Do What They Can {Part 1/6}

Jul 10, 2012 15:34

Title: Do What They Can
Author: calc_broadway
Art: Here
Artist: akelly318
Pairings/Characters: Kurtofsky, brief Klaine, mentioned Azimio/Quinn
Rating: M
Word Count: ~18k
Warnings: Mental Illnesses including depression and schizophrenia, graphic description of self-harm, attempted suicide
Disclaimer: I don't own anything. I just do this for the kicks and giggles.
Summary: AU dark!future!fic. Dave checks himself in to a psychiatric unit when his depression escalates. Kurt has been in and out of them since his mother died. Can they find happiness with each other or is a happy ending really just for the movies?
Acknowledgement: Huge thanks are due to Panda ( akelly318/ pandacolfer) for choosing to do art for this. I've always been a HUGE fan of yours so having you claim this scared the shit out of me. And what she came up with is so amazing and captures all the emotions I tried to in my writing. ;-; Thank you so much! Also, thanks to Ashley for listening to me whine about this and always being willing to help me out when I got stuck and for being a hopeless romantic. Of course, this wouldn't have been possible without two of the best betas ever - Kat ( wanderlustlights) and Michelle (who is not involved in this fandom at all but who beta'd the last half of this on Monday night).
A/N: I had a fantastic time writing this (Read: I spent nights sobbing while my fingers bled from trying to type) and I hope you enjoy reading it. Until next year!



Part 1

The building wasn’t anything like Dave expected. It wasn’t made of brick and there were no cobwebs in the windows or unexplainable flickering lights. The plants weren’t old trees with moss hanging to create dark shadows where monsters lurked. In fact, the whole place looked rather unremarkable. The white washed building was clean and the landscaping was almost boring with the complete lack of color. The parking lot was full, but Dave guided his car into one of the three empty spots labeled for guests. He hesitated before turning off the ignition.

It was only the promise he’d made to Dr. Hensley that kept him from putting the car in reverse and driving back to his crappy apartment and picking back up with his boring, safe, pathetic life. His graduation tassels were hanging on his dashboard, signifying his position in the top 10% of his class. There was an opened letter from Moritz College of Law, welcoming him to the fall class and an unopened one from Harvard law of the same size. A handful of other envelopes were scattered around, mixed with fast food bags and dirty laundry that he didn’t really remember why he had. Despite the promise he made to himself as he got out of the car, he knew that he wasn’t actually going to clean it when he got home.

The entry hall reminded Dave of the hospital where he’d gotten his appendix taken out. There were pastel paintings hanging on the wall and potted plants - all green - trying to add a semblance of life to the sterile environment. Even the woman behind the desk looked half asleep as she moved a stack of files from one desk to another and then blinked up at Dave. After the brief moment it took for her to realize who he was, she plastered a smile to her face and stood up with an energy that had been absent while he was watching her unnoticed.

“Hello there. You must be Mr. Karofsky?” Without waiting for an answer, she pressed a buzzer and spoke into an intercom in a voice too low for him to catch. “Doctor Chesse will be right up to show you around. We’re pleased you decided to come to Harmon Psychiatric Hospital. I’m sure y-”

“Uh…Dave.” He said, head still reeling from the speed with which she was spouting off information. When she realized he had said something, she paused in her tirade to acknowledge it with an obnoxious smile and a clicking of her tongue that made his teeth grate. He let it slide; deciding that reminding her he wasn’t a five year-old child was not worth the effort it would take. It didn’t matter anyway because before he could even open his mouth to say anything, she was off again, giving great detail about a new chef and state of the art nutrition program.

“I’ll take it from here, Karen.” The man who walked up looked too young to be a doctor. In fact, he looked like someone Dave would pick up at a club, if the doctor had been single or gay, neither of which he was, judging by the wedding band on his finger and the fact that same-sex marriage was still illegal in Ohio.

Not that Dave was living that lifestyle anymore. He’d given that up after his dad threatened to cut off his monthly checks. It hadn’t been the threat that instigated the change, but the realization that no matter how many men he slept with the empty feeling still refused to go away. If he closed his eyes, he could still feel the pulsing music in his bones and the warmth of someone’s hands on his skin. For a brief moment, he wished he was back at Club Green and not at Harmon entrusting his mental wellbeing to someone less than five years out of med school.

“If you’ll just follow me, Mr. Karofsky, I’ll show you around the facilities.” Dave didn’t bother correcting about his name, falling in to step beside the shorter man as they walked through a door labeled ‘Staff Only.’

