(no subject)
these last 7 days or so.. have not been awesome.
i mean with Greg's accident, which is so beyond upsetting,
and my run-in's with coke dealers//the guy at my work who keeps trying to have sex with me,
to boi drama, to having to go to my sister's grad with paul being there.
UGH.
can we go back and do it over?
and make everything better again.
i suppose not..
but if it were possible i'd be in.
i've been thinking..
in this world.. well in regards to love anyways..
the boys have the power.
sure we have it for a bit..
right at the very beginning where we can still play hard to get,
when we still have full ownership of our hearts.
but as soon as we let them in.. even just a little,
that's it, our power over them.. totally shot.
b/c then we care about them, and we want to make them happy,
we put their happiness before ours even as we wait knowing we will most likely be disappointed.
what they do not understand is that we do not trust them,
we are weary,
everytime we ask them to call, or they say that they will,
we wait, not to hear the phone ring, but to hear the silence,
to hear the lack of sound that is produced when all is quiet and the phone is still.
and when they call they prove us wrong, but only once.
the phone is hung up and the game begins again.
when they do not call,
when we fall asleep with our cellphones held tightly in our hand.
that is when they prove us right.
it is not surprising that this happens more often then the former.
this however is not the worst they can do some boys,
even the good ones can inflict unwavering pain upon those they promise they love,
some leave their wives, some their children.
while others stay and cause pain upon mounting pain within their home.
still others come into a home not their own, they take it for their own,
these boys they find weakness, it's as if they can sense it.
they wear a cunning mask and they take what isn't theirs.
and when the finally take it off, it is far too late for everyone involved.
the girl all grown up still cannot find the courage to leave when she knows she should,
she let's him stay and take and hurt,
sometimes not just her, sometimes children too.
they are pathetically trapped within a situation they did not choose,
they cannot make her see and they cannot leave,
slowly without knowing it they become like her,
a constant battle, an uphill war,
with every step it's steeper more impossible,
and finally when it's over they may not be broken,
but you certainly cannot say that they are without cracks.
they have endured what they should not have to,
for so very long that they know nothing else,
and so the cycle will begin again with them,
they have known nothing more then the wrong treatment,
then being controlled and abused and hurt.
as much as they faught, as much as they never let themselves give in,
as much as they do not believe that "they aren't worth anyones time"
as much as they know they aren't "lying little bitches" or "lousy ungrateful fucking whores".
they know that there must be something wrong with them to have this said so many times.
isn't their always some truth in lies.
so when they go out into the world when they find a boy,
and he hurts them they do not fight it,
it is as if they've faught for so long it's not worth it to fight anymore.
they are too tired before they've begun.
however sometimes we're strong, sometimes we walk away, but it hurts us far more then them.
this is not to say that all boys are horrible, and that all girls are good,
i'm only making the point that when it comes to love, when it comes to a girl loving a boy, or even just caring about them.
she is virtually powerless to stop him from hurting her,
b/c she will let him, b/c she would rather hurt then have him hurt.
b/c even as he betrays her she wonders if he is okay.
even as he lies she tries desperately to believe.
and when he is in pain, when he needs someone she will be there,
not because he deserves it, she knows he does not, but because despite reason and fact she will sacrifice her heart for his meanial pleasure.
it is very possible that he doesn't know how much he hurts her or has hurt her.
it's probably true that when he does the things he does they are not to hurt her but simply because he cannot resist.
this however puzzles her.
she cannot see how someone who she cares for who promised her no pain or heartache can turn around and cause her those very things.
and yes when she finds out she will be mad,
she'll be hurt, she'll scream and rant, and promise never to see him again,
all the whil hoping he'll call her,
hoping that his explanation will be good enough to pass as the truth,
hoping to cling to lies, and half truths so as not to loose something she thinks she needs so much.
the worst and admittedly most pathetic part is that once everything has sunk in,
once she is done with all the anger and indignation,
she cannot leave,
partly for herself because she does not know what she will do without him,
partly because she thinks that he may still care enough,
and partly because she cannot hurt him.
even as she feels the sting of all the things he's done to her,
she cannot inflict the pain that it would cause him if she were to leave him.
and so things begin again, and she is hurt again, and she cries again, and she screams again, and she forgives again, because she can do nothing else, she gave up her power.
i mean with Greg's accident, which is so beyond upsetting,
and my run-in's with coke dealers//the guy at my work who keeps trying to have sex with me,
to boi drama, to having to go to my sister's grad with paul being there.
