#YesAllWomen
Because I’m grateful that I’ve only been catcalled a few times, and never followed or groped or anything worse. Because it makes me count myself lucky to have made it through twenty-three years unscathed to that degree. And there’s even a part of me that wonders why I haven’t, and worries it means I’m unattractive.
Because I'm grateful to live on a campus where I feel fairly comfortable walking alone at night. And nevertheless I habitually walk fast with my head down.
Because I'm grateful the guy who claimed I lead him on (and that it was therefore my fault he'd propositioned my best friend, whom he knew very well was not single and not looking and had trusted him as a friend) stopped at trying to guilt-trip me.
Because I’m grateful if I can turn down unwanted advances without saying I have a boyfriend (whether or not it happens to be true at the time).
Because a post on this journal about sex-positivity got me an anon comment of "What do you look like?" as if to say only attractive women should be allowed to be sexual or talking about sexuality was an invitation for complete strangers to hit on me, and it barely fazed me. After all, vitriol, rape threats, and death threats are to be expected as the price of admission if you want to express opinions on the internet while female, so I'm just grateful the only trolling I've gotten was as harmless as that.
Because early in high school, walking the hundred yards or so from the bus stop to my mother’s office, a group of guys on the street yelled after me, “You should wear a shorter skirt!”
Because when I ended one relationship, several of my male friends were clearly expecting it was “their turn now”.
Because I’ve joked with friends, in a “ha ha only serious” way, about the possibility of pretending to be dating them, because I feared the consequences of the guys in one of my social groups knowing I had become single.
Because if a girl likes a guy and he doesn’t return the interest, it’s considered her fault. And if a guy likes a girl and she doesn’t return the interest, it’s considered her fault.
Because the concept of the friendzone is a thing. There are people, and a lot of them, who seriously believe that if a guy is friends with a girl and she doesn’t repay the “favor” with sex/dating she’s doing him a great injustice.
Because schools, parents, and assorted other “moral guardians” tell teen and preteen girls not to wear less-covering clothes, no matter how hot it is, because it will be a temptation to boys, but don’t tell boys to take responsibility for controlling themselves or not to look a women as sex objects.
Because women’s bodies are constantly viewed as sexual, whether we want them to be or not.
Because “slut” and “whore” are used to attack women if they exercise their right to say yes, “tease” and “friendzoning” are used to attack women if they exercise their right to say no, and “bitch” is used to attack women if they dare to speak up about it.
Because there are still men who seriously believe women are less than human and don’t deserve rights.
Because no, it’s not all men, it’s not nearly all men. But it’s enough of them that we have to be wary to be safe, and it’s not like they have neon signs over their heads so we can tell which ones they are. And if we don’t live on the defensive and take every precaution we can, we’re told it’s our fault and we shouldn’t have been so careless. And if we trust the wrong men, let them into our lives and get comfortable with them and let down our guards around them and they take advantage, we’re told it’s our fault, we should have known better.
Because society still sends so many messages to women that our primary purposes in life should be looking attractive, getting a man, and having children.
Because if a women doesn’t put a lot of effort into her appearance or smile or appreciate catcalls and sexual advances, she’s stuck up, whiny, a bitch, a failure as a woman who is destined to die alone (which of course is the worst of all fates since a woman’s purpose in life is to find a man and make babies). And if a woman makes an effort to look good (and of course she’s been surrounded all her life by messages that her worth as a woman is directly correlated to her appearance, and even if she doesn't want to it's impossible not internalize that at least a little) and seeks or welcomes male attention, she’s shallow and a slut and is “asking for it”.
Because women are socialized to be deferential, to avoid saying "no" outright - then told it wasn’t really rape because they didn’t say “no” clearly enough.
Because reporting a rape often has worse consequences for the victim than for the rapist.
Because making rape jokes is more socially acceptable than talking about having been raped.
Because this and this have happened.
Because I’m talking about this, and lots of my friends are talking about it, and so many people - both women and male allies - all across the country are talking about it right now, and that’s amazing and so important. But at the same time, so many of us can’t even hope, are resigned to the likelihood that in days or weeks this will fade from media attention and public interest, and nothing will change.
