(no subject)

[caitl1n]

so instead of telling me then september 14 that he was scared, he waits until NOW. december 19.
its not even like thats something horrible to admit to your fiance.
i mean, if he had said that he cheated, or that he wasnt in love with me, okay, that i might not want to tell.
but scared? we could work through that.
all he had to do is talk to me.
all he had to do is tell me what is going on.

instead i am sitting alone by myself, crying myself to sleep for what? 4 months?
i dont want to throw away our relationship.
hell, im STILL in love with him
i was horrible to him. i was so mean.
i wish i hadnt been, but i was hurting so bad, and i guess i just wanted to see if he cared.
well he is stronger than me because he didnt let on that i even touched a nerve.

i dont know what im doing.

god.
please take the pain and the hurt away.
i want things back to normal.
i dont want to pretend like i didnt think he was my one.
because i did. i still do. i still think he is my one.
i dont know where i am.
home hurts.
but you god, you are faithful and just.
loving, and healing. forgiving and perfect.
i need you more than i ever have before.
i miss you.