random jokes i stole from some random kid
"I bought a doughnut and they gave me a receipt for the doughnut. I don't need a receipt for the doughnut - I'll just give you money and you give me the doughnut. End of transaction. We don't need to bring ink and paper into this. I can't imagine a scenario in which I would need to prove that I bought a doughnut. Some skeptical friend... 'don’t even act like I didn't buy a doughnut, I've got the documentation right here. Oh wait, it's back home in the file... under "D", for doughnut.'"
"I had a bag of Fritos. They were Texas Grilled Fritos. These Fritos had grill marks on them. Hell yeah. Reminds me of summer time, when we used to fire up the barbeque and throw down some Fritos. I can still see my dad with the apron on. 'Better flip that Frito, Dad. You know how I like mine.'"
"I like cinnamon rolls. That's why I wish they made, like, a cinnamon roll incense. 'Cause I don't always have time to make a pan. Perhaps I'd rather light a stick, and have my roommates wake up with false hopes."
"I like vending machines, because snacks are better when they fall. If I buy a candy bar at the store oftentimes I will drop it, so that it achieves its maximum flavor potential."
"I opened up a container of yogurt, and under the lid it said "Please Try Again" because they were having a contest I was unaware of. But I thought I might have opened the yogurt wrong, or maybe Yoplait was trying to inspire me. 'C'mon, Mitchell, don't give up. Please try again. A message of inspiration from your friends at Yoplait. Fruit on the bottom, hope on top.'"
"I think Pringles' initial intention was to make tennis balls. But on the day that the rubber was supposed to show up, a big truckload of potatoes arrived. But Pringles was a laid-back company. They said 'Fuck it. Cut 'em up.'"
"I like swiss cheese. It's the only cheese you can draw with a pencil and identify."
"I think Pizza Hut is the cockiest pizza chain on the planet, because Pizza Hut will accept all competitor's coupons. That makes me wish I had my own pizza place. 'Mitch's Pizzaria... This week's coupon: unlimited free pizza. Special Note: coupon not good at any of the Mitch's Pizza locations. Free pizza oven with purchase of a small Coke. Two-for Tuesday: buy one pizza, get one franchise free.'"
"I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn't have one. So I got a cake."
"I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long."
"I was in downtown Boise, Idaho, and I saw a duck, and I knew the duck was lost, 'cause ducks ain't s'posed to be downtown. There's nothin' for 'em there. So I went to a Subway sandwich shop, I said, 'Let me have a bun.' But she wouldn't sell me just the bun, she said that I had to have something on it. She told me it's against regulations for Subway to sell just the bun. I guess the two halves ain't supposed to touch. So I said, 'Alright, well, put some lettuce on it,' which she did. She said, 'That'll be $1.75.' I said, 'It's for a duck.' And they said, 'All right, well, that is free.' See, I did not know that. Ducks eat for free at Subway! Had I known that, I would have ordered a much larger sandwich. 'Let me have the Steak Fajita Sub - but don't bother ringing it up, it's for a duck! There are six ducks out there, and they all want Sun Chips!'"
"I hate turtlenecks. I have such a weak neck. Plus if you wear a turtleneck it's like being strangled by a really weak guy ... all day. And if you wear a turtleneck and a backpack it's like a weak midget trying to bring you down."
"I tried to walk into Target, but I missed. Damn."
"Whenever I walk, people try to hand me out flyers. And when someone tries to hand me out a flyer, it's kinda like they're saying, 'Here - you throw this away.'"
"Last week I helped my friend stay put. It's a lot easier than helping someone move. I just went over to his house and made sure that he did not start to load shit into a truck."
"I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're goin' and hook up with them later."
"I got my hair highlighted, because I felt some strands were more important than others."
"I want to be a race car passenger; just a guy who bugs the driver. 'Say man, can I turn on the radio? You should slow down. Why do we gotta keep going in circles? Man, you really like Tide ...'"
"I wrote a letter to my dad - I wanted to write, 'I really enjoy being here,' but I accidentally wrote rarely instead of really. But I still wanted to use it, I didn't want to cross it out, so I wrote, 'I rarely... drive steamboats, Dad - there's a lot of shit you don't know about me. Quit trying to act like I'm a steamboat operator.' This letter took a harsh turn right away. And then at the end of the letter I like to write 'P.S. - This is what part of the alphabet would look like if Q and R were eliminated.'"
"I got in an argument with a girlfriend inside of a tent. That's a bad place for an argument, because then I tried to walk out and slam the flap. How are you supposed to express your anger in this situation? Zipper it up really quick?"
"I type at 101 words a minute. But it's in my own language."
"I think Bigfoot is blurry, that's the problem. It's not the photographer's fault. Bigfoot is blurry. And that's extra scary to me, because there's a large, out-of-focus monster roaming the countryside. Run. He's fuzzy. Get outta here."
