Here Comes the Rain Again...
I thought that maybe my dad had actually grown a heart. I mean, he was the one who told me he didn't want to see me dead at 30, that nothing was too much in regards to my health, that he would help me out until I was healthy and back on my feet...
Apparently, that was subject to change without notice.
I went into treatment for 3 Months, for an Eating Disorder...most of you know that already. I gave up my job, and my home, to do this. My dad, claiming he couldn't afford to put me in an apartment after I left, dumped my mom and I into his vacant house in Dana Point, which he's trying to sell. I got a job, but it was in a Bakery, which just isn't good for me, so I quit it because I finally had placed my well being over a paycheck. My mom just finally got a job at a pet hospital, and was going to be trained to be a manager.
My dad last week sent us an email, saying we had the end of this month to get out.
My mom has been emailing him left and right, asking him to let us rent out the rooms, so at least I won't be on the street, and he's ignoring every single one.
I am about to be homeless, thanks to this man.
Tell me, what kind of man does this to his own kid, huh? What kind of fucked up, sick, heartless asshole are you if you purposely throw you own daughter into a corner and then put her out on the street?
The thought of losing Snowy and Sammy, the only things I have left....it's killing me. I'm crying all the time again, I feel the dark thoughts creeping back into my conciousness...I;m trying to hard not to binge, and I haven't, but each day that passes my head tells me that I am a worthless piece of crap, because if my dad is so eager to get rid of me, I must not have done anything right, that I must have failed...
And you know WHY he did this?
He saw me pour a glass of wine.
Mind you, I didn't drink it, and I WAS NOT IN TREATMENT FOR FUCKING ALCHOHOL!!! Of course, that means nothing to him....I should have known when HE NEVER CAME TO SEE ME while I was in treatment that he was planning to fuck me over. That's how the man works....if you don't have what he wants, or if you don't make him look good, he wants you gone...even if you're his own flesh and blood.
He doesn't even talk to Dawn now that she's married...I mean, how Vain can you be, huh?
I can't put into words the pain this one man has caused me. I lived with him for 4 fucking years, and that entire time he was in relapse, and yet I loved him and never judged him. I could have gone back to my mom, but I stayed because I WANTED HIM TO SEE I FUCKING CARED ABOUT HIM! I wanted my daddy to love me, was that such a bad thing?
He's never apologized to me for the hell he put me through. Instead, he's made it his mission apparently to make sure I feel like a complete and total failure and punish me any chance he gets....which is a lot, because my disease would creat self-destruction because it knew my dad would feed it the horrible thoughts needed to create the miserable reality I lived in.
I finally break free of it, and my dad insists on putting me right back into it.
I'm so scared, you guys. What do I do? Where do I go? A girl I've never met but know online has offered to let me live with her, but I'd be 3 1/2 hours away from any friends and isolation is my diseases' 1 tool...
I don't understand...why does my dad hate me so much?
And now I'm crying again. Great.
He has cut me so deep, the pain is something I don't think I can ever put into words....he was my first, and greatest, heartbreak. All I ever wanted was for my dad to love me and want me to make it in this world...and to know that this is something I will never get, no matter how hard I try, kills me.
I don't know what he expected me to accomplish in only 3 months...I mean, I dropped 70 pounds, and have dropped 28 more since leaving...I learned about the disease that had controlled my mind, and how to fight it...at the end of this month I will clean from binge eating for 6 months, and I will have not drank in that same amount of time, though Alchohol I CHOOSE not to drink, because I don't want to risk cross-addiction, not because I had a problem with it....in fact, it was because I DID EVERYTHING IN MY POWER NOT TO BECOME AN ALCHOHOLIC THAT I BECAME AN OVEREATER.
But again, none of that matters. He decided I had started drinking though he didn't even ask my mom WHO WAS SITTING RIGHT THERE who the glass was for, and now I will become homeless and lose my only happiness left, my Snowy and my Sammy, because he could care less if I vanish and become another homeless person roaming the streets, because then I'd be out of his hair.
And to think I actually believed him when he said he didn't want to see me dead by 30.
At this rate, I'll be dead by 29 if I'm lucky and don't take myself out before then.
