It Was Supposed to be Me
Title: It Was Supposed to be Me [4/?]
Author: cake_tree
Rating: PG
Pairing: SeKaiHo (Sehun/Kai/Suho)
Genre: au, angst
Word Count: 5,822
“Yeah, it seems like Sehun doesn’t need us anymore.”
Sehun doesn’t need us anymore…
Doesn’t need us anymore….
Doesn’t need us….
Doesn’t need me….
“Suho!”
My head shot up at the shout of my teacher. “Ummm, yes?” I asked, but he only leveled me with a glare.
“I will not tolerate daydreaming in my class, do you understand me?”
“Yes sir,” I whispered out as I turned my attention back to my notes.
Out of sight, out of mind.
Or at least that’s what I kept telling myself. I need to find a way to make this whole mess with Sehun uncomplicated, especially since it’s only me who thinks it is. I need to push those feelings back, so far back that they’ll never bother me again.
Oh Sehun.
I need to close the lid on these feelings and be done with them. I was missing out on so much keeping away from him like this. This was his last year of middle school then next year he would be in high school with me.
And here I was, missing it all.
I didn’t realize it, but as I tried to convince myself to stop thinking about Sehun, I actually had started to doodle him. My gaze ran over the smooth lines of his face as my fingers smudged the graphite to create the shadows that I knew so well.
God, I was helpless. I just need to see him again. I just need to be there for all of his big moments again; I don’t want to miss out on any of it.
I just miss him so much.
But wait, if I go to him now sure I would be there for his last year of middle school, but that also means I would be there for his girlfriend. The year I could deal with; in fact, I would give the world to see that. The girl on the other hand… I could do without.
It’s not that I hated her. I’m sure she’s probably the sweetest thing in the world, I just didn’t want any part of it.
“Suho,” Kris called out softly from his seat behind me so the teacher wouldn’t hear. “Are you okay?”
I spared him a short glance and a nod before I returned my attention back to the front of the room, “Just peachy.”
“You sure?” he asked, and the doubt that was so obvious in his tone made me want to pull out my own hair, but no. I just tightened my grip on my pencil and kept my eyes trained straight ahead.
“Yes, Kris.” He could tell from my tone that there was no talking about this anymore. This wasn’t something I wanted to talk about, and I was done.
Or at least I thought he understood as I heard him slide back away and lean his body back so that it was slouched in his chair. “Whatever you say, Suho.”
I’ll wait.
With a shake of my head, I set my lips into a thin line and looked up to really start writing down the notes this time.
Running had always been a good way to clear my mind, and this time was no different. The rhythmic pounding of my feet as they hit the cement did wonders to calm my raging thoughts. I don’t remember why exactly I started the tradition of running after school ended for the day, but now I was grateful for it. It was such a good way to relieve stress, which seemed to be building up more and more now days.
Sometimes I wonder what I would’ve done without it.
Running like this was different than everything else in my life. There was no goal that I had to reach, there was no one to compete with. This was just me, just me doing what I wanted. Nobody pushing me, no impossible heights that was expected of me to reach. This was my pace, my game, and no one could tell me what to do.
It was just so much different than everything else in my life.
“He was telling me all about it last night.”
Last night, huh?
I knew that shouldn’t bug me as much as it did, but I didn’t like the look Jongin gave me after he said that. It was like he knew, like he really knew what I was thinking, and he took pleasure in my pain. Like he wanted nothing more than to see me drowning in it so he could hold his hand just out of reach. Close enough so that I hoped he would extend it, only to hold it back just out of my reach as he watched me slowly die.
But that was impossible. I mean come on, this was Jongin we were talking about. The same Jongin that back in the day would fight off all the bigger kids that dared to threaten Sehun or me.
Jongin is Jongin, he would do anything to help me. He wouldn’t just sit back, and watch me drown…
Would he?
I didn’t like to admit it, but a part of me doubted his intentions. Jongin seemed to have changed so much in the past few years. I mean he still was the same Jongin, but at the same time he wasn’t. It was like he was hiding something, and I just couldn’t see it.
No, stop, Suho. This is Jongin. He’s been there from the very beginning. Stop doubting him, and just relax.
As I pushed myself to go faster, I felt my feet hit the pavement harder than before, and watched the buildings and trees rush pass me.
No more Sehun and no more Jongin. Just running.
I told myself this as I pushed on ahead. I ran to clear my head, and that was what I was going to do. My small hometown flew by as it blurred and faded away. None of it mattered anymore, it was just me and the ground in front of me. Nothing more, nothing less.
No Oh Sehun.
No Kim Jongin.
And most importantly, no confusion.
But I knew that this oblivion could only last so long. I would have to stop eventually, whether it be from an aching lung, or the lack of daylight. I would have to stop and come back. I would have to face this eventually, I just hoped it wasn’t too soon.
But you know what? I was never that lucky, and just to rub it in, the universe left me a little gift on my door step.
Upon my stepping off the sidewalk with heavy pants and sweat drenched clothing, I made my way into my driveway just to see him sitting there- waiting from the looks of it- as he stared hard at the ground.
I debated for about five seconds as to whether or not, if I ran now could I put this off for another day?
You know, I’m almost an adult. I could move out and get my own place….
But then- I may have stumbled, or kicked a rock, or stepped on the loudest leaf in the history of time, or whatever I did as I was thinking- he looked up and his gaze caught mine and I knew; there was no running away from this now.
We stayed like that for a few moments as he watched me, and I just shifted my weight from foot to foot awkwardly. It was getting to the point that I was just begging for him to say something because I couldn’t take much more of this silence. I couldn’t take his silent stare that seemed to be calculating my every move; he was watching me, I just knew it.
So what do I do?
I raised my hand to wave at him with stiff movements, and threw him a strangled smile.
“Oh hey there,” I choked out, “Didn’t think you were coming over today.”
At that he scoffed and turned his face away from me as he bit out, “Like you would’ve known if I was, Mister ‘I’m too busy to answer my phone.’ I could’ve sent you a text saying I was dying, and you’d probably reply a week too late.”
Lies, I read everyone one of them.
“I’m sorry, school has been really killing me lately, and I-” I tried to say, but he cut me off with a strangled laugh that sounded a little closer to a sob than anything else.
