Bout damn time....
Yea so i'm suppose to be doing homework right now...hahaha, yea right like i can focus on anything this late at night...i totally have a lot on my mind right now, like too much i think, but it's all good, it keeps me distracted i guess even thought i know it'll come crashing down on me any day now.
So things i have on my mind as of right now include:
~my Boyfriend
*prom
*ex-girlfriend factor
*lack of time
~Work
* that would be count them, 2 jobs=no time
~School
*what a bitch!
*bringing my grades up
*getting my schedule in order for next year
~friends
*drama, lots of it
*lack of time for them
*lies
~money
~time
~projects
~college plans
~Surgeries
And the list goes on&on&on.....but the main thing on my mind is of course my sister. In about 15 minutes sometime between 11&12 she'll have been dead for exactly two months. quite honeslty it breaks my heart into billions of pieces&slivers&shards every time i think of her, which i try very hard not to, but hell ya know its kind of hard to not when every little thing i do some how oddly manages to go back to thoughts of her. i wish she hadn't left me&i wish i could just talk to her and tell her how hard life is without her how unbelievably hard it is to go on living day to day knowing everything i experience i can't tell her about, or get advice on, or laugh or cry with her. Word of advice to all, Suicide is the most selfish thing a person can do&is never worth all the pain left behind.......i know it's suppose to get easier with time or some crap like that, but i'm taking the hard way around it and trying to ignore it not feel anything and it's working pretty damn well. but now i can feel myself breaking down little by little, having to deal with my parents expecting things to be the same at school and potentially having to quit my jobs even though it's third tri because my grades are shitty because i can't concentrate and i really don't care any more-and then theres the fact that i'm trying so hard to keep myself busy with work, babysitting mondays&tuesdays and working at A&W the rest of the week, that i have no time for my boyfriend, and it's totally not fair to him at all i have no idea why i got such a good guy and am not putting forth more effort into this relationship.god i have so many things on my mind i feel i could explode, my dog that we got when we moved up from california had cancer and may not last through the summer, or through next month for all i know, and when we have to put him down i'm going to break down, i know it i can literally picture and get flashes of such strong pain whenever i think about it. He's the biggest memory i have with my sister, that was our dog, our lives revolved around taking care of him and i cant bear the thought of losing that, but theres nothing i can do about it....i think that maybe i need to go on prozac or something, because my shell is starting to crack and i dont klnow how much longer i can hold it together....
I love my friends though-they are total anchors&goofs&nerds&i couldn't and don't want anything mroe or less than that, i'm blessed by having such good friends i just wish and hope they all know exactly how much they mean to me. i wish i could be a better friend if i'm lacking at all, :)
But i thought it was about time to write some of this stuff out, and there will be loads more where that came from, i don't care if anyone reads it, i jsut need to get it out maybe this will help.
Good night all
Love-Jess
So things i have on my mind as of right now include:
~my Boyfriend
*prom
*ex-girlfriend factor
*lack of time
~Work
* that would be count them, 2 jobs=no time
~School
*what a bitch!
*bringing my grades up
*getting my schedule in order for next year
~friends
*drama, lots of it
*lack of time for them
*lies
~money
~time
~projects
~college plans
~Surgeries
And the list goes on&on&on.....but the main thing on my mind is of course my sister. In about 15 minutes sometime between 11&12 she'll have been dead for exactly two months. quite honeslty it breaks my heart into billions of pieces&slivers&shards every time i think of her, which i try very hard not to, but hell ya know its kind of hard to not when every little thing i do some how oddly manages to go back to thoughts of her. i wish she hadn't left me&i wish i could just talk to her and tell her how hard life is without her how unbelievably hard it is to go on living day to day knowing everything i experience i can't tell her about, or get advice on, or laugh or cry with her. Word of advice to all, Suicide is the most selfish thing a person can do&is never worth all the pain left behind.......i know it's suppose to get easier with time or some crap like that, but i'm taking the hard way around it and trying to ignore it not feel anything and it's working pretty damn well. but now i can feel myself breaking down little by little, having to deal with my parents expecting things to be the same at school and potentially having to quit my jobs even though it's third tri because my grades are shitty because i can't concentrate and i really don't care any more-and then theres the fact that i'm trying so hard to keep myself busy with work, babysitting mondays&tuesdays and working at A&W the rest of the week, that i have no time for my boyfriend, and it's totally not fair to him at all i have no idea why i got such a good guy and am not putting forth more effort into this relationship.god i have so many things on my mind i feel i could explode, my dog that we got when we moved up from california had cancer and may not last through the summer, or through next month for all i know, and when we have to put him down i'm going to break down, i know it i can literally picture and get flashes of such strong pain whenever i think about it. He's the biggest memory i have with my sister, that was our dog, our lives revolved around taking care of him and i cant bear the thought of losing that, but theres nothing i can do about it....i think that maybe i need to go on prozac or something, because my shell is starting to crack and i dont klnow how much longer i can hold it together....
I love my friends though-they are total anchors&goofs&nerds&i couldn't and don't want anything mroe or less than that, i'm blessed by having such good friends i just wish and hope they all know exactly how much they mean to me. i wish i could be a better friend if i'm lacking at all, :)
But i thought it was about time to write some of this stuff out, and there will be loads more where that came from, i don't care if anyone reads it, i jsut need to get it out maybe this will help.
Good night all
Love-Jess