Back Up Friend
First of all, let me begin by stressing that this journal entry isn't directed at one specific person. This is simply, how I feel in general...and...I just need a release. I don't mean to offend or make anyone feel uncomfortable or ashamed. So please, if you read this, and if you feel like this is in any way about you, don't get chocked up, okay? I know I have the most amazing friends in the world, and I'm thankful for all of you. I know that I'm a lucky girl. <3
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Truth be told, I feel like the back up friend. Not just to him...or her...or them...but to everyone. Maybe I'm being silly, and insecure...but still...I can't help but feel this way.
I want to be more...just to a couple of people... I so desperately want to be more.
Don't just talk to me when you see an opportunity. Don't mention hanging out with me, only because you can benefit from it for whatever reason. I notice. I act carefree and happy...but...I know what is happening...and I let it happen. Why? Because I want to be a good friend...and even more so...I have hope that one day I won't be that friend you turn to because it's convenient. I have hope that you will open your eyes and see...that I'm more than an opportunity to save a few bucks...that I'm more than a ride to here...or there. I'm more than a doorway to things I have to offer. I have hope that one day you will stand back and actually see me. I'm not just Lindsey, from Mount Airy... I'm Lindsey...that girl you want to hang out with...even when there is nothing to gain...except a few playful antics and a handful of corny adventures.
I want to be more than that friend you talk to and hang out with when all of your other friends are too busy. I don't want to be at the bottom of your list of people to call when you want to go out on the town. I may be oblivious to a lot of instances, where I'm sure this has occured, but I have also picked up on some. I'm a lonely girl with a whole lot of free time. I have all the time in the world to dig deep and figure things out. I know, in some cases...for a fact...that I was that girl you called on as a last resort. I still escort you...and I wear a happy smile...and I act excited...but deep down...I'm frowning. A part of me still has hope... Maybe you will see...that I'm here for you...and maybe next time...I won't be the last person you call up when you feel like having a fun night.
I want to be more than the double package...the "bonus" friend. Why do you only hang out with me, if it involves a specific person being there? Can't you admire me for the single being that I am? I'm Lindsey.... I'm not "so-and-so's friend"...or "so-and-so's girlfriend"...or "so-and-so's sister" Why can't we be friends without the shield of another person? Am I not good enough to stand on my own? Lets face it...a cherry is always better on top of a Sundae. And I still have hope...that after countless moments together, you might see me as more than an addition to someone else... That you might see me as your friend... Tell me, in an empty room...apart from the world...am I your friend?
I don't want to be that friend you make plans with, but then you bail out on when something better comes up. Sure, I am understanding...and I pardon you time and time again. I don't let it bother me, and on the rare occasion it does hurt me to the point that I show it, I forgive you so easily. I keep thinking to myself, that you won't do this to me again... that maybe I'm worth more to you than that. Friends don't make plans and then ditch you for something shiny... It's okay...you can go for the shiny this once... but next time... please look inside of your heart, and realize how much it hurts me. Time after time...you continue to replace our time...with something you find more appealing. I keep thinking...if I forgive...if I don't let myself get worked up...you will see how understanding I've been...and maybe you won't ditch me next time...because maybe...I'm worth more? Maybe...?
I'm sick of being that friend that you lie to...and I sit in silence...and to be quite blunt, act oblivious to the entire thing. That is one of my biggest flaws...I act oblivious, when really, I know what is going on. I let the lie slip away...through the cracks. I never bring up the issue...I never confront you. Why? Because I hate conflict... Why? Because what is there to gain...really? I don't ever want to make my friends uncomfortable... Even though... I am the one getting hurt... I don't want to point out every little misleading statement you've ever made...because I don't want to divide us...or put anything awkward between us. I just hope...that someday...you won't feel the need to lie to me...or mislead me... Maybe you will see, that I'm here for the long run...it's okay to rain on me... I'll still be standing at your door, soaking wet... a little chilly...but still...a heart of warmth.
...I know that I have potential. When the world becomes a dark place...and you are feeling alone....you reach out to me....you do....I see it.....you reach out to me...instead of the others. It's because...
...god...don't you see it? Can't you see it?
I fucking love you. Excuse my language...but for crying out loud...I fucking love you guys.
Half of the time...you make me want to beat my head into the wall...
You annoy me...and there are times...I can't even stand you...
I cry many tears....because of you guys...and because I feel so worthless in your lives...
...but I'm the back up friend who loves you all...so much...
...and I'm the back up friend who will always be here to pick you up when you fall down...
I'll take your hand...and help you cross that raging river that plagues your soul...
All of you, mean so much to me.
...and it isn't easy being the back up friend...