“Oh I’m sure you are, just like Kris is,” he spat out as he turned his glare back on me. My heart sunk when my head finally caught up enough to process what he was saying. I forgot he knew Kris too. I forgot that they had met, and for some reason Sehun took a liking to the older boy. I forgot all of that. “But you know it’s funny,” he said as he stood up and started to close the gap of distance in between us. “He’s in just about all your classes, and somehow he still manages to find time to hangout.” As he said each word he moved closer and closer until he was only a few inches away. I couldn’t breathe as I stared into his eyes because I just knew he could see it. He could see all the excuses I was trying to find and all the half assed lies I was trying to come up with. “Why can’t you just admit that you were avoiding me? Admit it so I can yell at you, and then we can make up and everything will be okay again!”
I pressed my lips into a line as I tried to make sense of him. “What?” I asked as I tried to grab for his arm, but he just turned away and threw his hands in the air as he stomped back towards my front door.
“I’m angry, Suho! Let me vent so I can get over it!” he yelled out as he turned back to me.
“Uhh… okay,” I said slowly as I watched him turn his body fully to face me now. His face was angled at the ground as he tried to think of what exactly he wanted to say, and I just waited. It was weird, but if Sehun said it would make him feel better then I would let him try.
Sometimes I felt like I really don’t know him at all.
Finally he squared his shoulders and released a deep breath before he looked back up at me with a frown.
“I hate you,” and with that one sentence the blood in my veins dropped ten degrees.
No, please don’t. I know I was stupid, but just please don’t say that.
But he continued, “I hate you so much! Why did you ignore me when I really needed you the most, you idiot!” He all but yelled as he stomped his way back to me until his face was only inches from mine as he towered over me. “I’ve been freaking out, and having a hard as hell time, but where are you? Who knows?! Because I sure as hell don’t! I had to resort in confiding in Chen. Chen, Suho! Chen!” He shouted as he flung his arms about. “I mean, I love the guy, but god, he’s shit when it comes to have serious heart to heart conversations.” A silent pressure settled between us that seemed to weigh down my own limbs so that I couldn’t even reach out for him.
Maybe that’s for the best.
“Sehun, I-” I tried to ease the tension between us, but he spoke over me.
“God dammit, Suho. I just really freaking missed you, and I don’t understand why. Why are you ignoring me? Did I do something wrong? Did I hurt you in some way? Please, just tell me so I can make it better.”
“No, Sehun. It’s no-” I tried to explain to him that, ‘no, it’s not you, I’m just incredibility stupid,’ but he grabbed my shoulders and shocked me so that the words were stuck right on the tip of my tongue.
“Stop making excuses! Tell me honestly, please?”
Finally I had enough of his talking over me, and acting as if he knew everything I was going to say- which he probably did at the time- but now I was mad. No, he was just a kid, he does not know everything and he needs to stop acting like he does.
He could never understand these feelings.
“Would you shut up for five seconds and let me speak?!” I demanded, “How the heck am I supposed to explain anything if you keep interrupting me?” I asked and saw him raise an eyebrow at my tone as a little smile rested on his lips.
“My bad,” he whispered out as he fought back a chuckle at my reaction.
Sometimes… I think this kid likes fighting just for the heck of it. Just to see what kind of reactions he can pull out of me. To test how far he can push me until I snap.
And sometimes I think he’s a little shit, but he’s my little shit.
After we watched each other’s face for some reaction, for something, anything, I finally released the breath I didn’t know I was holding and looked down. I don’t know what I was looking for, and I can honestly say that I have no idea if I found it or not.
Uncertainty
That seemed to be the constant feeling that clung to me whenever I was in the presence of Sehun. I don’t know exactly when it started- maybe when I started high school and left him to fend for himself in the harsh reality of public school- but I knew it was here now, and I couldn’t find a way to stop it. I would tell myself; come on, this is just Sehun. The same little boy that would demand you stay in the same bed as him because being alone at night was uncomfortable, and did I see that movie with the killer that came in the middle of the night? No doubt the scary movie was Jongin’s doing, but what was done, was done. Every time, all he had to do was poke out his bottom lip, and add just enough of a whine to his voice and I was putty in his hands.
So when did this become so strange? When did it become weird for me to hold him while he slept? I don’t honestly know, but I do remember looking at him one day, and finally seeing him, I mean really seeing him, and just knowing.
He’s not a child anymore.
I still refused to admit that he was an adult, more like a kid, just now he wasn’t a child.
The lines were always blurred when it came to Sehun, but now it was like they were slowly being erased while I tried desperately to redraw them.
But you know, I could never win out against Sehun, and he seemed to be learning how to erase faster than I could draw.
“Sehun, I…” I started, but paused because how am I supposed to say this? How am I going to tell him the truth, without telling him the truth? “I’m not going to make excuses, or try to lie. I admit it, I was avoiding you, but it wasn’t because of you… if that makes any sense.” I told him in a lowered voice, hoping to god my little sister, Miho, or my mom wouldn’t come out to see this. “This was purely me and I’m sorry. I was just too caught up in my own head, I promise it won’t happen again.” Still looking at the ground, I shifted my weight back and forth from foot to foot until I heard Sehun release a sigh.
“Do you promise that? Never again, right?”
Even though I knew if I gave him the answer that he wanted I would be backing myself into a corner, all it took was me looking up into his eyes and I was lost. I knew no matter what, as long as it would make him happy, I would try to give him anything. Because this was Sehun, and Sehun gets what he wants.
Especially from me.
“I promise,” I told him, but I was not at all ready for his reaction.
The second after I was able to get those words out of my mouth I was enveloped in a bone crushing hug by the slightly taller boy, and felt him duck his face into the crook of my neck. It was a second before I could make sense of what just happen, but then I felt him exhale and his warm breath washed over my skin, and my mind blanked again.
It felt like my whole body went into overdrive, but at the same time I was frozen in place.
Was Sehun always this confusing?
“You better, or I’d have to beat you up.” Listening to his whisper in my ear did things to me, like a quickened heart beat and the reddening of cheeks, but I knew I had to play it off. Things couldn’t be weird between us, not because of this. Sehun was always like this, so I shouldn’t react any different from how I normally did.
