a friend it will be hard and it will hurt sometimes that he doesn't love me back, but its what it is.
a bunch of fabulous memories.