...but even still...I wouldn't trade this in...
...someone has to be the back up...someone has to be at the bottom of the list...
...and I would rather be at the bottom of your lists...then at the top of anyone elses.
It's inevitable. I care about you all...so much.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Truth be told, I feel like the back up friend. Not just to him...or her...or them...but to everyone. Maybe I'm being silly, and insecure...but still...I can't help but feel this way.
I want to be more...just to a couple of people... I so desperately want to be more.
Don't just talk to me when you see an opportunity. Don't mention hanging out with me, only because you can benefit from it for whatever reason. I notice. I act carefree and happy...but...I know what is happening...and I let it happen. Why? Because I want to be a good friend...and even more so...I have hope that one day I won't be that friend you turn to because it's convenient. I have hope that you will open your eyes and see...that I'm more than an opportunity to save a few bucks...that I'm more than a ride to here...or there. I'm more than a doorway to things I have to offer. I have hope that one day you will stand back and actually see me. I'm not just Lindsey, from Mount Airy... I'm Lindsey...that girl you want to hang out with...even when there is nothing to gain...except a few playful antics and a handful of corny adventures.
I want to be more than that friend you talk to and hang out with when all of your other friends are too busy. I don't want to be at the bottom of your list of people to call when you want to go out on the town. I may be oblivious to a lot of instances, where I'm sure this has occured, but I have also picked up on some. I'm a lonely girl with a whole lot of free time. I have all the time in the world to dig deep and figure things out. I know, in some cases...for a fact...that I was that girl you called on as a last resort. I still escort you...and I wear a happy smile...and I act excited...but deep down...I'm frowning. A part of me still has hope... Maybe you will see...that I'm here for you...and maybe next time...I won't be the last person you call up when you feel like having a fun night.
I want to be more than the double package...the "bonus" friend. Why do you only hang out with me, if it involves a specific person being there? Can't you admire me for the single being that I am? I'm Lindsey.... I'm not "so-and-so's friend"...or "so-and-so's girlfriend"...or "so-and-so's sister" Why can't we be friends without the shield of another person? Am I not good enough to stand on my own? Lets face it...a cherry is always better on top of a Sundae. And I still have hope...that after countless moments together, you might see me as more than an addition to someone else... That you might see me as your friend... Tell me, in an empty room...apart from the world...am I your friend?
I don't want to be that friend you make plans with, but then you bail out on when something better comes up. Sure, I am understanding...and I pardon you time and time again. I don't let it bother me, and on the rare occasion it does hurt me to the point that I show it, I forgive you so easily. I keep thinking to myself, that you won't do this to me again... that maybe I'm worth more to you than that. Friends don't make plans and then ditch you for something shiny... It's okay...you can go for the shiny this once... but next time... please look inside of your heart, and realize how much it hurts me. Time after time...you continue to replace our time...with something you find more appealing. I keep thinking...if I forgive...if I don't let myself get worked up...you will see how understanding I've been...and maybe you won't ditch me next time...because maybe...I'm worth more? Maybe...?
I'm sick of being that friend that you lie to...and I sit in silence...and to be quite blunt, act oblivious to the entire thing. That is one of my biggest flaws...I act oblivious, when really, I know what is going on. I let the lie slip away...through the cracks. I never bring up the issue...I never confront you. Why? Because I hate conflict... Why? Because what is there to gain...really? I don't ever want to make my friends uncomfortable... Even though... I am the one getting hurt... I don't want to point out every little misleading statement you've ever made...because I don't want to divide us...or put anything awkward between us. I just hope...that someday...you won't feel the need to lie to me...or mislead me... Maybe you will see, that I'm here for the long run...it's okay to rain on me... I'll still be standing at your door, soaking wet... a little chilly...but still...a heart of warmth.
...I know that I have potential. When the world becomes a dark place...and you are feeling alone....you reach out to me....you do....I see it.....you reach out to me...instead of the others. It's because...
...god...don't you see it? Can't you see it?
I fucking love you. Excuse my language...but for crying out loud...I fucking love you guys.
Half of the time...you make me want to beat my head into the wall...
You annoy me...and there are times...I can't even stand you...
I cry many tears....because of you guys...and because I feel so worthless in your lives...
...but I'm the back up friend who loves you all...so much...
...and I'm the back up friend who will always be here to pick you up when you fall down...
I'll take your hand...and help you cross that raging river that plagues your soul...
All of you, mean so much to me.
...and it isn't easy being the back up friend...
...but even still...I wouldn't trade this in...
...someone has to be the back up...someone has to be at the bottom of the list...
...and I would rather be at the bottom of your lists...then at the top of anyone elses.
It's inevitable. I care about you all...so much.