“You know which one of us would win if it came to a fight, kid,” I recited in an almost robotic tone, but he didn’t seem to notice.
“Yeah, but we also know you wouldn’t hurt me like that. I’m your little Sehun, and no one hurts your baby. Not even you,” he said as he pulled back and reviled the cheeky grin that was plastered across his face.
So much about what he had said hurt, but at the same time I was grateful. He didn’t think anything had changed, so it hadn’t really, had it? This was all just in my head right? Maybe if I just surrounded myself with him again everything would go back to normal.
“Never,” I told him as I stared into his eyes and watched the way his eyes curved upward before he slid his hands down my arms to grip my biceps.
“Good,” he said almost like an exhale as he let his eyes roam over my face, causing me to blush a little more than I already was. “God how I missed you.”
And sometimes I was glad Sehun didn’t understand the difference of my stuff and his, my house or his, and that to some it’s not okay to just show up at someone’s place. But then again, he never really did and I couldn’t help but think that it’s okay, that this was how it should be. My house without Sehun wasn’t really something I could truly call home, now was it?
“I like your bed,” Sehun told me as he slowly sank down into my sheets. I turned from my search for clean clothes in my closest to see him spreading himself across like a cat before I turned back and placed my shoes down. “Like if I could pick one place to be at forever, it would be here. Right in this bed.” With my back to him I felt my cheeks stain with color.
Doesn’t he realize how that sounds?
“How about it?” he asked, and I realized that he had kept talking while I was trying not to think too deeply about what he had said previously.
“What?” I asked as I glanced over at him, as I saw him turn his head from where he had it buried in my pillow and watched as his messy light brown hair fell over his narrowed eyes.
“Are you even listening to me now?” he huffed out as he watched me stumble to my feet.
“Of course I am,” I told him as I made my way over to my bed where he still laid spread out across it. I noted how he kept his eyes trained on me as I made my way over until it caused too much of a strain on his neck without him turning the rest of his body. Just as I settled down and sat next to his feet, I watched as he let out a sigh and buried his face back into my pillows. “I swear I just didn’t hear what you said.”
I heard him release what sounded like a sarcastic chuckle and I could imagine how he would’ve rolled his eyes if he would have been facing me before I heard him mumble, “Yeah, I’m sure that’s the case.”
“It really is,” I told him as I let my hand rest on his calf, and without my realizing it, I started to softly rub soothing circles. “Come on, I’m closer this time. I promise I will listen this time.” It was quiet for a few moments before he spoke up.
“You said ‘listen’,” he pointed out.
I felt a smile pull at my lips before I could respond because he would point that out.
“No I didn’t, I said ‘hear,’” I told him as I landed a gentle smack on his leg before I continued, “Now who has the hearing problems?” I sat back and watched as he jumped up and swung around to face me as I tried to keep a straight face. “Now what is it that you said?” I watched as he sighed and leaned back before he looked at me with hooded eyes.
“I asked if you would stay here with me.”
As soon as that was out of his mouth I felt as though my heart was trying to break its way from my chest. I couldn’t answer him even if I tried, I could only sit and stare at him as he moved forward some to see my reaction in the dark space between us.
I can’t breathe.
“Suho,” he called softly, almost as if he was scared to speak too loudly and break the quiet that seemed to have settled itself in my room. “Suho, did you hear me that time?” I felt like my body was on lock down when he spoke, that I would never be able to move again, but somehow I was able to squeeze one word out of my quickly closing throat.
“No,” I whispered out, and watched as he narrowed his eyes at me before he let a small smirk make its way onto his lips.
“You’re a shit liar, you know that?” He told me as that little smirk slowly became a full-fleshed smile.
“I don’t know what you are talking about,” I tried to say, but he pushed further into my space until he was only inches from my very own face.
“Give it up, Suho,” he told me as he came even closer. “You can’t fool me. I know you, and I happen to know you can’t lie to save your life.”
“You don’t know anything because you’re wrong.”
With every second I refused to admit the truth, he got closer and closer until it came to the point that I felt as though I couldn’t breathe. My hand blindly searched for something, a pillow to be exact, to hit him with because. Dammit. I. Can’t. Breathe.
Just as he pushed in so close that his nose brushed up against the tip of mine, my hand finally closed around something. The fabric did give way, but that was all I could register before I swung it at him. With eyes closed tight, I heard Sehun yelp before I felt his familiar weight leave the bed and be replaced by the unusually heaviness of my pillow?
Just as I opened my eyes, I spotted that unfortunately, for Sehun, that it wasn’t a pillow, but rather my book bag.
That just happened to be full with all of my supplies from school…
Pencils, notebooks… textbooks… you know, the usual.
But before I could say anything, I flinched back in surprise as I saw Sehun’s head whip up from over my bed. He glared at me as his cheek sported a large angry mark from his previous encounter with my bag.
“Dammit, Suho!” he shouted. “What the hell was that for?!”
With my hand still on the bag, I looked from it and back to Sehun before responding. “Ahh, I thought it was a pillow?”
“A pillow,” he deadpanned as he stared at me in shock. “A freaking pillow?” he asked as his voice started to raise again. “Since when is a pillow that heavy?!”
It’s your own fault for nearly giving me a heart attack.
That’s how I really wanted to respond, but instead I just decided to shrug and give him a smile. But not having a verbal answer never stopped Sehun from complaining.
“I mean, think about it,” he said from his spot on the floor, “You could’ve seriously injured me. What would you have done then? Huh?”
Not really wanting to listen to him complain, and trying to guilt me into some form of an apology, as I tried to calm down the wild beating of my own heart. Which seemed like it was still trying to run away. I decided that a change of the subject might be for the best.
“Sehun,” I called out as I sat on my bed, facing the opposite way. I sighed. Even though I couldn’t see him, I knew he was paying attention to me because he had quieted down, so I continued. “There is something wrong, right?”
“Yeah, you just hit me in the head-” he started to say, but I cut him off.
“No, I mean something else. Like before you came to me.” I told him, and I thought he wasn’t going to answer until I felt the bed jolt as he sat on the other side of it.
“Why does something have to be wrong?” he asked in a quiet tone, and I was almost scared to turn around and see the expression he had on his face. This didn’t sound like the Sehun I knew. He sounded older and worn down. I didn’t like that.
