Do What They Can {Part 4/6}
Title: Do What They Can
Author: calc_broadway
Art: Here
Artist: akelly318
Pairings/Characters: Kurtofsky, brief Klaine, mentioned Azimio/Quinn
Rating: M
Word Count: ~18k
Warnings: Mental Illnesses including depression and schizophrenia, graphic description of self-harm, attempted suicide
Disclaimer: I don't own anything. I just do this for the kicks and giggles.
Summary: AU dark!future!fic. Dave checks himself in to a psychiatric unit when his depression escalates. Kurt has been in and out of them since his mother died. Can they find happiness with each other or is a happy ending really just for the movies?
Acknowledgement: Huge thanks are due to Panda ( akelly318/ pandacolfer) for choosing to do art for this. I've always been a HUGE fan of yours so having you claim this scared the shit out of me. And what she came up with is so amazing and captures all the emotions I tried to in my writing. ;-; Thank you so much! Also, thanks to Ashley for listening to me whine about this and always being willing to help me out when I got stuck and for being a hopeless romantic. Of course, this wouldn't have been possible without two of the best betas ever - Kat ( wanderlustlights) and Michelle (who is not involved in this fandom at all but who beta'd the last half of this on Monday night).
A/N: I had a fantastic time writing this (Read: I spent nights sobbing while my fingers bled from trying to type) and I hope you enjoy reading it. Until next year!
Dave had experienced enough lows in his life to know when something was wrong, even if he couldn’t summon the energy to brush his teeth let alone actively seek help. The next day during his session with Doctor Bell, she seemed to notice his lethargy because she changed his medication. By the time he took his pills in the morning the haze that separated his mind from his body was starting to lift. It wasn’t an instant cure, but he recognized the effects of new medicine in the dry mouth and clammy skin. After four days on his new medicine he was feeling almost back to normal. His nightly routine no longer consisted entirely of falling into bed, but now included changing into pajamas and brushing his teeth.
He almost walked past the figure sitting on the bed in his blind desire to sleep - one of the new medications he took helped with the insomnia. His hand was on the doorknob of the bathroom when he heard the soft sniff of someone suppressing tears. “Are you o - Kurt?”
There was no mistaking the person leaning back against the wall, eyes looking at the white bandage around his wrist. At his name, Kurt looked up and Dave saw the red rims to his eyes and several tears falling in near silence. “Bet you didn’t think you’d see me again so soon.”
“What’s wrong, Kurt?” Dave didn’t miss that there was no humor in Kurt’s voice despite the words. Hesitantly, he closed the distance between them until he could reach out and touch Kurt but he kept his hand to himself.
“H-He left me. Blaine left me. He just…He said he m..met someone else. S…someone normal.” The small flow of tears turned into sobbing and Dave had trouble making out the words through the shaking in Kurt’s voice. “I wanted to die. I want to die, but I couldn’t even do that right. I tried and I can’t even die right. How could anyone ever want me?”
Suddenly the bandages on Kurt’s wrist made sense and Dave was struck by the desire to tell Kurt he was perfect, that someone could love him. That someone might already love him just the way he was. Instead Dave just sat on the edge of the bed, looking at Kurt whose eyes were aimed at the bandage with a look of accusation.
“I read that if you cut deep enough the blood won’t even be red when it comes out. They didn’t say you would see the tendons. I just pressed as hard as I could and it hurt so badly but I kept pressing because everything in the apartment made me think of Blaine. And then I realized the knife wasn’t sharp so I sawed and -” Kurt choked on a sob and Dave didn’t say anything, waiting in horror for Kurt to start talking. “Blaine walked in then and saw the blood. God, there was so much blood, Dave. I felt like I could swim in it. The knife was somewhere else and I was just…just looking at my arm and I could see things except it was so…so mangled that it looked like hamburger and I felt like I was floating and I couldn’t breathe and I thought I was dead and I was…I was almost happy. But Blaine called the hospital and an ambulance came and I thought Blaine was going to love me again because he was holding me and talking to me and telling me to hold on and I did, I held on for him even though I wanted to give in to the cold and just go to sleep but I didn’t and then he let the paramedics take me and he didn’t even come.”
