.:I Need:.
- to grow up and get over myself. hah.
- a weekend, or longer, with my cousins, especially Mandy and Morgan
- to remember how old I am, and not how old I want to be.
- to remember who my real friends are
- to realize that I can't be best friends with everyone
- to accept the fact that some people aren't as amazing as I've built them up to be
- to allow myself to savor this year, and not act like it doesn't matter to me that it's my last time to be with some of the people I've known for twelve years
- stop pretending things in my life are going one way, when deep down I know I'm just fooling with myself.
- to start really working out again, not to loose weight, but to get my mood back up to par
- to turn all my clocks and phone and everything off and let myself go on a piece of blank paper
There are so many things I need to do for myself; the problem is motivation. (Jarrod, you'll love this little rant). I'm having a really hard time letting go of the past; both the distant and recent. I'm not going to sit here and act like I've been victimized or anything, because that's just pathetic. And hopefully I've moved past pathetic. I'm just tired of feeling ignored. I love being single; it's nice not stressing out about having a relationshp, about making him happy, or wondering if I'm really happy...yada yada yada...but at the same time, I'm lacking the security I have when I'm in some kind of relationship.
I guess this means I'm not as sure of being single as I thought I was. It's not the attention I need; not the commitment; not the constant "where-are-yous, what-are-you-doings, who-are-you-withs"; not the "couple status"; all that stuff. That is just the superficial mess that gets tagged to a relationship. I know that I've never been able to get the part I'm missing out of my past relationships mainly because I havn't allowed myself to fall in too deep emotionally or spiritially -- at all. I get scared, freak out, and end it before I lose part of myself. Unfortunately playing it safe has back- fired. Now, out of the several relationships I've been through, I still havn't learned how to share myself emotionally, spiritially, when one other person.
What this pointless rambling boils down to is I'm afraid that I will never learn to open myself up to love. I don't mean I want it now, or even I think I need it now. But I'm just at a point where I feel like I'm in a rut, and I can't get out of it. I don't know how to move on, grow up, grow wise. Acctually, I do. It involves receonnecting with a side of me that has been closed off for some time. My faith.