So I tried to lighten the mood.
“When else do you come to me?” I said as I turned to him with a smile. We stared at each other for a few moments before he scoffed at me and laid back so that his head was resting back on my pillow.
I could’ve sighed from relief if I didn’t think he would hear me in this quiet room.
“When I’m bored, when I’m happy, when I’m angry, when I’m busy, when I’m tired,” he started to ramble off before I crawled over to him and shoved one of my pillows in his face, but that didn’t stop him. I could still hear his muffled voice through the pillow as he tried to pull it from his face with a smile.
“Okay, okay,” I told him and finally pulled the pillow back. “I get it, you come to me a lot.”
“For everything really,” he said with his smile still in place.
Not last night.
“What?” he asked as my eyes widened.
Oh my god, did I just say that out loud?
I could’ve died from embarrassment in that moment as I used my hands to cover my face.
“Suho, what did you say?” Sehun asked again, as he tried to pry my hands from my face, but I just waved him off.
“No, it was nothing,” I told him as I tried to take some deep breaths, thanking god for my decision earlier to not turn on my light. The look Sehun gave me told me that there was no way he believed me. But I wasn’t about to address that willingly.
“So, like we were saying,” I tried to start again and motioned with my hands for him to go on. He gave me a look, that look where you know the person thinks you’re weird, before he moved up on my bed so that he could sit right next to me on the side of it, so that now his legs were hanging off the side as well. He took a breath and lowered his head before he started.
“Well,” he began and stopped so that he could take another deep breath. “You know about my girlfriend, right?”
How could I not? It seems like everything likes to bring her up and rub her in my face.
But I didn’t say any of that, in fact I didn’t say anything at all. I just nodded and let him continue.
“Yeah, well about her,” he tried again, but stopped to look up at me before he blushed and turned away. “She’s… she’s great. Everything anyone could want in a girl, really.” He said this, and I had to hold back the urge to use my hands to block my ears.
I don’t want to know this.
“But… not what I want.” He said it so quietly that I almost missed it.
“Wait, what?” I asked as I moved him closer.
“It’s not that she’s not great!” he said quickly as his head shot up. “I just can’t.”
“You can’t what?” I asked him slowly, and watched as he lowered his head again. It was a few moments before he answered me.
“Be attracted to her,” he told me with a sigh. “I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I just look at her, and I enjoy being with her, but when she comes in close I can’t help but pull away. I just don’t know what to do, Suho.” The hopeless tone of his confession made me want nothing more than to pull him into my arms and rub more of those soothing circles into his back as I would tell him it would all be okay, but that wouldn’t be what he wanted to hear.
He’s asking for direction.
“Do you love her?” I asked him and watched as he lifted his head so that he could look me in the face. The look he gave me as he stared at me I couldn’t understand, but the moment he answered I pushed thoughts about it aside.
“No,” he told me as he stared me in the eyes. “No I don’t.”
We sat there for a few moments, just looking into each other’s eyes before he sighed again and broke the silence.
“I’m sorry,” he said as he lied back across my bed. “I know you’re busy and don’t need to be dealing with me, and-” he started to say, but I cut him off again as I kept my gaze forward.
“Break up with her.” I said with a shaky voice.
“What?” he said as he sat back up and looked at me again. I could feel my face color again when I realized that, yet again, I had spoken without really thinking about it, but I pushed that to the side and looked back into his eyes with determination.
“Break up with her,” I told him with more clarity this time. “If you don’t and stay with her you’ll only end up hurting her more. Think about it, what it she really starts to fall for you, but you continue to see her as only a sister figure? It’ll hurt her more when she realizes this, and she’ll feel stupid for not noticing sooner.”
That’s good, Suho. I almost couldn’t hear an ounce of selfishness in that myself.
I praised myself and watched as Sehun nodded his head in agreement.
“You’re right,” he said as he smiled at me and laid back down. “Almost sounds like what Jongin said, but I don’t know. I guess it just took you saying it to me to really believe it.”
A few seconds trickled by before I could registered what Sehun had said.
“What about Jongin?” I asked as I sat there shell shocked.
“Hmm?” Sehun hummed as I felt him stretch in place. “Jongin said basically the same thing last night when I told him about it. Just in a different way, you know.” He said and I couldn’t help the scowled that made its way to my face.
Didn’t he just tell me that Sehun was fine? That he was happy with her? What the hell was all this?
“Oh, and,” I heard Sehun chuckle from where I lied behind me. “I made have been really upset at you at the time, and may have complained to him a bit.”
“Yeah, it seems like Sehun doesn’t need us anymore.”
“Did you now?” I asked a little lifelessly.
“Yeah, and I don’t want for you to get cocky or anything, but,” he said as he sat forward to lean up so that he could whisper in my ear. His warm breath fanned out against it and I had to hold myself back from shivering at the feeling. “I may have even cried about how much I missed you.”
As those words ghosted through my ear it was like my whole being was at war with itself. My body felt warmer, but my thoughts swam around in chaotic patterns as they crashed into each other.
Sehun missed me.
Sehun wasn’t happy.
Sehun cried over me.
Sehun wants me there.
Jongin lied.
That last thought struck the hardest, and seemed to plow through everything else.
He lied.
Why would he lie?
He looked into my eyes and told me lies.
Was this the first time?
He smiled and laughed as he sat across that damn table and watched me slowly fall apart.
Why lie to me about Sehun?
And that’s when it hit me. I glanced back when I felt Sehun twist his fingers through my hair like he had done so many times before, and saw him look up at me. As soon as our eyes met I watched as his whole face pulled up into the bright smile I’ve grown to love.
It’s the same for him, isn’t it?
Jongin feels the same as me.
At that moment I felt my heart fall into my stomach, and I wanted nothing more than to run to the bathroom down the hall and puke it out. But no, I couldn’t. Sehun would worry. He would ask the questions that I couldn’t give him answers for.
How could this happen to us?
I looked back into Sehun’s eyes and watched as he tilted his head. Asking without words; what’s up? But I just shook my head and laid back down beside him.
Nothing you need to be worried about.
Push it away. Leave it for another day.
One step at a time.
How could this happen to us?
