(no subject)
Ben just called.
We talked. We didn't say much. He was upset about the fact that I didn't call in the last month. It was okay while I was travelling, but he fully expected my to call when I got back to Memphis, which was Thursday night. Fucking hell. That was a week ago.
I don't know why I didn't call. I missed him and I was dying to talk to him. I don't know why the fuck I didn't call.
I hate it when I have no explanation for my mistakes.
"I'm sorry," I said, and it didn't make anything remotely better.
He is hurt and sad and angry and disappointed. He didn't have a go at me for it, really. He just explained how it made him feel. And he doesn't deserve this.
I love him more than I have ever loved anyone in my entire life. Why do I mess things up like this?
I didn't call him the first day I got back to Memphis, and I didn't call him the second day. And with every day that passed I felt more awkward with calling, becasue I would have to explain why I didn't call.
He asked me how I would feel in a situation like this, and I know how much I would have been hurting. He asked why I didn't send any letters. Didn't I know that mail and phone were the only means of contact we had? I did. I do. I still don't know why I am that way.
And so I cried and said I'm sorry and that I hate that I can't offer him any kind of explanation.
I am scared to death.
I asked him if we're going to be okay, and he said of course we will.
I don't understand myself? Why do I hurt people like that, for no reason whatsoever.
If I end up messing up this wonderful, unique thing we have, I will never forgive myself. Becasue this is the best I have ever known. And wonderful things are fragile, and I know this, so why do I keep treating them with such little care?
I hurt, and I know that he hurts more. My heart breaks at the thought that I caused him pain.
I think this was the worst phone conversation I've ever had. Long silences, many appologies, no happy ending. I asked if we'd talk again tomorrow, and he asked back if he could call in a few hours, becasue he didn't want to sleep on a conversation like that. I was incredibly happy to hear that.
I love him. I know he loves me. But still I messed something up, and it's not gonna be okay. Maybe it's gonna be forgiven one day, but I'm sure he won't forget. Because I disappointed him. And I still have no fucking clue why I am like this.
I'm scared. At least I know that. I don't want to lose him. Ever. For anything. And when I say ever, I mean ever.
I want this whole being apart thing to be over. Forever.
We talked. We didn't say much. He was upset about the fact that I didn't call in the last month. It was okay while I was travelling, but he fully expected my to call when I got back to Memphis, which was Thursday night. Fucking hell. That was a week ago.
I don't know why I didn't call. I missed him and I was dying to talk to him. I don't know why the fuck I didn't call.
I hate it when I have no explanation for my mistakes.
"I'm sorry," I said, and it didn't make anything remotely better.
He is hurt and sad and angry and disappointed. He didn't have a go at me for it, really. He just explained how it made him feel. And he doesn't deserve this.
I love him more than I have ever loved anyone in my entire life. Why do I mess things up like this?
I didn't call him the first day I got back to Memphis, and I didn't call him the second day. And with every day that passed I felt more awkward with calling, becasue I would have to explain why I didn't call.
He asked me how I would feel in a situation like this, and I know how much I would have been hurting. He asked why I didn't send any letters. Didn't I know that mail and phone were the only means of contact we had? I did. I do. I still don't know why I am that way.
And so I cried and said I'm sorry and that I hate that I can't offer him any kind of explanation.
I am scared to death.
I asked him if we're going to be okay, and he said of course we will.
I don't understand myself? Why do I hurt people like that, for no reason whatsoever.
If I end up messing up this wonderful, unique thing we have, I will never forgive myself. Becasue this is the best I have ever known. And wonderful things are fragile, and I know this, so why do I keep treating them with such little care?
I hurt, and I know that he hurts more. My heart breaks at the thought that I caused him pain.
I think this was the worst phone conversation I've ever had. Long silences, many appologies, no happy ending. I asked if we'd talk again tomorrow, and he asked back if he could call in a few hours, becasue he didn't want to sleep on a conversation like that. I was incredibly happy to hear that.
I love him. I know he loves me. But still I messed something up, and it's not gonna be okay. Maybe it's gonna be forgiven one day, but I'm sure he won't forget. Because I disappointed him. And I still have no fucking clue why I am like this.
I'm scared. At least I know that. I don't want to lose him. Ever. For anything. And when I say ever, I mean ever.
I want this whole being apart thing to be over. Forever.