Grumble Grumble
Miranda mentioned me in another lie-infused sap-fest on her myspace. John and I were in a long distance relationship, but it was me who broke it off, not him. But no, of course she's not going to tell the truth, that would expose that I am the reason she and him got together, and who the hell would wanna do that right? Who in their right mind would want the world to think for even a second I'm a Good person? Because apparently I've been wrong about that my entire existence thus far, it seems to the rest of the world I'm nothing more than a cruel, heartless BITCH.
Emily is the only TT person who talks to me anymore. Abbey I know is busy with RL stuff, but the rest have shunned me like I am a leper or someone who has committed a horrendous sin. I apologized for blowing up the way I had, and I acknowledged that I shouldn't have allowed the stress and issues from my RL to affect my behavior online...and yet, none of them seem to care. I mean even the one I thought really, truly cared for me and saw who I really was doesn't think she can forgive me for it...I get that I acted childishly, but seriously? You can't forgive me? I thought you of all of them were a real friend, like Abbey is..to be honest, I thought all of them knew the person I was isn't the behavior I showed...I thought they knew me for me, not for my bouts of insecurities and fears...I don't know, I feel betrayed somehow by this. It hurts, it really does...I don't know why it hurts so much, but it does. I miss them, all of them...I miss talking to them, I miss the chats, I miss the friendship...I miss when they were my friends and considered me good enough to associate with.
Real Life has been a downward spiral since last year, and it's only getting worse. I can't find a second job, my hours at my first job are so up and down it's almost impossible to even try and get a second job, and yet I'm still not making nearly as much as I had, and now all my bills are past due and I don't know how I'm going to pay them all. On top of that, my baby fang broke in the center so now it's really loose but it won't come out, and it's dropped to the point where I can't even eat, and I have no way of paying the dentist to get it out. AND, to top it all off, My dad's divorce is back on, so now if I want the surgery I need to lose the weight I will have to move to Georgia or, if my dad allows it, Missouri. Ternie said if I really want to she can turn her basement into a place for me and my cats to live, and my mom and her husband and their gazillion animals will take me in even though that will make my allergies go on constant attack...but I'm scared. My life may be painful, and hard, and filled with nothing but sadness and loneliness and hurt and pain...but it's the only life I know. And at least here I have Jen and Christina...Jen is moving to Vegas soon, but she's still only a few hours away...I'm too scared to pick up and leave everything behind, including them. No matter what has happened, those two have been here for me...Ternie has too, so I know I'd do well with her and her family...but to start over and not know if the end result will be any better than it is here frightens me. What if I go and I still am single, depressed, lonely and struggling to make ends meet in two years? The only difference would be I'm thinner, but that doesn't guarantee life will become any better.
I'm tired of missing people. I'm tired of wishing I could go back in time, back to when I had all these amazing friends both in real life and online, when my life had something that made everything else worth tolerating.
I wonder if the day will ever come when my journal entries will be happy. I wonder if the day will ever come that I feel joy, something I've long since forgotten what it's like. Most of all, I wonder if the day will ever come when I can just accept things for what they are, be at peace with myself and instead of seeing darkness in my soul, see the sunlight that should have been there all along.
Emily is the only TT person who talks to me anymore. Abbey I know is busy with RL stuff, but the rest have shunned me like I am a leper or someone who has committed a horrendous sin. I apologized for blowing up the way I had, and I acknowledged that I shouldn't have allowed the stress and issues from my RL to affect my behavior online...and yet, none of them seem to care. I mean even the one I thought really, truly cared for me and saw who I really was doesn't think she can forgive me for it...I get that I acted childishly, but seriously? You can't forgive me? I thought you of all of them were a real friend, like Abbey is..to be honest, I thought all of them knew the person I was isn't the behavior I showed...I thought they knew me for me, not for my bouts of insecurities and fears...I don't know, I feel betrayed somehow by this. It hurts, it really does...I don't know why it hurts so much, but it does. I miss them, all of them...I miss talking to them, I miss the chats, I miss the friendship...I miss when they were my friends and considered me good enough to associate with.
Real Life has been a downward spiral since last year, and it's only getting worse. I can't find a second job, my hours at my first job are so up and down it's almost impossible to even try and get a second job, and yet I'm still not making nearly as much as I had, and now all my bills are past due and I don't know how I'm going to pay them all. On top of that, my baby fang broke in the center so now it's really loose but it won't come out, and it's dropped to the point where I can't even eat, and I have no way of paying the dentist to get it out. AND, to top it all off, My dad's divorce is back on, so now if I want the surgery I need to lose the weight I will have to move to Georgia or, if my dad allows it, Missouri. Ternie said if I really want to she can turn her basement into a place for me and my cats to live, and my mom and her husband and their gazillion animals will take me in even though that will make my allergies go on constant attack...but I'm scared. My life may be painful, and hard, and filled with nothing but sadness and loneliness and hurt and pain...but it's the only life I know. And at least here I have Jen and Christina...Jen is moving to Vegas soon, but she's still only a few hours away...I'm too scared to pick up and leave everything behind, including them. No matter what has happened, those two have been here for me...Ternie has too, so I know I'd do well with her and her family...but to start over and not know if the end result will be any better than it is here frightens me. What if I go and I still am single, depressed, lonely and struggling to make ends meet in two years? The only difference would be I'm thinner, but that doesn't guarantee life will become any better.
I'm tired of missing people. I'm tired of wishing I could go back in time, back to when I had all these amazing friends both in real life and online, when my life had something that made everything else worth tolerating.
I wonder if the day will ever come when my journal entries will be happy. I wonder if the day will ever come that I feel joy, something I've long since forgotten what it's like. Most of all, I wonder if the day will ever come when I can just accept things for what they are, be at peace with myself and instead of seeing darkness in my soul, see the sunlight that should have been there all along.