I have no idea. Maybe we’re just a group of unlucky kids.
Author: cake_tree
Rating: PG
Pairing: SeKaiHo (Sehun/Kai/Suho)
Genre: au, angst
Word Count: 5,822
“Yeah, it seems like Sehun doesn’t need us anymore.”
Sehun doesn’t need us anymore…
Doesn’t need us anymore….
Doesn’t need us….
Doesn’t need me….
“Suho!”
My head shot up at the shout of my teacher. “Ummm, yes?” I asked, but he only leveled me with a glare.
“I will not tolerate daydreaming in my class, do you understand me?”
“Yes sir,” I whispered out as I turned my attention back to my notes.
Out of sight, out of mind.
Or at least that’s what I kept telling myself. I need to find a way to make this whole mess with Sehun uncomplicated, especially since it’s only me who thinks it is. I need to push those feelings back, so far back that they’ll never bother me again.
Oh Sehun.
I need to close the lid on these feelings and be done with them. I was missing out on so much keeping away from him like this. This was his last year of middle school then next year he would be in high school with me.
And here I was, missing it all.
I didn’t realize it, but as I tried to convince myself to stop thinking about Sehun, I actually had started to doodle him. My gaze ran over the smooth lines of his face as my fingers smudged the graphite to create the shadows that I knew so well.
God, I was helpless. I just need to see him again. I just need to be there for all of his big moments again; I don’t want to miss out on any of it.
I just miss him so much.
But wait, if I go to him now sure I would be there for his last year of middle school, but that also means I would be there for his girlfriend. The year I could deal with; in fact, I would give the world to see that. The girl on the other hand… I could do without.
It’s not that I hated her. I’m sure she’s probably the sweetest thing in the world, I just didn’t want any part of it.
“Suho,” Kris called out softly from his seat behind me so the teacher wouldn’t hear. “Are you okay?”
I spared him a short glance and a nod before I returned my attention back to the front of the room, “Just peachy.”
“You sure?” he asked, and the doubt that was so obvious in his tone made me want to pull out my own hair, but no. I just tightened my grip on my pencil and kept my eyes trained straight ahead.
“Yes, Kris.” He could tell from my tone that there was no talking about this anymore. This wasn’t something I wanted to talk about, and I was done.
Or at least I thought he understood as I heard him slide back away and lean his body back so that it was slouched in his chair. “Whatever you say, Suho.”
I’ll wait.
With a shake of my head, I set my lips into a thin line and looked up to really start writing down the notes this time.
Running had always been a good way to clear my mind, and this time was no different. The rhythmic pounding of my feet as they hit the cement did wonders to calm my raging thoughts. I don’t remember why exactly I started the tradition of running after school ended for the day, but now I was grateful for it. It was such a good way to relieve stress, which seemed to be building up more and more now days.
Sometimes I wonder what I would’ve done without it.
Running like this was different than everything else in my life. There was no goal that I had to reach, there was no one to compete with. This was just me, just me doing what I wanted. Nobody pushing me, no impossible heights that was expected of me to reach. This was my pace, my game, and no one could tell me what to do.
It was just so much different than everything else in my life.
“He was telling me all about it last night.”
Last night, huh?
I knew that shouldn’t bug me as much as it did, but I didn’t like the look Jongin gave me after he said that. It was like he knew, like he really knew what I was thinking, and he took pleasure in my pain. Like he wanted nothing more than to see me drowning in it so he could hold his hand just out of reach. Close enough so that I hoped he would extend it, only to hold it back just out of my reach as he watched me slowly die.
But that was impossible. I mean come on, this was Jongin we were talking about. The same Jongin that back in the day would fight off all the bigger kids that dared to threaten Sehun or me.
Jongin is Jongin, he would do anything to help me. He wouldn’t just sit back, and watch me drown…
Would he?
I didn’t like to admit it, but a part of me doubted his intentions. Jongin seemed to have changed so much in the past few years. I mean he still was the same Jongin, but at the same time he wasn’t. It was like he was hiding something, and I just couldn’t see it.
No, stop, Suho. This is Jongin. He’s been there from the very beginning. Stop doubting him, and just relax.
As I pushed myself to go faster, I felt my feet hit the pavement harder than before, and watched the buildings and trees rush pass me.
No more Sehun and no more Jongin. Just running.
I told myself this as I pushed on ahead. I ran to clear my head, and that was what I was going to do. My small hometown flew by as it blurred and faded away. None of it mattered anymore, it was just me and the ground in front of me. Nothing more, nothing less.
No Oh Sehun.
No Kim Jongin.
And most importantly, no confusion.
But I knew that this oblivion could only last so long. I would have to stop eventually, whether it be from an aching lung, or the lack of daylight. I would have to stop and come back. I would have to face this eventually, I just hoped it wasn’t too soon.
But you know what? I was never that lucky, and just to rub it in, the universe left me a little gift on my door step.
Upon my stepping off the sidewalk with heavy pants and sweat drenched clothing, I made my way into my driveway just to see him sitting there- waiting from the looks of it- as he stared hard at the ground.
I debated for about five seconds as to whether or not, if I ran now could I put this off for another day?
You know, I’m almost an adult. I could move out and get my own place….
But then- I may have stumbled, or kicked a rock, or stepped on the loudest leaf in the history of time, or whatever I did as I was thinking- he looked up and his gaze caught mine and I knew; there was no running away from this now.
We stayed like that for a few moments as he watched me, and I just shifted my weight from foot to foot awkwardly. It was getting to the point that I was just begging for him to say something because I couldn’t take much more of this silence. I couldn’t take his silent stare that seemed to be calculating my every move; he was watching me, I just knew it.
So what do I do?
I raised my hand to wave at him with stiff movements, and threw him a strangled smile.
“Oh hey there,” I choked out, “Didn’t think you were coming over today.”
At that he scoffed and turned his face away from me as he bit out, “Like you would’ve known if I was, Mister ‘I’m too busy to answer my phone.’ I could’ve sent you a text saying I was dying, and you’d probably reply a week too late.”
Lies, I read everyone one of them.
“I’m sorry, school has been really killing me lately, and I-” I tried to say, but he cut me off with a strangled laugh that sounded a little closer to a sob than anything else.
