Straight Men In Queer Spaces
This is a piece written by my friend Ingrid Fox, and she has given me permission to share it with others. I highly recommend reading it, because it's a highly coherent, fair, and straight-forward little essay about a classic queer/straight issue.
"DISCLAIMERS:
-this note is long and pretty long-winded, so i have bolded the main points
-i claim to speak only for myself and no one else
after a night out on saturday at the fab lounge, a gay club in washington dc, i posted the following as my facebook status:
"Dear Straight Guys, Please STOP coming to gay bars/parties/events and hitting on women. We are NOT THERE TO MEET YOU. Sincerely, Ingrid (i'm wondering whether my new shirt should say "I'M GAY" or "BIG DYKE." thoughts?)"
after several comments on and conversations about this update, i have decided to elaborate on my thoughts.
first, i would like to make one thing clear: saturday night was just the last straw. it was by no means my first experience with the phenomenon of being hit on by guys at queer clubs. in fact, at virtually EVERY SINGLE queer place or event i go to, i get hit on by a guy. for details on what happened saturday night, see below.**
i have no problem with straight men per se. i.e., i do not take issue with straight people or men because they are straight or male, respectively. at the risk of echoing the “i have gay/black/insert-oppressed-group-here friends and therefore can’t be prejudiced” argument, i have known, admired, and yes, dated a number of straight men in my life, and fully recognize and appreciate their contributions to society in general and to my life personally.
my issues are the following.
straight men, along with other privileged groups (e.g. white people, wealthy people, etc.) tend to feel a sense of entitlement that accompanies their privilege. i am hardly the first or only person to point this out. for recommendations on some excellent resources on the topics of privilege/entitlement, feel free to comment here or contact me.
i have been coming to realize more and more that, for straight men, that sense of entitlement extends to queer spaces - especially female queer spaces. when i go to a queer club or event, i go for a reason. straight people are constantly asking why there is a “need” for pride celebrations. why we “need” to be so “in-your-face” about it. that need exists because that space doesn’t unless we create it for ourselves. i invite any straight person reading this to closely examine what it means to be a straight person living in a straight world, especially the fact that you never, ever have to think about it, and what a luxury that is.
i have no problem with straight people in queer spaces. during pride i commented that one of my favorite things to see at pride is opposite-sex affection (though of course this does not automatically mean heterosexuality), because it implies a straight respect for queerness, and that is something that is nice to see.
what i take issue with is disrespect.
first of all, as a straight man entering a queer female space, you must recognize that it is not your space. you get the privilege of having a recognized space on a daily basis in a place i like to call “the rest of the world.” if you are going to enter my queer female space, you must know first and foremost that it is not for you. it is not for your privilege. it is not for your entitlement. it can absolutely be for your enjoyment, but it is certainly not a spectacle for your entertainment.
when a straight man hits on a woman in a queer space, that is an automatic sign of disrespect to me. many queer women with a femme appearance, myself included, have to constantly deal with assumed heterosexuality, and one reason i go to queer clubs (besides the obvious one -- to meet other women) is to escape that assumption. (it’s true that this assumption comes with its own privilege, including the privilege of the choice of whether or not to be out, but it is still not an accurate assumption about who i am.)
when you as a straight man start hitting on me - i don’t just mean striking up conversation or being friendly, i mean hitting on, and i know you know the difference - you are bringing that assumed heterosexuality into my queer space, which is disrespectful. you are putting your privilege right in my face in the very place i have come to escape it.
if you have such a strong need to hit on women, go to a place where it is not implicit that they are not interested in you. if your goal is to take a woman home, then why don’t you go to a place where that is actually likely to happen?
so many people have asked me that question after i’ve told them about my recent experiences.
and i have an answer. i’ll tell you exactly why. because too many straight men, especially those that hit on women at lesbian bars, don’t believe in true or pure lesbianism. they don’t believe that women could possibly be disinterested in men. hence, by the way, the straight male fascination with lesbianism in the first place. i mean, sure, you say you’re a lesbian, but that’s really just for fun, right? like katy perry? if the right guy game along, you’d fuck him, right? and hey, how about a threesome?? of course, i, THE MAN, will be the main player…
(again, for resources on sexuality and power dynamics among genders, comment/contact me.)
caveat here - i do not identify as a lesbian. i do not exclusively date women. that is far from the point. straight guys need to wrap their heads around the fact that it is for ME, and all other women INDIVIDUALLY, to decide who want to have in our lives. for those women who do exclusively date women, this is their space for them to do that and not be bothered by the straight guys they have to see and acknowledge every day of their lives. for people like me, it is a place for me to seek refuge from one part of me being consistently acknowledged and encouraged while another is pushed aside, belittled, or altogether ignored.
this is not about man-hating. this is not about anyone-hating. this is entirely the opposite.
this. is. about. respect. period.