Dave had no words but Kurt didn’t seem to want any. Eventually the sobbing faded away and his lids started to sag. Dave waited until Kurt was snoring lightly to maneuver his body so it was lying down with the covers pulled up to his chin. Dave pressed his lips to Kurt’s forehead, smoothing his hair out of his eyes before standing up and going to lie on his own bed where he fell asleep and dreams of Kurt lying in a pool of blood tormented him. Several times he woke up and had to look over to assure himself Kurt was still breathing.
When the nurse came and rapped on the door the next morning, Kurt was still asleep. After Dave showered and dressed he saw that Kurt still hadn’t moved, though his eyes were open and he was staring across the room without blinking. Unsure of what he should do, he just stood frozen in the doorway. “Kurt, uh, we have to go.”
The only response he got was a noncommittal hum from Kurt but no other signs of life. The nurses came around again, knocking on the door and telling them it was last call. Dave tried several more times to get Kurt’s attention but nothing he said seemed to get past the impenetrable wall Kurt put up. When the clock flashed 6:45, Dave was forced to give up. He was going to leave when Kurt started talking.
“I can’t face them,” he said softly. “I know what they say about me when I leave and I just…I can’t bear it today.” He sat up and his expression turned hard. “So what did you bet?”
“I…I didn’t. Kurt, I don’t think they know it upsets you.” He wasn’t sure if that was the truth because, personally Dave knew that he would feel the same way as Kurt and that was why he hadn’t placed a bet.
“You didn’t? You were pretty close with Penny when I left and I know she’s the one who keeps track.”
“I was…I mean, I am. But, well, I wouldn’t want people to bet on me failing so…Listen Kurt -” His attention was drawn to the door where a nurse rapped sharply before opening and telling them it was time to go to breakfast.
“You should go, Dave. We don’t all need to be late.” Kurt stood up and gave a shaky smile. “I’m fine. I’ll see you in group. Now go. I have a very intense morning routine. It’s why I normally wake up early.”
Convinced that Kurt, if not fully well was at least on his way there, Dave left the room and headed to the cafeteria where Penny accosted him the second he sat down with his food. “Is it true?”
“Is what true?” He asked around a mouthful of food.
“Natalie said she saw Kurt in last night. Is he really back?”
Dave was spared from answering when Kurt walked through the door, head held high as if he owned the place. Watching his progress through the room, it was impossible to see the scared boy who was afraid of facing people. He smiled and laughed and everyone bought his story of how he’d just forgotten to take his medicine one day and his doctor decided another brief stay would be best. When Kurt changed his direction and wound up in front of their table, Dave expected Kurt to say something to him. Instead, Kurt turned to Penny. “So, who won this time?”
“Hmmm…I think Vince did. Of course, he said suicide attempt, but he did get the five days.” She laughed as Kurt, not missing a beat, turned and called to a middle aged man sitting at the center table.
“Congratulations, Vince. You finally won. It’s only been what? Three years?” Everyone laughed at that and Dave felt like an outsider. They all knew each other with very few exceptions. The thought that Dave might become one of those people, the kind that spent their life in and out of psych hospitals, was enough to make his stomach feel like lead.
If Dave thought becoming Kurt’s confidante meant they were friends, he was mistaken. After laughing with Penny he walked back and took his seat at the center table with little more than a glance at Dave. “Damn, what did you do to piss him off?”
“What do you mean?” Dave asked, wondering what he’d missed.
“I mean; Kurt didn’t even want to look at you, so you must have done something to upset him. What happened last night?”
“Nothing,” Dave said. Kurt’s secrets were his to tell and judging by the long sleeves he wore to cover the bandages, he didn’t plan on telling them. “He was already asleep when I got back.”
“I’d give anything to know what’s going on with him.” She was looking at Kurt covetously and Dave felt a flare up of annoyance.
“Maybe it’s none of your business,” he snapped, shoving his chair backwards and stalking off to drop his plate in the bin before letting his anger carry him through to the common area.
Penny followed him in a few minutes later and sat down next to him without saying anything. The silence stretched several minutes, long enough for the rest of the residents to trickle in and go to their normal morning activities. “I like knowing everything, Dave. That’s just who I am. I’m sorry if I stepped on a nerve, though. I’m a reporter in the real world, so sometimes I forget that these people have secrets I can’t know.”
“I have a bad temper sometimes if you haven’t noticed,” Dave admitted, returning her hesitant smile. “Kurt’s secrets aren’t mine, though. So if you want to know you’ll have to ask him yourself.”