Because I'm grateful to live on a campus where I feel fairly comfortable walking alone at night. And nevertheless I habitually walk fast with my head down.
Because I'm grateful the guy who claimed I lead him on (and that it was therefore my fault he'd propositioned my best friend, whom he knew very well was not single and not looking and had trusted him as a friend) stopped at trying to guilt-trip me.
Because I’m grateful if I can turn down unwanted advances without saying I have a boyfriend (whether or not it happens to be true at the time).
Because a post on this journal about sex-positivity got me an anon comment of "What do you look like?" as if to say only attractive women should be allowed to be sexual or talking about sexuality was an invitation for complete strangers to hit on me, and it barely fazed me. After all, vitriol, rape threats, and death threats are to be expected as the price of admission if you want to express opinions on the internet while female, so I'm just grateful the only trolling I've gotten was as harmless as that.
Because early in high school, walking the hundred yards or so from the bus stop to my mother’s office, a group of guys on the street yelled after me, “You should wear a shorter skirt!”
Because when I ended one relationship, several of my male friends were clearly expecting it was “their turn now”.
Because I’ve joked with friends, in a “ha ha only serious” way, about the possibility of pretending to be dating them, because I feared the consequences of the guys in one of my social groups knowing I had become single.
Because if a girl likes a guy and he doesn’t return the interest, it’s considered her fault. And if a guy likes a girl and she doesn’t return the interest, it’s considered her fault.
Because the concept of the friendzone is a thing. There are people, and a lot of them, who seriously believe that if a guy is friends with a girl and she doesn’t repay the “favor” with sex/dating she’s doing him a great injustice.
Because schools, parents, and assorted other “moral guardians” tell teen and preteen girls not to wear less-covering clothes, no matter how hot it is, because it will be a temptation to boys, but don’t tell boys to take responsibility for controlling themselves or not to look a women as sex objects.
Because women’s bodies are constantly viewed as sexual, whether we want them to be or not.
Because “slut” and “whore” are used to attack women if they exercise their right to say yes, “tease” and “friendzoning” are used to attack women if they exercise their right to say no, and “bitch” is used to attack women if they dare to speak up about it.
Because there are still men who seriously believe women are less than human and don’t deserve rights.
Because no, it’s not all men, it’s not nearly all men. But it’s enough of them that we have to be wary to be safe, and it’s not like they have neon signs over their heads so we can tell which ones they are. And if we don’t live on the defensive and take every precaution we can, we’re told it’s our fault and we shouldn’t have been so careless. And if we trust the wrong men, let them into our lives and get comfortable with them and let down our guards around them and they take advantage, we’re told it’s our fault, we should have known better.
Because society still sends so many messages to women that our primary purposes in life should be looking attractive, getting a man, and having children.
Because if a women doesn’t put a lot of effort into her appearance or smile or appreciate catcalls and sexual advances, she’s stuck up, whiny, a bitch, a failure as a woman who is destined to die alone (which of course is the worst of all fates since a woman’s purpose in life is to find a man and make babies). And if a woman makes an effort to look good (and of course she’s been surrounded all her life by messages that her worth as a woman is directly correlated to her appearance, and even if she doesn't want to it's impossible not internalize that at least a little) and seeks or welcomes male attention, she’s shallow and a slut and is “asking for it”.
Because women are socialized to be deferential, to avoid saying "no" outright - then told it wasn’t really rape because they didn’t say “no” clearly enough.
Because reporting a rape often has worse consequences for the victim than for the rapist.
Because making rape jokes is more socially acceptable than talking about having been raped.
Because this and this have happened.
Because I’m talking about this, and lots of my friends are talking about it, and so many people - both women and male allies - all across the country are talking about it right now, and that’s amazing and so important. But at the same time, so many of us can’t even hope, are resigned to the likelihood that in days or weeks this will fade from media attention and public interest, and nothing will change.