--------------------------------------------------
**what actually happened saturday night
Guy 1
guy 1 is dancing near me. i dance, smile, and have a good time. he tries to get me to sing along with a song i don't know. when i don't sing the words along with him, he grabs my face in an attempt to move my mouth to the words. i have to physically remove his hand from my face with my own hand.
he tries to dance with me. i tell him that i'm not dancing with guys tonight. he says, "really, why not??" the conversation continues like this for a few seconds, until he finally moves on, still bewildered at my disinterest in him.
Guy 2
cupid's shuffle starts playing, which i absolutely love, so i dance along with it. in the middle of the song guy 2 starts dancing with me from behind. not a big deal. at the end of the song, he thanks me for the dance, i smile and say no problem, and he introduces himself. i say nice to meet you, without telling him my name, and he starts to ask me questions, like if i've been here before. i tell him, you know what, i'm not really interested in guys. MY FAVORITE PART: he says, "i have nothing against that."
the response playing in my head: "i was not coming out to you, asshole, i was rejecting you."
Guy 3
it's pretty late by now so i am sitting in a chair drinking some water, resting for a bit. guy 3 comes up to me and asks me if i want to dance. i say no thanks. he asks if i want a drink. i say no thanks. he's a little persistent but eventually walks away. i like the next song that comes on so i get up to dance to it. he comes over to dance with me. i again tell him no, and that i'm not dancing with guys. shocked, he starts to argue with me, and ask me why not?? over and over again. i literally had to walk to the other side of the room before he would stop bothering me.
that, ladies, gentlemen, and everyone outside/in between, was my saturday night."
"DISCLAIMERS:
-this note is long and pretty long-winded, so i have bolded the main points
-i claim to speak only for myself and no one else
after a night out on saturday at the fab lounge, a gay club in washington dc, i posted the following as my facebook status:
"Dear Straight Guys, Please STOP coming to gay bars/parties/events and hitting on women. We are NOT THERE TO MEET YOU. Sincerely, Ingrid (i'm wondering whether my new shirt should say "I'M GAY" or "BIG DYKE." thoughts?)"
after several comments on and conversations about this update, i have decided to elaborate on my thoughts.
first, i would like to make one thing clear: saturday night was just the last straw. it was by no means my first experience with the phenomenon of being hit on by guys at queer clubs. in fact, at virtually EVERY SINGLE queer place or event i go to, i get hit on by a guy. for details on what happened saturday night, see below.**
i have no problem with straight men per se. i.e., i do not take issue with straight people or men because they are straight or male, respectively. at the risk of echoing the “i have gay/black/insert-oppressed-group-here friends and therefore can’t be prejudiced” argument, i have known, admired, and yes, dated a number of straight men in my life, and fully recognize and appreciate their contributions to society in general and to my life personally.
my issues are the following.
straight men, along with other privileged groups (e.g. white people, wealthy people, etc.) tend to feel a sense of entitlement that accompanies their privilege. i am hardly the first or only person to point this out. for recommendations on some excellent resources on the topics of privilege/entitlement, feel free to comment here or contact me.
i have been coming to realize more and more that, for straight men, that sense of entitlement extends to queer spaces - especially female queer spaces. when i go to a queer club or event, i go for a reason. straight people are constantly asking why there is a “need” for pride celebrations. why we “need” to be so “in-your-face” about it. that need exists because that space doesn’t unless we create it for ourselves. i invite any straight person reading this to closely examine what it means to be a straight person living in a straight world, especially the fact that you never, ever have to think about it, and what a luxury that is.