“Oh I’m sure you are, just like Kris is,” he spat out as he turned his glare back on me. My heart sunk when my head finally caught up enough to process what he was saying. I forgot he knew Kris too. I forgot that they had met, and for some reason Sehun took a liking to the older boy. I forgot all of that. “But you know it’s funny,” he said as he stood up and started to close the gap of distance in between us. “He’s in just about all your classes, and somehow he still manages to find time to hangout.” As he said each word he moved closer and closer until he was only a few inches away. I couldn’t breathe as I stared into his eyes because I just knew he could see it. He could see all the excuses I was trying to find and all the half assed lies I was trying to come up with. “Why can’t you just admit that you were avoiding me? Admit it so I can yell at you, and then we can make up and everything will be okay again!”
I pressed my lips into a line as I tried to make sense of him. “What?” I asked as I tried to grab for his arm, but he just turned away and threw his hands in the air as he stomped back towards my front door.
“I’m angry, Suho! Let me vent so I can get over it!” he yelled out as he turned back to me.
“Uhh… okay,” I said slowly as I watched him turn his body fully to face me now. His face was angled at the ground as he tried to think of what exactly he wanted to say, and I just waited. It was weird, but if Sehun said it would make him feel better then I would let him try.
Sometimes I felt like I really don’t know him at all.
Finally he squared his shoulders and released a deep breath before he looked back up at me with a frown.
“I hate you,” and with that one sentence the blood in my veins dropped ten degrees.
No, please don’t. I know I was stupid, but just please don’t say that.
But he continued, “I hate you so much! Why did you ignore me when I really needed you the most, you idiot!” He all but yelled as he stomped his way back to me until his face was only inches from mine as he towered over me. “I’ve been freaking out, and having a hard as hell time, but where are you? Who knows?! Because I sure as hell don’t! I had to resort in confiding in Chen. Chen, Suho! Chen!” He shouted as he flung his arms about. “I mean, I love the guy, but god, he’s shit when it comes to have serious heart to heart conversations.” A silent pressure settled between us that seemed to weigh down my own limbs so that I couldn’t even reach out for him.
Maybe that’s for the best.
“Sehun, I-” I tried to ease the tension between us, but he spoke over me.
“God dammit, Suho. I just really freaking missed you, and I don’t understand why. Why are you ignoring me? Did I do something wrong? Did I hurt you in some way? Please, just tell me so I can make it better.”
“No, Sehun. It’s no-” I tried to explain to him that, ‘no, it’s not you, I’m just incredibility stupid,’ but he grabbed my shoulders and shocked me so that the words were stuck right on the tip of my tongue.
“Stop making excuses! Tell me honestly, please?”
Finally I had enough of his talking over me, and acting as if he knew everything I was going to say- which he probably did at the time- but now I was mad. No, he was just a kid, he does not know everything and he needs to stop acting like he does.
He could never understand these feelings.
“Would you shut up for five seconds and let me speak?!” I demanded, “How the heck am I supposed to explain anything if you keep interrupting me?” I asked and saw him raise an eyebrow at my tone as a little smile rested on his lips.
“My bad,” he whispered out as he fought back a chuckle at my reaction.
Sometimes… I think this kid likes fighting just for the heck of it. Just to see what kind of reactions he can pull out of me. To test how far he can push me until I snap.
And sometimes I think he’s a little shit, but he’s my little shit.
After we watched each other’s face for some reaction, for something, anything, I finally released the breath I didn’t know I was holding and looked down. I don’t know what I was looking for, and I can honestly say that I have no idea if I found it or not.
Uncertainty
That seemed to be the constant feeling that clung to me whenever I was in the presence of Sehun. I don’t know exactly when it started- maybe when I started high school and left him to fend for himself in the harsh reality of public school- but I knew it was here now, and I couldn’t find a way to stop it. I would tell myself; come on, this is just Sehun. The same little boy that would demand you stay in the same bed as him because being alone at night was uncomfortable, and did I see that movie with the killer that came in the middle of the night? No doubt the scary movie was Jongin’s doing, but what was done, was done. Every time, all he had to do was poke out his bottom lip, and add just enough of a whine to his voice and I was putty in his hands.
So when did this become so strange? When did it become weird for me to hold him while he slept? I don’t honestly know, but I do remember looking at him one day, and finally seeing him, I mean really seeing him, and just knowing.
He’s not a child anymore.
I still refused to admit that he was an adult, more like a kid, just now he wasn’t a child.
The lines were always blurred when it came to Sehun, but now it was like they were slowly being erased while I tried desperately to redraw them.
But you know, I could never win out against Sehun, and he seemed to be learning how to erase faster than I could draw.
“Sehun, I…” I started, but paused because how am I supposed to say this? How am I going to tell him the truth, without telling him the truth? “I’m not going to make excuses, or try to lie. I admit it, I was avoiding you, but it wasn’t because of you… if that makes any sense.” I told him in a lowered voice, hoping to god my little sister, Miho, or my mom wouldn’t come out to see this. “This was purely me and I’m sorry. I was just too caught up in my own head, I promise it won’t happen again.” Still looking at the ground, I shifted my weight back and forth from foot to foot until I heard Sehun release a sigh.
“Do you promise that? Never again, right?”
Even though I knew if I gave him the answer that he wanted I would be backing myself into a corner, all it took was me looking up into his eyes and I was lost. I knew no matter what, as long as it would make him happy, I would try to give him anything. Because this was Sehun, and Sehun gets what he wants.
Especially from me.
“I promise,” I told him, but I was not at all ready for his reaction.
The second after I was able to get those words out of my mouth I was enveloped in a bone crushing hug by the slightly taller boy, and felt him duck his face into the crook of my neck. It was a second before I could make sense of what just happen, but then I felt him exhale and his warm breath washed over my skin, and my mind blanked again.
It felt like my whole body went into overdrive, but at the same time I was frozen in place.
Was Sehun always this confusing?
“You better, or I’d have to beat you up.” Listening to his whisper in my ear did things to me, like a quickened heart beat and the reddening of cheeks, but I knew I had to play it off. Things couldn’t be weird between us, not because of this. Sehun was always like this, so I shouldn’t react any different from how I normally did.
