Love Is Watching Someone Die
An entry from my handwritten journal:
6-12-2010
Life is becoming scary. Things are not okay. My emotions are taking control. My heart is feeling too much.
My Dad is dying from an incurable lung disease. I grew up my entire life thinking my Dad was invincible. The family would always joke around and say he would out live all of us. It's sad to think about...but it still has not soaked in. It does not feel real. A part of me thinks he will live forever. I should be bonding with him....but I'm afraid.
Life tends to get depressing. The older I get...the more I realize that everyone I love is going to die.
Sometimes I think about going away somewhere and finding a place to die...I want to be one of the first. I am beyond selfish. Wanting to die so I won't feel the pain of loss. I don't want to watch my friends and family die. I'm selfish...but it's because of love. Is it alright to be selfish out of love?
I'm sorry but it's too hard to be perfect. I have a heart and it feels too much.
Mom is currently in the hospital. Both of her breasts have been removed. The doctors think the Cancer may have spread. If that is the case, then I will have two parents struggling to survive.
I have not cried for either of them though.... for some reason I can't seem to process this as real. I feel as though my parents are going to live forever. I can't seem to accept the fact that they are sick. I am sad though.....
I don't want this to be happening. This is really quite awful...
My Mom and Dad are sick... I just can't believe it. I feel like I'm on the outside looking in at an alternate reality.
I hate this. I can't watch them die... ...I can't bury them.
Nothing feels right anymore. Nothing feels sane. Dad has been growing more bitter. It's a bitterness that spreads like warm butter. It touches everyone in the house... ...the air is heavy and we all inhale it.
Sometimes I catch Dad watching old westerns on the television. I always feel sad when I walk by the living room door and see Dad watching the cowboys on the screen. He seems so human...and I realize he is me... ...and I am him... ...simply human. He is sad. He is afraid.
It is a painted picture in front of me that I feel I should not see.
Tonight I felt them both dying. Tonight, I felt myself fall more into the destructive ideas buried within me.
My boyfriend Andrew and I have been growing apart. I feel it. He and I barely talk anymore. It's lonely and heart breaking. I go days without being able to contact him and he hardly seems to care. I suppose he is just being busy and working hard...but I still want to feel special...important...and loved.
Everything is becoming too overwhelming. I have a horrible feeling inside. I may snap.