“Fair enough. We all good?” She offered a hand and Dave shook it. The relief at making up with Penny was instant. He never liked fighting with his friends and in Harmon, Penny was just about the only one he had.
Dave grabbed a book from the bookshelf and started reading, losing himself in the words until it was his turn to talk to Doctor Bell. Their sessions were always short for which Dave was grateful. She asked him the same questions every day - how do you feel?, how did you sleep?, any noticeable side effects? - before releasing him to go to group with a promise to see him the next day.
He wasn’t even surprised when, upon walking out of the bathroom that night, Kurt was sitting on his bed. The overhead light was still on, illuminating all of Kurt’s flaws in vibrant detail. Dave took a moment to study Kurt before the other boy noticed he was standing there. No longer was he blinded by first impressions to only see the beautiful. He noticed that Kurt’s lips were just a little too big and his ears stuck out a little, looking almost elfin in the way they tapered at the top. He could see the wrinkles already starting to form on Kurt’s forehead and around his eyes even though they were only twenty-two and the scar on his neck that was too far back to have been from a suicide attempt. Kurt’s fingers were twitching slightly and Dave noticed for the first time how long they were.
Looking at Kurt, Dave saw no trace of the person who had shouted during lunch earlier that day. The nurse was just trying to help him eat. Despite his valiant attempts at hiding it, everyone already knew something was wrong with Kurt’s hand. His fingers were limp and unresponsive and the few times Kurt tried to use it, there was a flash of pain so obvious that it hurt Dave to just see it. Instead of accepting the help, Kurt wound up throwing his plate across the table, sending the food everywhere as he stormed out of the room. The silence that followed him was thick enough Dave could almost feel it.
Kurt’s words brought him back to the present.
“I wish I had stayed at McKinley longer.” Dave sat on his bed, waiting for Kurt to continue. He liked that they started their conversations as if they’re already in the middle of one, as if the time during the day was just the blink of an eye and the only real time is when they talk at night. “All of my best memories are of glee club. Do you remember Rachel Berry?” Kurt laughed at the memory, a low chuckle that Dave wants to hear again.
“She comes to visit sometimes. And Mercedes Jones. Sometimes Tina and Mike, too. It’s been a while, though. Not like I blame them.” Dave wanted to ask how long Kurt’s been in Harmon or other places like it, but something stopped him. He didn’t want to ruin the moment. “I wanted to act on Broadway or design clothes. I want to leave my mark on the world. Do something so that I won’t be forgotten when I die…It was a stupid dream.”
“It’s not stupid.” Dave recognized the personal information Kurt shared and found himself offering his own confession. “I...I wanted to be a professional hockey player. I was on the team but my dad made me quit after high school, even though I got a scholarship to play in college. He said I wouldn’t be able to play and keep up my grades to get into law school.”
“I’m sorry you don’t get along with your dad. My dad is the best thing in my life.” Dave remembered the photo he had seen on the night stand, how happy everyone had been, even if only for long enough to snap a picture. There were plenty of family pictures with Dave’s family, but all of them had the staged look of a professional setting, nothing spontaneous, nothing genuine. Despite that, Dave never characterized his relationship with his parents as bad, just different from families that had picnics and family vacations just because they could.
“We don’t have the most open relationship, but my parents do love me in their way,” he explained. “And it’s not really their fault, not all of it.”
“But they’re your parents. Shouldn’t they love you unconditionally?” Dave chuckled, wishing that life could be that easy. Not that he thought Kurt’s life was easy; the bloodstained bandage around his wrist was proof enough of that.
“I spent so long trying to hide who I am, that somewhere along the way I managed to lock everyone out of my life. I didn’t come out to them until I was twenty. And you know how in all those stories the parents already know?” Kurt nodded. “Mine didn’t. They were upset about it for a long time, and I don’t know if they’re fully over it yet.”
“I didn’t tell my dad until I was fifteen. It was probably the worst kept secret in the world.” Kurt’s small, fond smile was infectious and Dave felt himself give one as well. He didn’t have any fond memories of coming out. Just a lot of tense silence from his dad, then a single harsh question from his mom before she went running out of the room in tears.
“I was sure my parents would like…try to exorcise me or something,” Dave admitted.
“Did they?”
“No.” Close enough, though. They’d dragged the priest in to talk to him but Dave had walked out and refused to see his parents for the next month and a half until his dad finally showed up at his apartment and gave him an awkward hug and extracted a promise to visit for Christmas. “I was so afraid they would hate me forever, though. So I kept putting it off and putting it off. I tried sleeping around - do you remember ‘Scandals’ back in Lima?”
