THIS CLOSE to a nervous breakdown
so......i am fairly certain that this entry will make absolutely no sense at all due to the fact that i can't even think clearly at this point. but here goes.....
last night was one of the shittiest night that i have had since...well i don't even know when. no, the past week has been that way, but we will only delve into last night for the time being. for any of you who know me, i am sure you know about beau, who is the guy that i am seeing(?). last night i was informed by an outside source that he is sleeping with other people..........which was news to me. this upset me far more then i ever thought it would. apparently i had fallen a lot harder for him then i even realized, which is not something i do very often, for this exact reason. i hate letting myself feel this shitty over a guy. let me pose this question.....at what point is it not okay for the guy you are dating to sleep with other people? do you have to sit down and have a heart to heart.....and make a serious committment?? or can it just be implied that you two are a together? i am by no means in a hurry to have a serious long-term relationship, but i would appreciate a little honosty.......and to not be jerked the fuck around. if all you want is sex....TELL ME!!! it is not a promise that i will be down for that, but at least i know what the circumstances are before i get emotionally envolved. and if you don't want to be my boyfriend.....THEN DON'T FUCKING ACT LIKE IT! don't hold my hand in public, don't run your fingers through my hair until i fall asleep, don't cup my face in your hands when you kiss me. because if you don't mean it then all that is going to do is fuck me up and make me even more bitter and cynical then i already am. i feel like a fool. and that is almost more upsetting to me then what is causing that. i hate to be made to look like a stupid bitch whos "boyfriend" is sleeping around. RRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRR!! which brings me to my next point......if you have a friend who is dating somebody, please refrain from refering to that somebody as their boyfriend/girlfriend until you friend has specifically told you that they are official. i had EVERYBODY around me calling beau my boyfriend, and me his girlfriend when we hadn't had that officiating conversation. even his roomates and closest friends. it lulled me into a false state of security, where i presumed that i was the only one. stupid me. i haven't even had a chance to talk to him about this yet, when he is the one who i need to talk to the most.....i am afraid.......i don't want to lose him, i haven't felt this stongly about somebody in a long time. it seemed perfect....for me. it was very laid back, mellow, no pressure........but beautiful at the same time. we have an amazing connection on many levels, which make me feel so confused. it makes me wonder if he is being the same way with these other girls. i have come to realize that almost nobody is who they make themselves out to be. if you feel that you really and truly know somebody, inside and out, then consider yourself lucky, and hang onto that person, whether it be a boyfriend/girlfriend type, or just a friend. i am tired of guessing. i am tired of wondering what the hell is going on in peoples heads. does anybody these days know what it is to be honost and straightfoward? i a lot of pain and confusion could be avoided if people stopped for a minute and thought about other people for a change. it is said that for evey action, there is a reaction. we all know this, yet we act without thinking what that reaction may be. i am by no means knocking impulisveness....for as you know i am very impulsive.....but i have to foresight to think about how what i am doing is going to affect other people. i may do it anyway, knowing that it could possibly have a negative affect on somebody, but am fully prepared to deal with that. i think that beau may have thought i wouldn't find out....or that i would and he didn't give a shit....or maybe he didn't even think about me at all. what the fuck am i going to do?!?!?!?!?............................................................................................................................................................and that was not even the end of it...............last night after i found all that shit out, i met up with mary at the satelite, and then took her keys to drive her truck home. her truck was parked in the fitzgerald's parking garage, which is charges you to park there. as i am traversing my way down the garage, i begin looking for my money (a $100 bill) to pay the gentleman at the booth. it is nowhere to be found. fuck me hard. i ripped through my purse and pockets and it is nowhere to be found. dude said "sorry, no dice" when i explained what had happened.....so i had to turn around and repark, and try to call somebody to come bring me money. mind you, by this time it was nearly 4:00 in the fucking morning. i eventually made it out of there and to marys house where i watched How to Deal (i love that movie!) and passed the fuck out. and now i am getting ready to go meet my friend grant for some delicious sushi, sake, and sapporo!!! hurray for friend to take your mind of the bullshit