UGH.
can we go back and do it over?
and make everything better again.
i suppose not..
but if it were possible i'd be in.
i've been thinking..
in this world.. well in regards to love anyways..
the boys have the power.
sure we have it for a bit..
right at the very beginning where we can still play hard to get,
when we still have full ownership of our hearts.
but as soon as we let them in.. even just a little,
that's it, our power over them.. totally shot.
b/c then we care about them, and we want to make them happy,
we put their happiness before ours even as we wait knowing we will most likely be disappointed.
what they do not understand is that we do not trust them,
we are weary,
everytime we ask them to call, or they say that they will,
we wait, not to hear the phone ring, but to hear the silence,
to hear the lack of sound that is produced when all is quiet and the phone is still.
and when they call they prove us wrong, but only once.
the phone is hung up and the game begins again.
when they do not call,
when we fall asleep with our cellphones held tightly in our hand.
that is when they prove us right.
it is not surprising that this happens more often then the former.
this however is not the worst they can do some boys,
even the good ones can inflict unwavering pain upon those they promise they love,
some leave their wives, some their children.
while others stay and cause pain upon mounting pain within their home.
still others come into a home not their own, they take it for their own,
these boys they find weakness, it's as if they can sense it.
they wear a cunning mask and they take what isn't theirs.
and when the finally take it off, it is far too late for everyone involved.
the girl all grown up still cannot find the courage to leave when she knows she should,
she let's him stay and take and hurt,
sometimes not just her, sometimes children too.
they are pathetically trapped within a situation they did not choose,
they cannot make her see and they cannot leave,
slowly without knowing it they become like her,
a constant battle, an uphill war,
with every step it's steeper more impossible,
and finally when it's over they may not be broken,
but you certainly cannot say that they are without cracks.
they have endured what they should not have to,
for so very long that they know nothing else,
and so the cycle will begin again with them,
they have known nothing more then the wrong treatment,
then being controlled and abused and hurt.
as much as they faught, as much as they never let themselves give in,
as much as they do not believe that "they aren't worth anyones time"
as much as they know they aren't "lying little bitches" or "lousy ungrateful fucking whores".
they know that there must be something wrong with them to have this said so many times.
isn't their always some truth in lies.
so when they go out into the world when they find a boy,
and he hurts them they do not fight it,
it is as if they've faught for so long it's not worth it to fight anymore.
they are too tired before they've begun.
however sometimes we're strong, sometimes we walk away, but it hurts us far more then them.
this is not to say that all boys are horrible, and that all girls are good,
i'm only making the point that when it comes to love, when it comes to a girl loving a boy, or even just caring about them.
she is virtually powerless to stop him from hurting her,
b/c she will let him, b/c she would rather hurt then have him hurt.
b/c even as he betrays her she wonders if he is okay.
even as he lies she tries desperately to believe.
and when he is in pain, when he needs someone she will be there,
not because he deserves it, she knows he does not, but because despite reason and fact she will sacrifice her heart for his meanial pleasure.
it is very possible that he doesn't know how much he hurts her or has hurt her.
it's probably true that when he does the things he does they are not to hurt her but simply because he cannot resist.
this however puzzles her.
she cannot see how someone who she cares for who promised her no pain or heartache can turn around and cause her those very things.
and yes when she finds out she will be mad,
she'll be hurt, she'll scream and rant, and promise never to see him again,
all the whil hoping he'll call her,
hoping that his explanation will be good enough to pass as the truth,
hoping to cling to lies, and half truths so as not to loose something she thinks she needs so much.
the worst and admittedly most pathetic part is that once everything has sunk in,
once she is done with all the anger and indignation,
she cannot leave,
partly for herself because she does not know what she will do without him,
partly because she thinks that he may still care enough,
and partly because she cannot hurt him.
even as she feels the sting of all the things he's done to her,
she cannot inflict the pain that it would cause him if she were to leave him.
and so things begin again, and she is hurt again, and she cries again, and she screams again, and she forgives again, because she can do nothing else, she gave up her power.