“The gay bar?” From the rueful expression that passed over Kurt’s face, Dave knew that Kurt remembered.
“I went there two or three times a week during senior year. And then I got to Columbus and there were so many more options but no matter how many guys I went home with I still felt like something was missing. So…one weekend I drove back to Lima and told my parents after dinner. My dad just looked so shocked and my mom literally burst into tears.”
“I’m so sorry, David,” Kurt said, looking at him with an intensity that forced Dave’s eyes away and to the side. He reached a hand up to brush away the start of a tear before it could turn into something more.
“So, how did you do it?” Dave changed the subject. He hated dwelling on his relationship with his parents any more than he absolutely had to and already he felt the ache in his chest that resulted in thinking about them too much.
“It was just after my third hospital stay. One of the things my therapist told me I could do was to confide in people more. So we were sitting in the car and I could tell my dad had no idea what to say and I just…I blurted it out. I guess I expected him to freak out but all he said was ‘I know.’” Jealousy rose like bile in Dave’s mouth but he pushed it away. It wasn’t Kurt’s fault that Dave’s parents weren’t as open-minded. “It…it wasn’t always easy, though. Especially after he started dating Carol - Finn’s mom. Finn was everything I thought my dad wanted in a son so when they spent time together I thought I was losing him. I took a bottle of sleeping pills that time.”
Dave didn’t know what to say in response to that. What would he want someone to say to him if they ever found out about the time he’d tried to hang himself? Not even his parents knew about it. All they knew was the board in his closet had broken when Dave tried to use it for pull-ups. “I’m glad you’re alive.”
“Thank you,” Kurt said quietly, meeting Dave’s eyes but not returning the small smile Dave offered. The conversation drifted off from there but Dave knew there was nothing else he could say without exposing the one secret he’d never told. And no matter how much he wanted to trust Kurt, wanted to confide his secret to someone, the words caught in his throat and refused to pass. When he looked over, Kurt’s eyes were closed and his breathing had deepened into sleep. Something had changed between them, something that Dave couldn’t quite name but which made his entire body warm.
(Part 3) - (Part 5)
Author: calc_broadway
Art: Here
Artist: akelly318
Pairings/Characters: Kurtofsky, brief Klaine, mentioned Azimio/Quinn
Rating: M
Word Count: ~18k
Warnings: Mental Illnesses including depression and schizophrenia, graphic description of self-harm, attempted suicide
Disclaimer: I don't own anything. I just do this for the kicks and giggles.
Summary: AU dark!future!fic. Dave checks himself in to a psychiatric unit when his depression escalates. Kurt has been in and out of them since his mother died. Can they find happiness with each other or is a happy ending really just for the movies?
Acknowledgement: Huge thanks are due to Panda ( akelly318/ pandacolfer) for choosing to do art for this. I've always been a HUGE fan of yours so having you claim this scared the shit out of me. And what she came up with is so amazing and captures all the emotions I tried to in my writing. ;-; Thank you so much! Also, thanks to Ashley for listening to me whine about this and always being willing to help me out when I got stuck and for being a hopeless romantic. Of course, this wouldn't have been possible without two of the best betas ever - Kat ( wanderlustlights) and Michelle (who is not involved in this fandom at all but who beta'd the last half of this on Monday night).
A/N: I had a fantastic time writing this (Read: I spent nights sobbing while my fingers bled from trying to type) and I hope you enjoy reading it. Until next year!
Dave had experienced enough lows in his life to know when something was wrong, even if he couldn’t summon the energy to brush his teeth let alone actively seek help. The next day during his session with Doctor Bell, she seemed to notice his lethargy because she changed his medication. By the time he took his pills in the morning the haze that separated his mind from his body was starting to lift. It wasn’t an instant cure, but he recognized the effects of new medicine in the dry mouth and clammy skin. After four days on his new medicine he was feeling almost back to normal. His nightly routine no longer consisted entirely of falling into bed, but now included changing into pajamas and brushing his teeth.
He almost walked past the figure sitting on the bed in his blind desire to sleep - one of the new medications he took helped with the insomnia. His hand was on the doorknob of the bathroom when he heard the soft sniff of someone suppressing tears. “Are you o - Kurt?”