“You know which one of us would win if it came to a fight, kid,” I recited in an almost robotic tone, but he didn’t seem to notice.
“Yeah, but we also know you wouldn’t hurt me like that. I’m your little Sehun, and no one hurts your baby. Not even you,” he said as he pulled back and reviled the cheeky grin that was plastered across his face.
So much about what he had said hurt, but at the same time I was grateful. He didn’t think anything had changed, so it hadn’t really, had it? This was all just in my head right? Maybe if I just surrounded myself with him again everything would go back to normal.
“Never,” I told him as I stared into his eyes and watched the way his eyes curved upward before he slid his hands down my arms to grip my biceps.
“Good,” he said almost like an exhale as he let his eyes roam over my face, causing me to blush a little more than I already was. “God how I missed you.”
And sometimes I was glad Sehun didn’t understand the difference of my stuff and his, my house or his, and that to some it’s not okay to just show up at someone’s place. But then again, he never really did and I couldn’t help but think that it’s okay, that this was how it should be. My house without Sehun wasn’t really something I could truly call home, now was it?
“I like your bed,” Sehun told me as he slowly sank down into my sheets. I turned from my search for clean clothes in my closest to see him spreading himself across like a cat before I turned back and placed my shoes down. “Like if I could pick one place to be at forever, it would be here. Right in this bed.” With my back to him I felt my cheeks stain with color.
Doesn’t he realize how that sounds?
“How about it?” he asked, and I realized that he had kept talking while I was trying not to think too deeply about what he had said previously.
“What?” I asked as I glanced over at him, as I saw him turn his head from where he had it buried in my pillow and watched as his messy light brown hair fell over his narrowed eyes.
“Are you even listening to me now?” he huffed out as he watched me stumble to my feet.
“Of course I am,” I told him as I made my way over to my bed where he still laid spread out across it. I noted how he kept his eyes trained on me as I made my way over until it caused too much of a strain on his neck without him turning the rest of his body. Just as I settled down and sat next to his feet, I watched as he let out a sigh and buried his face back into my pillows. “I swear I just didn’t hear what you said.”
I heard him release what sounded like a sarcastic chuckle and I could imagine how he would’ve rolled his eyes if he would have been facing me before I heard him mumble, “Yeah, I’m sure that’s the case.”
“It really is,” I told him as I let my hand rest on his calf, and without my realizing it, I started to softly rub soothing circles. “Come on, I’m closer this time. I promise I will listen this time.” It was quiet for a few moments before he spoke up.
“You said ‘listen’,” he pointed out.
I felt a smile pull at my lips before I could respond because he would point that out.
“No I didn’t, I said ‘hear,’” I told him as I landed a gentle smack on his leg before I continued, “Now who has the hearing problems?” I sat back and watched as he jumped up and swung around to face me as I tried to keep a straight face. “Now what is it that you said?” I watched as he sighed and leaned back before he looked at me with hooded eyes.
“I asked if you would stay here with me.”
As soon as that was out of his mouth I felt as though my heart was trying to break its way from my chest. I couldn’t answer him even if I tried, I could only sit and stare at him as he moved forward some to see my reaction in the dark space between us.
I can’t breathe.
“Suho,” he called softly, almost as if he was scared to speak too loudly and break the quiet that seemed to have settled itself in my room. “Suho, did you hear me that time?” I felt like my body was on lock down when he spoke, that I would never be able to move again, but somehow I was able to squeeze one word out of my quickly closing throat.
“No,” I whispered out, and watched as he narrowed his eyes at me before he let a small smirk make its way onto his lips.
“You’re a shit liar, you know that?” He told me as that little smirk slowly became a full-fleshed smile.
“I don’t know what you are talking about,” I tried to say, but he pushed further into my space until he was only inches from my very own face.
“Give it up, Suho,” he told me as he came even closer. “You can’t fool me. I know you, and I happen to know you can’t lie to save your life.”
“You don’t know anything because you’re wrong.”
With every second I refused to admit the truth, he got closer and closer until it came to the point that I felt as though I couldn’t breathe. My hand blindly searched for something, a pillow to be exact, to hit him with because. Dammit. I. Can’t. Breathe.
Just as he pushed in so close that his nose brushed up against the tip of mine, my hand finally closed around something. The fabric did give way, but that was all I could register before I swung it at him. With eyes closed tight, I heard Sehun yelp before I felt his familiar weight leave the bed and be replaced by the unusually heaviness of my pillow?
Just as I opened my eyes, I spotted that unfortunately, for Sehun, that it wasn’t a pillow, but rather my book bag.
That just happened to be full with all of my supplies from school…
Pencils, notebooks… textbooks… you know, the usual.
But before I could say anything, I flinched back in surprise as I saw Sehun’s head whip up from over my bed. He glared at me as his cheek sported a large angry mark from his previous encounter with my bag.
“Dammit, Suho!” he shouted. “What the hell was that for?!”
With my hand still on the bag, I looked from it and back to Sehun before responding. “Ahh, I thought it was a pillow?”
“A pillow,” he deadpanned as he stared at me in shock. “A freaking pillow?” he asked as his voice started to raise again. “Since when is a pillow that heavy?!”
It’s your own fault for nearly giving me a heart attack.
That’s how I really wanted to respond, but instead I just decided to shrug and give him a smile. But not having a verbal answer never stopped Sehun from complaining.
“I mean, think about it,” he said from his spot on the floor, “You could’ve seriously injured me. What would you have done then? Huh?”
Not really wanting to listen to him complain, and trying to guilt me into some form of an apology, as I tried to calm down the wild beating of my own heart. Which seemed like it was still trying to run away. I decided that a change of the subject might be for the best.
“Sehun,” I called out as I sat on my bed, facing the opposite way. I sighed. Even though I couldn’t see him, I knew he was paying attention to me because he had quieted down, so I continued. “There is something wrong, right?”
“Yeah, you just hit me in the head-” he started to say, but I cut him off.
“No, I mean something else. Like before you came to me.” I told him, and I thought he wasn’t going to answer until I felt the bed jolt as he sat on the other side of it.
“Why does something have to be wrong?” he asked in a quiet tone, and I was almost scared to turn around and see the expression he had on his face. This didn’t sound like the Sehun I knew. He sounded older and worn down. I didn’t like that.
