154 Near Disasters

[cal_sitter]

Surviving New York: A Guide for Humans

1. Get to know your cab driver. If he or she smells of the grave, you are about to become a meal for a revenant or ghul. Aim for the head and find another cab.
2. The large dog you just passed on the street is not really a dog, and that was not a milkbone in its mouth.
3. It is a not a coincidence that the man you're playing poker with at an illegal gambling establishment has hair the exact shade of that dog's fur and smells like he just came from a kennel. Let him win.
4. Trolls do live under bridges, but they do not waste their time abducting livestock when they can collect people. Under no circumstances allow them to touch you.
5. Do not stray from the path in Central Park. Muggers are the least of your concerns when you do. If you see storybook fairies in the park, run.
6. The only alligators in the sewers are boggles. You are food for them at best, toys for their offspring at worse. Fine jewelry may provide you with some leverage.
7. Always offer the public performers a token of your appreciation. One of them has been known to abduct every child within the city limits if he isn't paid.
8. When you see feathers, fur or scales in a bar, turn around and leave. This is not a question of healthcode violations. The clientele do not want you there, and if the owner is not a peri, he or she may not intervene should the customers become peckish.
9. You cannot negotiate with a puck. Do not try, and do not purchase a car from his lot if you want to escape with your soul intact.
10. He is not joking when he says he can teach you the Kama Sutra in one night.
11. If you think one of the artifacts in the Metropolitan Museum moved, it probably did. Locate and notify the curator who gives the impression of belonging in Valhalla.
12. Yes, there is a vampire on the board of directors. Don't stare. It's not polite, and she's spoken for.
13. Gargoyles are not a happy people by nature. For your own sake, refrain from insulting them, whether you see them on the street or in the sculpture garden at the Brooklyn Museum.
14. Clowns are not to be trusted, particularly with small children.
15. Never travel alone. Never travel unarmed. Never assume that you will be saved.