There was no mistaking the person leaning back against the wall, eyes looking at the white bandage around his wrist. At his name, Kurt looked up and Dave saw the red rims to his eyes and several tears falling in near silence. “Bet you didn’t think you’d see me again so soon.”
“What’s wrong, Kurt?” Dave didn’t miss that there was no humor in Kurt’s voice despite the words. Hesitantly, he closed the distance between them until he could reach out and touch Kurt but he kept his hand to himself.
“H-He left me. Blaine left me. He just…He said he m..met someone else. S…someone normal.” The small flow of tears turned into sobbing and Dave had trouble making out the words through the shaking in Kurt’s voice. “I wanted to die. I want to die, but I couldn’t even do that right. I tried and I can’t even die right. How could anyone ever want me?”
Suddenly the bandages on Kurt’s wrist made sense and Dave was struck by the desire to tell Kurt he was perfect, that someone could love him. That someone might already love him just the way he was. Instead Dave just sat on the edge of the bed, looking at Kurt whose eyes were aimed at the bandage with a look of accusation.
“I read that if you cut deep enough the blood won’t even be red when it comes out. They didn’t say you would see the tendons. I just pressed as hard as I could and it hurt so badly but I kept pressing because everything in the apartment made me think of Blaine. And then I realized the knife wasn’t sharp so I sawed and -” Kurt choked on a sob and Dave didn’t say anything, waiting in horror for Kurt to start talking. “Blaine walked in then and saw the blood. God, there was so much blood, Dave. I felt like I could swim in it. The knife was somewhere else and I was just…just looking at my arm and I could see things except it was so…so mangled that it looked like hamburger and I felt like I was floating and I couldn’t breathe and I thought I was dead and I was…I was almost happy. But Blaine called the hospital and an ambulance came and I thought Blaine was going to love me again because he was holding me and talking to me and telling me to hold on and I did, I held on for him even though I wanted to give in to the cold and just go to sleep but I didn’t and then he let the paramedics take me and he didn’t even come.”
Dave had no words but Kurt didn’t seem to want any. Eventually the sobbing faded away and his lids started to sag. Dave waited until Kurt was snoring lightly to maneuver his body so it was lying down with the covers pulled up to his chin. Dave pressed his lips to Kurt’s forehead, smoothing his hair out of his eyes before standing up and going to lie on his own bed where he fell asleep and dreams of Kurt lying in a pool of blood tormented him. Several times he woke up and had to look over to assure himself Kurt was still breathing.
When the nurse came and rapped on the door the next morning, Kurt was still asleep. After Dave showered and dressed he saw that Kurt still hadn’t moved, though his eyes were open and he was staring across the room without blinking. Unsure of what he should do, he just stood frozen in the doorway. “Kurt, uh, we have to go.”
The only response he got was a noncommittal hum from Kurt but no other signs of life. The nurses came around again, knocking on the door and telling them it was last call. Dave tried several more times to get Kurt’s attention but nothing he said seemed to get past the impenetrable wall Kurt put up. When the clock flashed 6:45, Dave was forced to give up. He was going to leave when Kurt started talking.
“I can’t face them,” he said softly. “I know what they say about me when I leave and I just…I can’t bear it today.” He sat up and his expression turned hard. “So what did you bet?”
“I…I didn’t. Kurt, I don’t think they know it upsets you.” He wasn’t sure if that was the truth because, personally Dave knew that he would feel the same way as Kurt and that was why he hadn’t placed a bet.
“You didn’t? You were pretty close with Penny when I left and I know she’s the one who keeps track.”
“I was…I mean, I am. But, well, I wouldn’t want people to bet on me failing so…Listen Kurt -” His attention was drawn to the door where a nurse rapped sharply before opening and telling them it was time to go to breakfast.
“You should go, Dave. We don’t all need to be late.” Kurt stood up and gave a shaky smile. “I’m fine. I’ll see you in group. Now go. I have a very intense morning routine. It’s why I normally wake up early.”
Convinced that Kurt, if not fully well was at least on his way there, Dave left the room and headed to the cafeteria where Penny accosted him the second he sat down with his food. “Is it true?”
“Is what true?” He asked around a mouthful of food.
“Natalie said she saw Kurt in last night. Is he really back?”