So I tried to lighten the mood.
“When else do you come to me?” I said as I turned to him with a smile. We stared at each other for a few moments before he scoffed at me and laid back so that his head was resting back on my pillow.
I could’ve sighed from relief if I didn’t think he would hear me in this quiet room.
“When I’m bored, when I’m happy, when I’m angry, when I’m busy, when I’m tired,” he started to ramble off before I crawled over to him and shoved one of my pillows in his face, but that didn’t stop him. I could still hear his muffled voice through the pillow as he tried to pull it from his face with a smile.
“Okay, okay,” I told him and finally pulled the pillow back. “I get it, you come to me a lot.”
“For everything really,” he said with his smile still in place.
Not last night.
“What?” he asked as my eyes widened.
Oh my god, did I just say that out loud?
I could’ve died from embarrassment in that moment as I used my hands to cover my face.
“Suho, what did you say?” Sehun asked again, as he tried to pry my hands from my face, but I just waved him off.
“No, it was nothing,” I told him as I tried to take some deep breaths, thanking god for my decision earlier to not turn on my light. The look Sehun gave me told me that there was no way he believed me. But I wasn’t about to address that willingly.
“So, like we were saying,” I tried to start again and motioned with my hands for him to go on. He gave me a look, that look where you know the person thinks you’re weird, before he moved up on my bed so that he could sit right next to me on the side of it, so that now his legs were hanging off the side as well. He took a breath and lowered his head before he started.
“Well,” he began and stopped so that he could take another deep breath. “You know about my girlfriend, right?”
How could I not? It seems like everything likes to bring her up and rub her in my face.
But I didn’t say any of that, in fact I didn’t say anything at all. I just nodded and let him continue.
“Yeah, well about her,” he tried again, but stopped to look up at me before he blushed and turned away. “She’s… she’s great. Everything anyone could want in a girl, really.” He said this, and I had to hold back the urge to use my hands to block my ears.
I don’t want to know this.
“But… not what I want.” He said it so quietly that I almost missed it.
“Wait, what?” I asked as I moved him closer.
“It’s not that she’s not great!” he said quickly as his head shot up. “I just can’t.”
“You can’t what?” I asked him slowly, and watched as he lowered his head again. It was a few moments before he answered me.
“Be attracted to her,” he told me with a sigh. “I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I just look at her, and I enjoy being with her, but when she comes in close I can’t help but pull away. I just don’t know what to do, Suho.” The hopeless tone of his confession made me want nothing more than to pull him into my arms and rub more of those soothing circles into his back as I would tell him it would all be okay, but that wouldn’t be what he wanted to hear.
He’s asking for direction.
“Do you love her?” I asked him and watched as he lifted his head so that he could look me in the face. The look he gave me as he stared at me I couldn’t understand, but the moment he answered I pushed thoughts about it aside.
“No,” he told me as he stared me in the eyes. “No I don’t.”
We sat there for a few moments, just looking into each other’s eyes before he sighed again and broke the silence.
“I’m sorry,” he said as he lied back across my bed. “I know you’re busy and don’t need to be dealing with me, and-” he started to say, but I cut him off again as I kept my gaze forward.
“Break up with her.” I said with a shaky voice.
“What?” he said as he sat back up and looked at me again. I could feel my face color again when I realized that, yet again, I had spoken without really thinking about it, but I pushed that to the side and looked back into his eyes with determination.
“Break up with her,” I told him with more clarity this time. “If you don’t and stay with her you’ll only end up hurting her more. Think about it, what it she really starts to fall for you, but you continue to see her as only a sister figure? It’ll hurt her more when she realizes this, and she’ll feel stupid for not noticing sooner.”
That’s good, Suho. I almost couldn’t hear an ounce of selfishness in that myself.
I praised myself and watched as Sehun nodded his head in agreement.
“You’re right,” he said as he smiled at me and laid back down. “Almost sounds like what Jongin said, but I don’t know. I guess it just took you saying it to me to really believe it.”
A few seconds trickled by before I could registered what Sehun had said.
“What about Jongin?” I asked as I sat there shell shocked.
“Hmm?” Sehun hummed as I felt him stretch in place. “Jongin said basically the same thing last night when I told him about it. Just in a different way, you know.” He said and I couldn’t help the scowled that made its way to my face.
Didn’t he just tell me that Sehun was fine? That he was happy with her? What the hell was all this?
“Oh, and,” I heard Sehun chuckle from where I lied behind me. “I made have been really upset at you at the time, and may have complained to him a bit.”
“Yeah, it seems like Sehun doesn’t need us anymore.”
“Did you now?” I asked a little lifelessly.
“Yeah, and I don’t want for you to get cocky or anything, but,” he said as he sat forward to lean up so that he could whisper in my ear. His warm breath fanned out against it and I had to hold myself back from shivering at the feeling. “I may have even cried about how much I missed you.”
As those words ghosted through my ear it was like my whole being was at war with itself. My body felt warmer, but my thoughts swam around in chaotic patterns as they crashed into each other.
Sehun missed me.
Sehun wasn’t happy.
Sehun cried over me.
Sehun wants me there.
Jongin lied.
That last thought struck the hardest, and seemed to plow through everything else.
He lied.
Why would he lie?
He looked into my eyes and told me lies.
Was this the first time?
He smiled and laughed as he sat across that damn table and watched me slowly fall apart.
Why lie to me about Sehun?
And that’s when it hit me. I glanced back when I felt Sehun twist his fingers through my hair like he had done so many times before, and saw him look up at me. As soon as our eyes met I watched as his whole face pulled up into the bright smile I’ve grown to love.
It’s the same for him, isn’t it?
Jongin feels the same as me.
At that moment I felt my heart fall into my stomach, and I wanted nothing more than to run to the bathroom down the hall and puke it out. But no, I couldn’t. Sehun would worry. He would ask the questions that I couldn’t give him answers for.
How could this happen to us?
I looked back into Sehun’s eyes and watched as he tilted his head. Asking without words; what’s up? But I just shook my head and laid back down beside him.
Nothing you need to be worried about.
Push it away. Leave it for another day.
One step at a time.
How could this happen to us?
I have no idea. Maybe we’re just a group of unlucky kids.