“Harmon Psychiatric Hospital was founded in 1988 by Dr. Todd D. Harmon. Since it opened there have been over 20,000 patients rehabilitated. We have the facilities to accommodate up to twenty-two at one time. There are eight psychiatrists on the pay roll and at least two in their offices at all times. Every patient is assigned their own psychiatrist while in residence, but should there be an emergency any of us will be glad to talk to you. Aside from psychiatrists, we also employ several medical doctors who perform physicals on every patient entering the program and who are always on call, should the need arise.

“Do you have any questions before we begin the tour?” Dave blinked, unaware that the tour hadn’t started. The hallways they’d walked through had been empty and the door they stopped at had a key pad and an alarm, obviously indicating the start of the hospital where the patients were kept. A few questions drifted to the front of his mind, but most of them were sarcastic and none of them were important so he just shrugged.

“Not really.”

“Well, David - if I may call you that -“ Dave just nodded, “I want you to feel free to speak your mind, okay? There really is no such thing as a stupid question.” He held eye contact with Dave for a minute, making Dave feel like he was in elementary school again. Despite the overused adage, Dave made no attempt to ask a question and eventually a pin was entered and the light switched from red to green as the door opened for them to pass through.

“This is the activities room.” Doctor Chasse lifted an arm as if there was any chance Dave would overlook the massive room they stood in. It was divided into four separate areas. One quarter held a surprisingly new looking television with several individual arm chairs forming a semi circle around it. The second held easels resting against the wall and boxes of what Dave could only assume were paint. A third area was obviously for physical exercise with a single treadmill and some yoga mats rolled up and lying in a pyramid. The last held a bookshelf and several bean bags, but before Dave could see more than that, Doctor Chasse was walking across the room and into another hallway.

“This hallway holds the rooms where you’ll be split into groups of six to ten for group time. Twice a day you will meet with the group to set your goals and review them. It helps give a sense of purpose and making them as a group gives you a support system to hold you accountable.” Dave nodded, thinking of his already abandoned promise to clean his car, only the most recent in a long list of small chores he couldn’t even make himself accomplish. As much as he hated to admit it, the stay in Harmon might actually be a good thing.

“We’re just going to take a peek into the cafeteria. It’s lunch time now so everyone is eating. We’ve got a new nutritionist who will meet with you in the first week and set up a meal plan for you…” Doctor Chasse’s words drifted off, masked by the sounds of people talking as the door to the cafeteria opened.

The room itself was unremarkable. It could have been any public school cafeteria with white tables and plastic chairs that were never comfortable no matter how long you sat in them. His eyes took that in quickly and then moved on to observing the people. For the most part they looked completely ordinary. There were obvious friendships with most groups consisting of three or four people sitting at tables by themselves.

The only exception was a group of a dozen or so with three tables pulled close in the center of the room. And at the center of the group was a boy who was being reluctantly dragged to his feet at the urging of those closest to him. Dave was too far away to catch a name, but he did hear them asking him to sing. From the folding of his shoulders he was obviously averse to the idea, but eventually he let himself be coaxed into standing.

Until then his face was hidden from Dave. As soon as he was on his feet it was like a magnet was drawing their gazes together. Dave’s first impression was that he knew the boy on the other side of the room, but then he realized that was impossible; he would remember someone that beautiful. Still, there was a familiarity that buzzed around Dave’s mind, teasing him by remaining just out of reach. There was a name right on the tip of his tongue. He pushed that annoyance aside and just focused on the boy, memorizing his features to recall later.

He was undeniably the most beautiful boy Dave had ever seen. His features were all harsh angles that somehow combined to a soft whole. Even as Dave looked the set of his jaw clenched and his eyebrows furrowed as if deep in thought. He could tell from all the way across the room that they were eyes he could get lost in - all deep blues and greens like the ocean.

The longer he looked, the more imperfections he could see. There were deep shadows under those beautiful eyes that could rival Dave’s own. The strong features were perhaps just a little gaunter than they could have been and the full meal still sitting on his plate told the reason for that. But perhaps the most telling thing was the way the smile that took over his face when he looked away from Dave never quite touched his eyes.

“Sing ‘Defying Gravity’ today, Kurt!”

“No, he just sang that last week. Sing -“

“Shut up! Wha-“

“’Defying Gravity’ is timele-“

Dave couldn’t make out the boy’s voice through the mess, but he did catch a name - Kurt. He frowned, searching through his memory for some spark of recognition. High school, perhaps? But Dave had been so caught up in his own turmoil during high school to remember much of anyone else outside his immediate radar.