Dave was spared from answering when Kurt walked through the door, head held high as if he owned the place. Watching his progress through the room, it was impossible to see the scared boy who was afraid of facing people. He smiled and laughed and everyone bought his story of how he’d just forgotten to take his medicine one day and his doctor decided another brief stay would be best. When Kurt changed his direction and wound up in front of their table, Dave expected Kurt to say something to him. Instead, Kurt turned to Penny. “So, who won this time?”
“Hmmm…I think Vince did. Of course, he said suicide attempt, but he did get the five days.” She laughed as Kurt, not missing a beat, turned and called to a middle aged man sitting at the center table.
“Congratulations, Vince. You finally won. It’s only been what? Three years?” Everyone laughed at that and Dave felt like an outsider. They all knew each other with very few exceptions. The thought that Dave might become one of those people, the kind that spent their life in and out of psych hospitals, was enough to make his stomach feel like lead.
If Dave thought becoming Kurt’s confidante meant they were friends, he was mistaken. After laughing with Penny he walked back and took his seat at the center table with little more than a glance at Dave. “Damn, what did you do to piss him off?”
“What do you mean?” Dave asked, wondering what he’d missed.
“I mean; Kurt didn’t even want to look at you, so you must have done something to upset him. What happened last night?”
“Nothing,” Dave said. Kurt’s secrets were his to tell and judging by the long sleeves he wore to cover the bandages, he didn’t plan on telling them. “He was already asleep when I got back.”
“I’d give anything to know what’s going on with him.” She was looking at Kurt covetously and Dave felt a flare up of annoyance.
“Maybe it’s none of your business,” he snapped, shoving his chair backwards and stalking off to drop his plate in the bin before letting his anger carry him through to the common area.
Penny followed him in a few minutes later and sat down next to him without saying anything. The silence stretched several minutes, long enough for the rest of the residents to trickle in and go to their normal morning activities. “I like knowing everything, Dave. That’s just who I am. I’m sorry if I stepped on a nerve, though. I’m a reporter in the real world, so sometimes I forget that these people have secrets I can’t know.”
“I have a bad temper sometimes if you haven’t noticed,” Dave admitted, returning her hesitant smile. “Kurt’s secrets aren’t mine, though. So if you want to know you’ll have to ask him yourself.”
“Fair enough. We all good?” She offered a hand and Dave shook it. The relief at making up with Penny was instant. He never liked fighting with his friends and in Harmon, Penny was just about the only one he had.
Dave grabbed a book from the bookshelf and started reading, losing himself in the words until it was his turn to talk to Doctor Bell. Their sessions were always short for which Dave was grateful. She asked him the same questions every day - how do you feel?, how did you sleep?, any noticeable side effects? - before releasing him to go to group with a promise to see him the next day.
He wasn’t even surprised when, upon walking out of the bathroom that night, Kurt was sitting on his bed. The overhead light was still on, illuminating all of Kurt’s flaws in vibrant detail. Dave took a moment to study Kurt before the other boy noticed he was standing there. No longer was he blinded by first impressions to only see the beautiful. He noticed that Kurt’s lips were just a little too big and his ears stuck out a little, looking almost elfin in the way they tapered at the top. He could see the wrinkles already starting to form on Kurt’s forehead and around his eyes even though they were only twenty-two and the scar on his neck that was too far back to have been from a suicide attempt. Kurt’s fingers were twitching slightly and Dave noticed for the first time how long they were.
Looking at Kurt, Dave saw no trace of the person who had shouted during lunch earlier that day. The nurse was just trying to help him eat. Despite his valiant attempts at hiding it, everyone already knew something was wrong with Kurt’s hand. His fingers were limp and unresponsive and the few times Kurt tried to use it, there was a flash of pain so obvious that it hurt Dave to just see it. Instead of accepting the help, Kurt wound up throwing his plate across the table, sending the food everywhere as he stormed out of the room. The silence that followed him was thick enough Dave could almost feel it.
Kurt’s words brought him back to the present.
“I wish I had stayed at McKinley longer.” Dave sat on his bed, waiting for Kurt to continue. He liked that they started their conversations as if they’re already in the middle of one, as if the time during the day was just the blink of an eye and the only real time is when they talk at night. “All of my best memories are of glee club. Do you remember Rachel Berry?” Kurt laughed at the memory, a low chuckle that Dave wants to hear again.
“She comes to visit sometimes. And Mercedes Jones. Sometimes Tina and Mike, too. It’s been a while, though. Not like I blame them.” Dave wanted to ask how long Kurt’s been in Harmon or other places like it, but something stopped him. He didn’t want to ruin the moment. “I wanted to act on Broadway or design clothes. I want to leave my mark on the world. Do something so that I won’t be forgotten when I die…It was a stupid dream.”
