(no subject)
A lot of things have been bothering me lately and I can't really pin point what they are. Pretty much I hate the viola. I like my major, but I hate the viola. So I don't know what to do. It never really was my "gift" if you will. If we want to get techical I was a better singer than I was viola player. Recentely that hasn't been so awesome. I know this because I am in voice class and its pointless. Plus the fact that my teacher picks songs that are not in my range. I have to sing tomorrow in front of my class, which may turn out to be a disaster. The piano seems to be coming along ok, but there are so many rules. I can't understand why I can't just play what I want. The thing is my school is centered around a "classical yet relaxed" atmosphere. Everything is taken so seriously. I loath going to quartet because I feel like my coach picks on me and I'm pretty sure that I'm holding the whole group back. I never have learned how to count and basically I just follow people. I'm not a solo performer and I'm not a perfomance major. I hate being put on the spot. I don't understand what they tell me half the time. I hate the fact that I have to play in front of people. You could say that I lack confidence. Which happens a lot. But sometimes you just know things. I can't sit down to a piece of music and just play it. I have to hear it, or sit next to somebody and play my part. I know people talk about me. They know that I'm taking theory over again. Pretty much I wish people didn't know who I was. That would make everything so much better. I don't want to hear that I play well, when I know I only play some things well. I don't want to be yelled at for having no self confidence because I have it. I just loath the viola. I hate the 2 hour orchestra rehersals. I hate my lesson. I hate quartet. I like the people in my quartet, but I hate the whole idea of me playing any kind of music with my viola. I won't quit because thats not what I do. I'll just be completely miserable playing it for the next 3 years. I refuse to play when I'm done with school, and if I don't get a job, then thats my own fault.
Today I had to teach a string lesson in my methods class. Since I'm a control freak, I talked the whole time and didn't let my partner do anything. Basically I cared about our grade and I wanted a good one. I felt bad. But thats me. I have to be in control of everything and when I'm not, everything seems to go badly...called the viola.
I also made myself look really dumb in conducting, which isn't good. I never know whats going on anywhere. Its so sad. So basically I had a bad day and I like to pound myself in the ground. Please don't send me nasty comments.
The sad thing is my viola teacher told me that he thinks that I'm "good" now....ha ha please define "good".
Today I had to teach a string lesson in my methods class. Since I'm a control freak, I talked the whole time and didn't let my partner do anything. Basically I cared about our grade and I wanted a good one. I felt bad. But thats me. I have to be in control of everything and when I'm not, everything seems to go badly...called the viola.
I also made myself look really dumb in conducting, which isn't good. I never know whats going on anywhere. Its so sad. So basically I had a bad day and I like to pound myself in the ground. Please don't send me nasty comments.
The sad thing is my viola teacher told me that he thinks that I'm "good" now....ha ha please define "good".