...hm?
I believe I may be suffering from... acute apathy with surrealistic episodes.
There's probably a drug for that.
Hee. I'm amused.
Anyway, I'm sort of proud of some semi-smut stuff I've been writing recently, and it's not even that HM fanfic (which I am still writing, oddly enough). In fact, it isn't fanfic at all. Which is good. You should read it. It's a whole two reading levels higher than my NaNoWriMo novel (according to the Google Docs tool that assesses stuff like that; it's 7th grade reading level whilst my NaNo is grade 5). I like it. It's hard! But worth it!
Anyway, I think I'm going to start making most of my posts friends only. Mostly because my mom thinks I don't know my way around the internet, and we had the "Be careful what you show other people!" conversation the other day, to which I replied, "You know you can't even see half the stuff I post to my LJ, right? Yeah, I thought you didn't. Don't talk to me about 'filters', I grew up with this internet thing, bitch," but not in quite so many words.
Why do I make my mom so mad these days? It seems like every word out of my mouth is "biting her head off". When did this happen? It makes me sad. Can I not talk to my mom about stuff that's bothering me anymore? If I'm not allowed to complain to her, who am I supposed to talk to? She feels like every time I'm upset, I'm yelling at or being snarky with her. Which is, you know, just more upsetting, so every time we talk I end up in an even fouler mood than I went in with. I miss my mom. Or have I changed? Perhaps the bitterness is taking over my very personality. Has anyone else noticed this? I mean, yes. I'm bitter. I've been somewhat jaded, I guess. But I don't think I've gotten... nasty. Not that I can't get nasty, oh no, I do, so don't go telling me about that (I'm aware). But, just, in general, not including PMS bullshit? She got me on (actual quote, with "quotes") "'freedom of speech'" the other day. You know, "I know you really like to speak your mind about things" what? Um, yeah, I guess. I try pretty hard not to say stupid shit when it shouldn't be said- take any given moment at work, for example. So now I'm not allowed to voice my opinion on the poorly designed parking lot at the post office in the privacy of my own car? Oh, wait, but I didn't actually say "poor design"; I said the parking lot was "stupid", to which she gets an attitude and says, "Oh, right, it's 'stupid'." ...Excuse me? Um, yes. It is stupid. So are people who don't use their turn signals or who leave piles of sweaters on the floor of the fitting room. When I get offended at her getting offended (or whatever the hell it is) at me saying the parking lot is stupid, she goes off on how "everything is stupid" with me these days. At the time, I went off on how I ought to have said it was "poorly designed", sorry I didn't think to choose my words properly, but what she was really about was that apparently I think everything is stupid these days and how come people can't be less stupid and blah blah blah people suck fuck 'em.
Well, yeah. Not arguing with that.
But I don't talk about that all the time. I don't consider myself an overly negative person, really. I think I'm pretty well-balanced. Sure, when it comes to parking lots, they suck, it's a thing about driving I really really dislike doing. And rude customers. Don't like them. But I like my friends, and the people who pick up the sweater that they didn't even drop on the floor, or the lady who renews my faith in humanity by buying over $100 worth of clothes for this poor woman and her three kids randomly one day. That shit makes me cry (seriously, I almost broke down right there at my register that day, it was fucking awesome). I used to really enjoy my family a lot of the time.
I'm going to try just cutting the word "stupid" out of my vocabulary. I bet that I'll be able to get away with exactly the same amount of negativity if I don't draw her attention to it by using the word "stupid". But even that isn't it, really. There's some deep, nagging, thing that's wedged itself between my mom and me and I don't know what it is. It makes me really really sad. Because I love my mom. And I love being able to talk to her. And it upsets me that she gets so... offended by things I don't mean to offend her with. And every time I try to talk to her about it, apparently I say the wrong things, because if I try "you've never been bothered by this before" it's "well maybe I just don't want to put up with it anymore", and if it's "I'm sorry, I don't mean to" then "maybe you should pay more attention to what you're saying". It doesn't help that we have vastly different personalities. I actually told her that I think my boldness just scares her because she's not that way. I don't think that's really true. Just because she can't project (oh my GOD, don't get my started on how soft she talks; with Dad slowly losing his hearing and her soft talking it's a miracle they can still talk at all) doesn't mean she can't get a point across, and she will. She's no chicken. And, hell, she's probably right; I know I talk a lot, and sometimes maybe I say things I shouldn't say. But I'd prefer to just... I don't know, let that be part of who I am? It hasn't really harmed me so far. Nope. Pretty sure I'm okay.
You know what, forget it. I'm not friend-locking this post. Maybe I want her to read this. Hi, Mom. I love you. I'm sorry. Oh, and you might not want to read that thing I linked up at the top there. Just, you know, to avoid awkwardness. Actually, do read it if you want. I'm pretty proud of it. It's not bad. Just maybe, don't tell me you did. Potentially awkward.