“It’s not stupid.” Dave recognized the personal information Kurt shared and found himself offering his own confession. “I...I wanted to be a professional hockey player. I was on the team but my dad made me quit after high school, even though I got a scholarship to play in college. He said I wouldn’t be able to play and keep up my grades to get into law school.”
“I’m sorry you don’t get along with your dad. My dad is the best thing in my life.” Dave remembered the photo he had seen on the night stand, how happy everyone had been, even if only for long enough to snap a picture. There were plenty of family pictures with Dave’s family, but all of them had the staged look of a professional setting, nothing spontaneous, nothing genuine. Despite that, Dave never characterized his relationship with his parents as bad, just different from families that had picnics and family vacations just because they could.
“We don’t have the most open relationship, but my parents do love me in their way,” he explained. “And it’s not really their fault, not all of it.”
“But they’re your parents. Shouldn’t they love you unconditionally?” Dave chuckled, wishing that life could be that easy. Not that he thought Kurt’s life was easy; the bloodstained bandage around his wrist was proof enough of that.
“I spent so long trying to hide who I am, that somewhere along the way I managed to lock everyone out of my life. I didn’t come out to them until I was twenty. And you know how in all those stories the parents already know?” Kurt nodded. “Mine didn’t. They were upset about it for a long time, and I don’t know if they’re fully over it yet.”
“I didn’t tell my dad until I was fifteen. It was probably the worst kept secret in the world.” Kurt’s small, fond smile was infectious and Dave felt himself give one as well. He didn’t have any fond memories of coming out. Just a lot of tense silence from his dad, then a single harsh question from his mom before she went running out of the room in tears.
“I was sure my parents would like…try to exorcise me or something,” Dave admitted.
“Did they?”
“No.” Close enough, though. They’d dragged the priest in to talk to him but Dave had walked out and refused to see his parents for the next month and a half until his dad finally showed up at his apartment and gave him an awkward hug and extracted a promise to visit for Christmas. “I was so afraid they would hate me forever, though. So I kept putting it off and putting it off. I tried sleeping around - do you remember ‘Scandals’ back in Lima?”
“The gay bar?” From the rueful expression that passed over Kurt’s face, Dave knew that Kurt remembered.
“I went there two or three times a week during senior year. And then I got to Columbus and there were so many more options but no matter how many guys I went home with I still felt like something was missing. So…one weekend I drove back to Lima and told my parents after dinner. My dad just looked so shocked and my mom literally burst into tears.”
“I’m so sorry, David,” Kurt said, looking at him with an intensity that forced Dave’s eyes away and to the side. He reached a hand up to brush away the start of a tear before it could turn into something more.
“So, how did you do it?” Dave changed the subject. He hated dwelling on his relationship with his parents any more than he absolutely had to and already he felt the ache in his chest that resulted in thinking about them too much.
“It was just after my third hospital stay. One of the things my therapist told me I could do was to confide in people more. So we were sitting in the car and I could tell my dad had no idea what to say and I just…I blurted it out. I guess I expected him to freak out but all he said was ‘I know.’” Jealousy rose like bile in Dave’s mouth but he pushed it away. It wasn’t Kurt’s fault that Dave’s parents weren’t as open-minded. “It…it wasn’t always easy, though. Especially after he started dating Carol - Finn’s mom. Finn was everything I thought my dad wanted in a son so when they spent time together I thought I was losing him. I took a bottle of sleeping pills that time.”
Dave didn’t know what to say in response to that. What would he want someone to say to him if they ever found out about the time he’d tried to hang himself? Not even his parents knew about it. All they knew was the board in his closet had broken when Dave tried to use it for pull-ups. “I’m glad you’re alive.”
“Thank you,” Kurt said quietly, meeting Dave’s eyes but not returning the small smile Dave offered. The conversation drifted off from there but Dave knew there was nothing else he could say without exposing the one secret he’d never told. And no matter how much he wanted to trust Kurt, wanted to confide his secret to someone, the words caught in his throat and refused to pass. When he looked over, Kurt’s eyes were closed and his breathing had deepened into sleep. Something had changed between them, something that Dave couldn’t quite name but which made his entire body warm.
(Part 3) - (Part 5)