He still hated who his high school self had been. The nicest way to put it was to say he had been a bully. Some of the things he had done still made him cringe. At his lowest, he’d actually locked someone in a dumpster all weekend. The boy’s friends had rescued him, but Dave hadn’t known that until Monday morning. Even his lesser crimes weren’t innocent; slushies in faces, body slamming into lockers. He and his friends had ruled the school starting sophomore year when the quarterback, Finn Hudson, had joined the glee club. With half a decade out of there, he realized it was his way of taking out his own insecurities without actually facing them.

“I think we’ll be able to catch Doctor Bell in her office. She specializes in depression cases and I think you two will get along very well.” Doctor Chasse’s voice was jarring but it was the silent click of the door as it closed that shocked Dave out of his trip down memory lane.

To Dave’s eternal relief, Doctor Bell was not in her office. He tried not to let it show how little he wanted to meet her, but he was sure the questioning look in Doctor Chasse’s face would result in a red mark on Dave’s file. It wasn’t that he didn’t want to meet her, just that the effort it would take to put on the show of ‘depressed but determined to get better’ would be too much for him to sustain after feigning interest in the tour.

On the way back to the main lobby, they popped outside to a small garden devoid of anything except grass and trees and one square of well kept flowers that was where the patients were allowed outside for a few hours every day. When they got to the lobby, Dave thought the tour was over. Before he could say anything to that affect, Doctor Chasse opened a door into an office and held it, clearly expecting Dave to follow. Inside, Dave took the offered chair and waited for whatever it was that Doctor Chasse was going to say but not bothering to care - part of him wanted the man to say that Dave’s case wasn’t severe enough to warrant a stay even while the much smaller part of him was desperate to make the slow, steady ache in his gut disappear even if it meant subjecting himself to this humiliation.

“Well, David, what did you think of our humble facility?” It wasn’t the question Dave was expecting and it took him by surprise. What did he think of it, aside from the fact that not that long ago he would have died before admitting he needed help? “I think Harmon has a lot to offer you if you, but we can only help as much as you’ll let us.”

“It…it seems nice,” Dave said lamely. He knew what Doctor Chasse wanted him to say, but damn if the words were still too hard to get past his lips. He choked on them a few times, but the psychiatrist was patient and eventually Dave did get them out. “I…I think I’d like to come here. I think it might uh, help. Y’know.”

As if those were the magic words, Doctor Chasse’s whole attitude seemed to relax. There was a genuine smile on his face and he didn’t seem so tense. It took Dave by surprise and he found himself reevaluating his opinion of the man. “I’m glad to hear you say that, David. We review all of the potential patient’s cases and I think your prognosis is very favorable if you’re willing to put effort in. There are just a few forms we’ll need you to sign and then I believe you said…” he shuffled the few papers around until he found what he was looking for, “June 2nd is when you’d like to begin?”

“Uh…yeah.” Dave didn’t bother mentioning that the program was full until that date when one of the patients was leaving. For all the preparation he needed, he could have been in the next day. He didn’t see the point in mentioning that so he kept his mouth shut as forms were handed to him to sign. By the end, he could have been handed forms authorizing the hospital to take out his kidneys while he was asleep and he would have signed just to get out of the room which was shrinking in size the longer he sat in the uncomfortable chair.

Finally, when he thought he would never be free, the doctor took back the last form and announced there were no more to sign. Relief must have been evident on his face because Doctor Chasse chuckled as he slipped the last paper into the steadily growing file. “Imagine having to do this multiple times a week. We’ve kept you here long enough. I’m sure you have loose ends to tie up before your stay. Remember - you’re not going to be allowed to contact anyone for at least the first week here. I’ll see you next Monday.”

“Yeah…see ya.” Dave walked himself out into the lobby, glancing over at the secretary who was leaning back in her chair looking at the ceiling. He bit his lip but didn’t say anything as he slipped out the door and walked across the parking lot to his car. He hadn’t realized how much time had passed while he was inside, but the sun was already touching the horizon, tinting everything orange. Dave slid into his car and drove away from the building without looking back.

( Master Post) - (Part 2)

fandom: glee, t/w: mental illness, status: complete, t/w: attempted suicide, pairing: azimio/quinn, rating: m, kurtofsky bang, pairing: kurtofsky, t/w: self harm

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