i have no problem with straight people in queer spaces. during pride i commented that one of my favorite things to see at pride is opposite-sex affection (though of course this does not automatically mean heterosexuality), because it implies a straight respect for queerness, and that is something that is nice to see.
what i take issue with is disrespect.
first of all, as a straight man entering a queer female space, you must recognize that it is not your space. you get the privilege of having a recognized space on a daily basis in a place i like to call “the rest of the world.” if you are going to enter my queer female space, you must know first and foremost that it is not for you. it is not for your privilege. it is not for your entitlement. it can absolutely be for your enjoyment, but it is certainly not a spectacle for your entertainment.
when a straight man hits on a woman in a queer space, that is an automatic sign of disrespect to me. many queer women with a femme appearance, myself included, have to constantly deal with assumed heterosexuality, and one reason i go to queer clubs (besides the obvious one -- to meet other women) is to escape that assumption. (it’s true that this assumption comes with its own privilege, including the privilege of the choice of whether or not to be out, but it is still not an accurate assumption about who i am.)
when you as a straight man start hitting on me - i don’t just mean striking up conversation or being friendly, i mean hitting on, and i know you know the difference - you are bringing that assumed heterosexuality into my queer space, which is disrespectful. you are putting your privilege right in my face in the very place i have come to escape it.
if you have such a strong need to hit on women, go to a place where it is not implicit that they are not interested in you. if your goal is to take a woman home, then why don’t you go to a place where that is actually likely to happen?
so many people have asked me that question after i’ve told them about my recent experiences.
and i have an answer. i’ll tell you exactly why. because too many straight men, especially those that hit on women at lesbian bars, don’t believe in true or pure lesbianism. they don’t believe that women could possibly be disinterested in men. hence, by the way, the straight male fascination with lesbianism in the first place. i mean, sure, you say you’re a lesbian, but that’s really just for fun, right? like katy perry? if the right guy game along, you’d fuck him, right? and hey, how about a threesome?? of course, i, THE MAN, will be the main player…
(again, for resources on sexuality and power dynamics among genders, comment/contact me.)
caveat here - i do not identify as a lesbian. i do not exclusively date women. that is far from the point. straight guys need to wrap their heads around the fact that it is for ME, and all other women INDIVIDUALLY, to decide who want to have in our lives. for those women who do exclusively date women, this is their space for them to do that and not be bothered by the straight guys they have to see and acknowledge every day of their lives. for people like me, it is a place for me to seek refuge from one part of me being consistently acknowledged and encouraged while another is pushed aside, belittled, or altogether ignored.
this is not about man-hating. this is not about anyone-hating. this is entirely the opposite.
this. is. about. respect. period.
--------------------------------------------------
**what actually happened saturday night
Guy 1
guy 1 is dancing near me. i dance, smile, and have a good time. he tries to get me to sing along with a song i don't know. when i don't sing the words along with him, he grabs my face in an attempt to move my mouth to the words. i have to physically remove his hand from my face with my own hand.
he tries to dance with me. i tell him that i'm not dancing with guys tonight. he says, "really, why not??" the conversation continues like this for a few seconds, until he finally moves on, still bewildered at my disinterest in him.
Guy 2
cupid's shuffle starts playing, which i absolutely love, so i dance along with it. in the middle of the song guy 2 starts dancing with me from behind. not a big deal. at the end of the song, he thanks me for the dance, i smile and say no problem, and he introduces himself. i say nice to meet you, without telling him my name, and he starts to ask me questions, like if i've been here before. i tell him, you know what, i'm not really interested in guys. MY FAVORITE PART: he says, "i have nothing against that."
the response playing in my head: "i was not coming out to you, asshole, i was rejecting you."
Guy 3
it's pretty late by now so i am sitting in a chair drinking some water, resting for a bit. guy 3 comes up to me and asks me if i want to dance. i say no thanks. he asks if i want a drink. i say no thanks. he's a little persistent but eventually walks away. i like the next song that comes on so i get up to dance to it. he comes over to dance with me. i again tell him no, and that i'm not dancing with guys. shocked, he starts to argue with me, and ask me why not?? over and over again. i literally had to walk to the other side of the room before he would stop bothering me.
that, ladies, gentlemen, and everyone outside/in between, was my saturday night."