last night was one of the shittiest night that i have had since...well i don't even know when. no, the past week has been that way, but we will only delve into last night for the time being. for any of you who know me, i am sure you know about beau, who is the guy that i am seeing(?). last night i was informed by an outside source that he is sleeping with other people..........which was news to me. this upset me far more then i ever thought it would. apparently i had fallen a lot harder for him then i even realized, which is not something i do very often, for this exact reason. i hate letting myself feel this shitty over a guy. let me pose this question.....at what point is it not okay for the guy you are dating to sleep with other people? do you have to sit down and have a heart to heart.....and make a serious committment?? or can it just be implied that you two are a together? i am by no means in a hurry to have a serious long-term relationship, but i would appreciate a little honosty.......and to not be jerked the fuck around. if all you want is sex....TELL ME!!! it is not a promise that i will be down for that, but at least i know what the circumstances are before i get emotionally envolved. and if you don't want to be my boyfriend.....THEN DON'T FUCKING ACT LIKE IT! don't hold my hand in public, don't run your fingers through my hair until i fall asleep, don't cup my face in your hands when you kiss me. because if you don't mean it then all that is going to do is fuck me up and make me even more bitter and cynical then i already am. i feel like a fool. and that is almost more upsetting to me then what is causing that. i hate to be made to look like a stupid bitch whos "boyfriend" is sleeping around. RRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRR!! which brings me to my next point......if you have a friend who is dating somebody, please refrain from refering to that somebody as their boyfriend/girlfriend until you friend has specifically told you that they are official. i had EVERYBODY around me calling beau my boyfriend, and me his girlfriend when we hadn't had that officiating conversation. even his roomates and closest friends. it lulled me into a false state of security, where i presumed that i was the only one. stupid me. i haven't even had a chance to talk to him about this yet, when he is the one who i need to talk to the most.....i am afraid.......i don't want to lose him, i haven't felt this stongly about somebody in a long time. it seemed perfect....for me. it was very laid back, mellow, no pressure........but beautiful at the same time. we have an amazing connection on many levels, which make me feel so confused. it makes me wonder if he is being the same way with these other girls. i have come to realize that almost nobody is who they make themselves out to be. if you feel that you really and truly know somebody, inside and out, then consider yourself lucky, and hang onto that person, whether it be a boyfriend/girlfriend type, or just a friend. i am tired of guessing. i am tired of wondering what the hell is going on in peoples heads. does anybody these days know what it is to be honost and straightfoward? i a lot of pain and confusion could be avoided if people stopped for a minute and thought about other people for a change. it is said that for evey action, there is a reaction. we all know this, yet we act without thinking what that reaction may be. i am by no means knocking impulisveness....for as you know i am very impulsive.....but i have to foresight to think about how what i am doing is going to affect other people. i may do it anyway, knowing that it could possibly have a negative affect on somebody, but am fully prepared to deal with that. i think that beau may have thought i wouldn't find out....or that i would and he didn't give a shit....or maybe he didn't even think about me at all. what the fuck am i going to do?!?!?!?!?............................................................................................................................................................and that was not even the end of it...............last night after i found all that shit out, i met up with mary at the satelite, and then took her keys to drive her truck home. her truck was parked in the fitzgerald's parking garage, which is charges you to park there. as i am traversing my way down the garage, i begin looking for my money (a $100 bill) to pay the gentleman at the booth. it is nowhere to be found. fuck me hard. i ripped through my purse and pockets and it is nowhere to be found. dude said "sorry, no dice" when i explained what had happened.....so i had to turn around and repark, and try to call somebody to come bring me money. mind you, by this time it was nearly 4:00 in the fucking morning. i eventually made it out of there and to marys house where i watched How to Deal (i love that movie!) and passed the fuck out. and now i am getting ready to go meet my friend grant for some delicious sushi, sake, and sapporo!!! hurray for friend to take your mind of the bullshit