Someone help me, please......I'm drowning again, and I don't want to. I don't want to feel this way again. PLEASE, someone tell me this will work out....I don't want to lose my babies, and I dont' want to hurt like this again....PLEASE help me..
Apparently, that was subject to change without notice.
I went into treatment for 3 Months, for an Eating Disorder...most of you know that already. I gave up my job, and my home, to do this. My dad, claiming he couldn't afford to put me in an apartment after I left, dumped my mom and I into his vacant house in Dana Point, which he's trying to sell. I got a job, but it was in a Bakery, which just isn't good for me, so I quit it because I finally had placed my well being over a paycheck. My mom just finally got a job at a pet hospital, and was going to be trained to be a manager.
My dad last week sent us an email, saying we had the end of this month to get out.
My mom has been emailing him left and right, asking him to let us rent out the rooms, so at least I won't be on the street, and he's ignoring every single one.
I am about to be homeless, thanks to this man.
Tell me, what kind of man does this to his own kid, huh? What kind of fucked up, sick, heartless asshole are you if you purposely throw you own daughter into a corner and then put her out on the street?
The thought of losing Snowy and Sammy, the only things I have left....it's killing me. I'm crying all the time again, I feel the dark thoughts creeping back into my conciousness...I;m trying to hard not to binge, and I haven't, but each day that passes my head tells me that I am a worthless piece of crap, because if my dad is so eager to get rid of me, I must not have done anything right, that I must have failed...
And you know WHY he did this?
He saw me pour a glass of wine.
Mind you, I didn't drink it, and I WAS NOT IN TREATMENT FOR FUCKING ALCHOHOL!!! Of course, that means nothing to him....I should have known when HE NEVER CAME TO SEE ME while I was in treatment that he was planning to fuck me over. That's how the man works....if you don't have what he wants, or if you don't make him look good, he wants you gone...even if you're his own flesh and blood.
He doesn't even talk to Dawn now that she's married...I mean, how Vain can you be, huh?
I can't put into words the pain this one man has caused me. I lived with him for 4 fucking years, and that entire time he was in relapse, and yet I loved him and never judged him. I could have gone back to my mom, but I stayed because I WANTED HIM TO SEE I FUCKING CARED ABOUT HIM! I wanted my daddy to love me, was that such a bad thing?
He's never apologized to me for the hell he put me through. Instead, he's made it his mission apparently to make sure I feel like a complete and total failure and punish me any chance he gets....which is a lot, because my disease would creat self-destruction because it knew my dad would feed it the horrible thoughts needed to create the miserable reality I lived in.
I finally break free of it, and my dad insists on putting me right back into it.
I'm so scared, you guys. What do I do? Where do I go? A girl I've never met but know online has offered to let me live with her, but I'd be 3 1/2 hours away from any friends and isolation is my diseases' 1 tool...
I don't understand...why does my dad hate me so much?
And now I'm crying again. Great.
He has cut me so deep, the pain is something I don't think I can ever put into words....he was my first, and greatest, heartbreak. All I ever wanted was for my dad to love me and want me to make it in this world...and to know that this is something I will never get, no matter how hard I try, kills me.
I don't know what he expected me to accomplish in only 3 months...I mean, I dropped 70 pounds, and have dropped 28 more since leaving...I learned about the disease that had controlled my mind, and how to fight it...at the end of this month I will clean from binge eating for 6 months, and I will have not drank in that same amount of time, though Alchohol I CHOOSE not to drink, because I don't want to risk cross-addiction, not because I had a problem with it....in fact, it was because I DID EVERYTHING IN MY POWER NOT TO BECOME AN ALCHOHOLIC THAT I BECAME AN OVEREATER.
But again, none of that matters. He decided I had started drinking though he didn't even ask my mom WHO WAS SITTING RIGHT THERE who the glass was for, and now I will become homeless and lose my only happiness left, my Snowy and my Sammy, because he could care less if I vanish and become another homeless person roaming the streets, because then I'd be out of his hair.
And to think I actually believed him when he said he didn't want to see me dead by 30.
At this rate, I'll be dead by 29 if I'm lucky and don't take myself out before then.
Someone help me, please......I'm drowning again, and I don't want to. I don't want to feel this way again. PLEASE, someone tell me this will work out....I don't want to lose my babies, and I dont' want to hurt like this again....PLEASE help me..