Dear Journal,
why is it that i like all the cheesy romance movies from the eighties? i was just watching "You've Got Mail" with Meg Ryan and Tom Hanks. then i thought to myself, i am going to go write a journal entry. yes. you know why? because those three words, "you've got mail," convinced me to. for some really odd reason, and it makes me wonder. where is the fine line between being online regularly and over-excessively using the internet? i believe i use it excessively, but i tend to do many things such as communicate with people via email or instant messenger or just write in my journal. but why do i spend so much time on it? on average i would say 14 hours of online time a week. that is a lot, not to mention it makes me feel like a biological nerd for doing so. the internet is a time waster and energy absorber. there are so many other things i can be doing. there's nothing better than curling up in bed with a big sweatshirt, listening to your favorite mellow cd, and reading a good book while sipping calming tea. ha ha. but why is it that i'm always drawn to the computer? i don't even watch that much tv, at least. then i tend to go take a shower and go to bed, of course having done my homework and piano (which i'm really enjoying a tremendous amount...piano not homework). in any case, it takes me about an hour and a half to two hours to wind down. there's so much on my mind lately that i don't get to sleep as early. hell if i ever did get to sleep as soon as i got to bed. but do you ever get the feeling that you don't know who you are, or where you are? and everything at that particular moment seems unfamiliar and scary to you? and then i begin to cry. because i'm not in my comfort zone. i don't recognize my room or where i am in that matter and it frightens me. this doesn't happen often, but sure it does happen. and after my short-lived sob attack from then on i begin to question everything about life. why i'm here, where i'm going, is it worth it, am i going to make it, how am i going to get through future occurences? the weird thing is, one of the most frightening aspects of life, i find, is aging. i get so unnerved about getting older, and i know this sounds ridiculous and i know i have awhile to go but in comparison the years seem to go by very fast. in any case i soon fall asleep, only to wake up after what seems to feel like two hours, then get ready as fast as i can to go to school. in which i get more stressed at school because nor do i like anyone but a few people there, but the work is so hard. who i really am is beginning to come through, unlike before, thank God. anyhow, i find that i always have to ask myself who i am. and sometimes im not even sure. and not having that many people like me around isn't helping. the other day i got threatened on being sent to armenia this summer instead of california. in which i almost would have given my parents the finger and asked them if they were shitting me. unforunately that would have resulted in major grounding punishment and severe consequential actions that i do not wish to partake in. if think i would die if i couldn't go to california this summer. truly, and i am not being a drama queen. i could care less about going to armenia right now, and all i want to do is see my family in california. what's so hard to understand about that? it's dumb enough not living there in the first place (SCREW YOU CALIFORNIAN ECONOMY). and i beg to differ. i also want to go to school tomorrow, as bizarre as it sounds. im scared for my life on my grades. it's not that i've slipped, but everything is getting so much more tedious and difficult to a point where i'm beginning to feel overworked. give me a break. no homework on weekends, and i second and third and fourth that motion. AND how can i be so oblivious to the weather, as to wear my birkenstocks on a day it was snowing?! and risk ruining them, when i could have worn my boots. and i'm beginning to think that was a malapropism but hell if i know, much less care at the moment as i am writing to you as every thought enters my mind. not being out of the house all day has emotionally and physically drained my body out of the depths of my tears. what? why am i babbling? if you didn't/don't read all of this, i totally understand. i lost track of writing.
yours truly
yours truly