(no subject)
Today was a very hard day for me emotionally. I kept feeling sad about grandma and then I broke down in Ms. Kendrick's office. She let me hang out in there today and I ended up sleeping in there. I also felt sad about being away from my family. It's funny, I'm only about 45 minutes away, but it feels like an eternity. I think it's because my mom can't come get me right now, since she can't drive for two weeks.
I never thought I would have this much guilt over not going to see Grandma much in her last years, but I do and I wish with all my heart that I could change it. I hardly ever went to see her and she asked for me all that time. She asked for me and asked where I was! Now, it's not all my fault that I didn't go see her, after all, my dad and I hadn't been on good terms from 2005-2007, but I should have gone and seen her. Now I will never get that chance and it tears me up inside. I'm crying right now as I write this....
At least I'm on good terms with my dad. That's the best christmas present I could ever ask for.
And I'm also sad over my Stephanie. I hate that she's hurting, that she has to go home to an empty house each night. I hate that she sleeps alone and that her beloved is gone forever. We hung out last night and had a good time, but she told me that she hopes to never remarry. That greatly disturbs me and I have committed to pray that God changes her heart. I want so greatly to see her happy again, and I would do anything to bring Aaron back to her arms. She thinks that remarrying would be cheating on him, and that she will see him in the afterlife and he will be her husband then, or something like that. I am happy I got to hang out with her and I am thankful she is my best friend. I have made another commitment, and that's to keep my feelings for her in check and healthy. As a teenager and younger adult so much of my feeling for her was unhealthy and consuming. I apoligized to her last night about all of that and about my jealousy over Aaron, and she accepted my apology.
I am also worried about my mom. She didn't want me to go back yesterday because she was still sick from her surgery and needed my help and of course, I went back. I feel guilty over that. Oh...so guilty. I worry about the cancer, that it could take her, that I could lose her from it. I also worry that the chemo is going to make her sick. And, I feel guilty for being angry with her. My biggest fear is having to quit Job Corps, Tulsa Oratorio Chorus, and Celebrate Recovery in order to stay home with her and I don't want to do that. Celebrate Recovery and TOC are two of the most wonderful things in my life and they enrich my life greatly.
Well this is all of my rambling for now. I have to go make my bed.
I never thought I would have this much guilt over not going to see Grandma much in her last years, but I do and I wish with all my heart that I could change it. I hardly ever went to see her and she asked for me all that time. She asked for me and asked where I was! Now, it's not all my fault that I didn't go see her, after all, my dad and I hadn't been on good terms from 2005-2007, but I should have gone and seen her. Now I will never get that chance and it tears me up inside. I'm crying right now as I write this....
At least I'm on good terms with my dad. That's the best christmas present I could ever ask for.
And I'm also sad over my Stephanie. I hate that she's hurting, that she has to go home to an empty house each night. I hate that she sleeps alone and that her beloved is gone forever. We hung out last night and had a good time, but she told me that she hopes to never remarry. That greatly disturbs me and I have committed to pray that God changes her heart. I want so greatly to see her happy again, and I would do anything to bring Aaron back to her arms. She thinks that remarrying would be cheating on him, and that she will see him in the afterlife and he will be her husband then, or something like that. I am happy I got to hang out with her and I am thankful she is my best friend. I have made another commitment, and that's to keep my feelings for her in check and healthy. As a teenager and younger adult so much of my feeling for her was unhealthy and consuming. I apoligized to her last night about all of that and about my jealousy over Aaron, and she accepted my apology.
I am also worried about my mom. She didn't want me to go back yesterday because she was still sick from her surgery and needed my help and of course, I went back. I feel guilty over that. Oh...so guilty. I worry about the cancer, that it could take her, that I could lose her from it. I also worry that the chemo is going to make her sick. And, I feel guilty for being angry with her. My biggest fear is having to quit Job Corps, Tulsa Oratorio Chorus, and Celebrate Recovery in order to stay home with her and I don't want to do that. Celebrate Recovery and TOC are two of the most wonderful things in my life and they enrich my life greatly.
Well this is all of my rambling for now. I have to go make my bed.