ATTN:Representative Needed
To whom it may concern:
I have reviewed your offer and must conclude that, while intrigued, I find myself put off by your unconventional phraseology. Therefore, I must decline your offer at this time. However, should you choose to revise based on suggestions below, please feel free to resubmit.
Regards,
Wilberforce Wilson III, CEO
Wilson & Sons Investment, Inc.
-----Original Message-----
From: Madalas Group Of Company Ltd.
Sent: Wednesday, May 09, 2007 5:24 PM
Subject: ATTN:Representative Needed
Dear Recipient,
I am Mr. Oscar Williams, we are a Group of Business Men who deal on Raw Materials e.g. cocoa, rubber etc and some ancient art works, we export them into Canada and America. We are searching for Representatives who can help us establish a Medium of getting to our costumers over there as well as making Payments through you to us and earn 10% of every payment made through you to us.
Subject to your satisfaction you will be given the Opportunity to negotiate your mode of which we will pay for your services as our representative. If you are interested, please fill in the blank spaces below:
Thanks
General Manager;
Madalas Group Of Company Ltd .
YOUR LETTER WITH SUGGESTIONS IN BRACKETS:
Dear Recipient [oxymoron; use of 'dear' implies familiarity while 'recipient' implies the opposite sentiment; may I suggest 'To whom it may concern?'],
I am Mr. Oscar Williams, we are [royalty refer to themselves in the first person plural - Oscar, you represent a business; would suggest simply 'I represent'] a Group of Business Men [capitalization trite and unnecessary - please review rules of capitalization in written English; also, men only? I do have EEOC, domestic partner benefit and diversity requirements that may need to be addressed before signing any contracts with your business - just be aware of that] who deal on [in? I understand what you are trying to say but I have a visual of you actually conducting business on a large pile of 'raw materials'] Raw Materials e.g. cocoa, rubber etc and some ancient art works [please elaborate; legality issues?], we export them into [to; EXport implies into] Canada and America [the United States; unless you're referring to the entire Western Hemisphere]. We are searching for Representatives [cap!] who can [I don't like the use of 'can' here; just say 'to'] help us establish a Medium [awkward; establish a 'means'?] of getting to ['reaching' rather than 'getting to' may be more colloquial - implies a broader range of action required] our costumers [ha! spelling sir! are you being costumed? by context I'm assuming you mean CUSTOMERS] over there [where? here? your place? be specific] as well as making Payments [caps :)] through you [awkward; nothing will actually be passing through me will it? be clear] to us [are you a queen? suggest 'our business'] and earn 10% of every payment made through you [again, will the funds physically pass 'through me', no! - awkward - rephrase] to us [you are very trusting indeed - what if I choose to abscond with 100% of the funds - protect yourself and elaborate on how our mutual interests will be guaranteed; also 'us' again :)].
Subject to your satisfaction [I like this!] you will be given the Opportunity [cap] to negotiate your mode of which we will pay [awk! just say 'the method of payment' sometimes simply saying what you mean is the best way to communicate an idea] for your services as our [We are not amused!] representative. If you are interested, please fill in the blank spaces below [suggest 'complete and return the information below'] [End strong, add a brief positive closing sentiment, such as 'I look forward to hearing from you!'] :
Thanks [Thanks is a bit informal for your serious offer; try 'Sincerely' or 'Respectfully'???]
General Manager; [Insert your name: Oscar Williams]
Madalas Group Of Company Ltd .
[Also, how about a street address and a phone number in case I need to reach you?]
I have reviewed your offer and must conclude that, while intrigued, I find myself put off by your unconventional phraseology. Therefore, I must decline your offer at this time. However, should you choose to revise based on suggestions below, please feel free to resubmit.
Regards,
Wilberforce Wilson III, CEO
Wilson & Sons Investment, Inc.
-----Original Message-----
From: Madalas Group Of Company Ltd.
Sent: Wednesday, May 09, 2007 5:24 PM
Subject: ATTN:Representative Needed
Dear Recipient,
I am Mr. Oscar Williams, we are a Group of Business Men who deal on Raw Materials e.g. cocoa, rubber etc and some ancient art works, we export them into Canada and America. We are searching for Representatives who can help us establish a Medium of getting to our costumers over there as well as making Payments through you to us and earn 10% of every payment made through you to us.
Subject to your satisfaction you will be given the Opportunity to negotiate your mode of which we will pay for your services as our representative. If you are interested, please fill in the blank spaces below:
Thanks
General Manager;
Madalas Group Of Company Ltd .
YOUR LETTER WITH SUGGESTIONS IN BRACKETS:
Dear Recipient [oxymoron; use of 'dear' implies familiarity while 'recipient' implies the opposite sentiment; may I suggest 'To whom it may concern?'],
I am Mr. Oscar Williams, we are [royalty refer to themselves in the first person plural - Oscar, you represent a business; would suggest simply 'I represent'] a Group of Business Men [capitalization trite and unnecessary - please review rules of capitalization in written English; also, men only? I do have EEOC, domestic partner benefit and diversity requirements that may need to be addressed before signing any contracts with your business - just be aware of that] who deal on [in? I understand what you are trying to say but I have a visual of you actually conducting business on a large pile of 'raw materials'] Raw Materials e.g. cocoa, rubber etc and some ancient art works [please elaborate; legality issues?], we export them into [to; EXport implies into] Canada and America [the United States; unless you're referring to the entire Western Hemisphere]. We are searching for Representatives [cap!] who can [I don't like the use of 'can' here; just say 'to'] help us establish a Medium [awkward; establish a 'means'?] of getting to ['reaching' rather than 'getting to' may be more colloquial - implies a broader range of action required] our costumers [ha! spelling sir! are you being costumed? by context I'm assuming you mean CUSTOMERS] over there [where? here? your place? be specific] as well as making Payments [caps :)] through you [awkward; nothing will actually be passing through me will it? be clear] to us [are you a queen? suggest 'our business'] and earn 10% of every payment made through you [again, will the funds physically pass 'through me', no! - awkward - rephrase] to us [you are very trusting indeed - what if I choose to abscond with 100% of the funds - protect yourself and elaborate on how our mutual interests will be guaranteed; also 'us' again :)].
Subject to your satisfaction [I like this!] you will be given the Opportunity [cap] to negotiate your mode of which we will pay [awk! just say 'the method of payment' sometimes simply saying what you mean is the best way to communicate an idea] for your services as our [We are not amused!] representative. If you are interested, please fill in the blank spaces below [suggest 'complete and return the information below'] [End strong, add a brief positive closing sentiment, such as 'I look forward to hearing from you!'] :
Thanks [Thanks is a bit informal for your serious offer; try 'Sincerely' or 'Respectfully'???]
General Manager; [Insert your name: Oscar Williams]
Madalas Group Of Company Ltd .
[Also, how about a street address and a phone number in case I need to reach you?]