Right.
Shutting up, now.
There's probably a drug for that.
Hee. I'm amused.
Anyway, I'm sort of proud of some semi-smut stuff I've been writing recently, and it's not even that HM fanfic (which I am still writing, oddly enough). In fact, it isn't fanfic at all. Which is good. You should read it. It's a whole two reading levels higher than my NaNoWriMo novel (according to the Google Docs tool that assesses stuff like that; it's 7th grade reading level whilst my NaNo is grade 5). I like it. It's hard! But worth it!
Anyway, I think I'm going to start making most of my posts friends only. Mostly because my mom thinks I don't know my way around the internet, and we had the "Be careful what you show other people!" conversation the other day, to which I replied, "You know you can't even see half the stuff I post to my LJ, right? Yeah, I thought you didn't. Don't talk to me about 'filters', I grew up with this internet thing, bitch," but not in quite so many words.
Why do I make my mom so mad these days? It seems like every word out of my mouth is "biting her head off". When did this happen? It makes me sad. Can I not talk to my mom about stuff that's bothering me anymore? If I'm not allowed to complain to her, who am I supposed to talk to? She feels like every time I'm upset, I'm yelling at or being snarky with her. Which is, you know, just more upsetting, so every time we talk I end up in an even fouler mood than I went in with. I miss my mom. Or have I changed? Perhaps the bitterness is taking over my very personality. Has anyone else noticed this? I mean, yes. I'm bitter. I've been somewhat jaded, I guess. But I don't think I've gotten... nasty. Not that I can't get nasty, oh no, I do, so don't go telling me about that (I'm aware). But, just, in general, not including PMS bullshit? She got me on (actual quote, with "quotes") "'freedom of speech'" the other day. You know, "I know you really like to speak your mind about things" what? Um, yeah, I guess. I try pretty hard not to say stupid shit when it shouldn't be said- take any given moment at work, for example. So now I'm not allowed to voice my opinion on the poorly designed parking lot at the post office in the privacy of my own car? Oh, wait, but I didn't actually say "poor design"; I said the parking lot was "stupid", to which she gets an attitude and says, "Oh, right, it's 'stupid'." ...Excuse me? Um, yes. It is stupid. So are people who don't use their turn signals or who leave piles of sweaters on the floor of the fitting room. When I get offended at her getting offended (or whatever the hell it is) at me saying the parking lot is stupid, she goes off on how "everything is stupid" with me these days. At the time, I went off on how I ought to have said it was "poorly designed", sorry I didn't think to choose my words properly, but what she was really about was that apparently I think everything is stupid these days and how come people can't be less stupid and blah blah blah people suck fuck 'em.
Well, yeah. Not arguing with that.
But I don't talk about that all the time. I don't consider myself an overly negative person, really. I think I'm pretty well-balanced. Sure, when it comes to parking lots, they suck, it's a thing about driving I really really dislike doing. And rude customers. Don't like them. But I like my friends, and the people who pick up the sweater that they didn't even drop on the floor, or the lady who renews my faith in humanity by buying over $100 worth of clothes for this poor woman and her three kids randomly one day. That shit makes me cry (seriously, I almost broke down right there at my register that day, it was fucking awesome). I used to really enjoy my family a lot of the time.
I'm going to try just cutting the word "stupid" out of my vocabulary. I bet that I'll be able to get away with exactly the same amount of negativity if I don't draw her attention to it by using the word "stupid". But even that isn't it, really. There's some deep, nagging, thing that's wedged itself between my mom and me and I don't know what it is. It makes me really really sad. Because I love my mom. And I love being able to talk to her. And it upsets me that she gets so... offended by things I don't mean to offend her with. And every time I try to talk to her about it, apparently I say the wrong things, because if I try "you've never been bothered by this before" it's "well maybe I just don't want to put up with it anymore", and if it's "I'm sorry, I don't mean to" then "maybe you should pay more attention to what you're saying". It doesn't help that we have vastly different personalities. I actually told her that I think my boldness just scares her because she's not that way. I don't think that's really true. Just because she can't project (oh my GOD, don't get my started on how soft she talks; with Dad slowly losing his hearing and her soft talking it's a miracle they can still talk at all) doesn't mean she can't get a point across, and she will. She's no chicken. And, hell, she's probably right; I know I talk a lot, and sometimes maybe I say things I shouldn't say. But I'd prefer to just... I don't know, let that be part of who I am? It hasn't really harmed me so far. Nope. Pretty sure I'm okay.
You know what, forget it. I'm not friend-locking this post. Maybe I want her to read this. Hi, Mom. I love you. I'm sorry. Oh, and you might not want to read that thing I linked up at the top there. Just, you know, to avoid awkwardness. Actually, do read it if you want. I'm pretty proud of it. It's not bad. Just maybe, don't tell me you did. Potentially awkward.
Right.
Shutting up, now.