"I have an underwater camera just in case I crash my car into a river, and at the last minute I see a photo opportunity of a fish that I have never seen."
"One time a guy handed me a picture of himself, and he said, 'Here's a picture of me when I was younger.' Every picture of you is of when you were younger. Here's a picture of me when I am older. You son of a bitch."
"Sometimes I wave to people I don't know. It is very dangerous to wave to people you don't know, because what if they don't have a hand? They'll think you're cocky. 'Look what I got motherfucker, this thing is useful...I'm gonna go pick something up.'"
"I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it."
"An escalator can never break. It can only become stairs. You would never see an escalator 'Temporarily Out of Order' sign, just 'Escalator Temporarily Stairs... Sorry for the Convenience ... We apologize for the fact that you can still get up there.'"
"I was walking down the street with my friend and he said "I hear music." As though there's any other way to take it in. You're not special. That's how I receive it too ... I tried to taste it, but it did not work."
"2-in-1 is a bullshit term, because 1 is not big enough to hold 2. That's why 2 was created."
"I know a lot about cars. I can look at a car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming."
"I use the word totally too much. I need to change it up and use a word that is different but has the same meaning. 'Mitch do you like submarine sandwhiches?' 'All-encompassingly.'"
"I saw a human pyramid once. It was very unnecessary. It did not need to exist."
"At my hotel room, my friend came over and asked to use the phone. I said 'Certainly.' He said 'Do I need to dial 9?' I say 'Yeah. Especially if it's in the number. You can try 4 and 5 back to back real quick.'"
"My lucky number is 4 billion. That doesn't come in real handy when you're gambling. 'Come on, 4 billion! Fuck. Seven. Not even close. I need more dice.'"
"I went to the park and saw this kid flying a kite. The kid was really excited. I don't know why, that's what they're supposed to do. Now if he had had a chair on the other end of that string, I would have been impressed."
"If you had a friend who was a tightrope walker, and you were walking down a sidewalk, and he fell, that would be completely unacceptable."
"I don't own a cell phone or a pager. I just hang around everyone I know, all the time. If someone needs to get a hold of me they just say 'Mitch,' and I say 'What?' and turn my head slightly."
"I hope the next time I move I get a real easy phone number. Something like, 222-2222. I would say 'sweet.' People would say, 'Mitch, how do I get a hold of you?' I would say, 'Press 2 for a while, and when I answer, you will know that you have pressed 2 enough.'
"I wrote a script for a guy, and he said he liked it but he thought that I need to rewrite it. I said, 'Fuck that, I'll just make a copy.'"
"Foosball fucked up my perception of soccer. I thought you had to kick the ball and then spin 'round and round. I can't do a back flip, much less several ... simultaneously with two other guys."
"The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how much I play, I'll never be as good as a wall. I played a wall once. They're fucking relentless."
"I used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to, too."
"My friend said to me, 'You know what I like? Mashed potatoes.' I was like, 'Dude, you have to give me time to guess. If you're going to quiz me you have to insert a pause.'"
"People teach their dogs to sit, it's a trick. I've been sitting my whole life, and a dog has never looked at me as though he thought I was tricky."
"Alcoholism is a disease, but it's the only one you can get yelled at for having. 'Goddamn it Otto, you are an alcoholic.' 'Goddamn it Otto, you have Cancer' ... one of those two doesn't sound right."
"I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, 'You're gonna have to move, you're blocking a fire exit.' As though if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you're flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit."
"See, I write jokes for a living, man. I sit in my hotel at night and think of something that's funny and then I go get a pen and write 'em down. Or, if the pen's too far away, I have to convince myself that what I thought of ain't funny."
"I bought myself a parrot. The parrot talked. But it did not say, 'I'm hungry,' so it died."
"They say that the recipe for Sprite is lemon and lime. But I tried to make it at home. There's more to it than that. 'Hey, you want some Sprite man?' 'Not until you figure out what else is in it!'"
"Acid really messes with your mind, man. When I was on acid, I'd see things that looked like beams of light... and I'd hear things that sound an awful lot like car horns."
"I had a bag of Fritos. They were Texas Grilled Fritos. These Fritos had grill marks on them. Hell yeah. Reminds me of summer time, when we used to fire up the barbeque and throw down some Fritos. I can still see my dad with the apron on. 'Better flip that Frito, Dad. You know how I like mine.'"
"I like cinnamon rolls. That's why I wish they made, like, a cinnamon roll incense. 'Cause I don't always have time to make a pan. Perhaps I'd rather light a stick, and have my roommates wake up with false hopes."
"I like vending machines, because snacks are better when they fall. If I buy a candy bar at the store oftentimes I will drop it, so that it achieves its maximum flavor potential."
"I opened up a container of yogurt, and under the lid it said "Please Try Again" because they were having a contest I was unaware of. But I thought I might have opened the yogurt wrong, or maybe Yoplait was trying to inspire me. 'C'mon, Mitchell, don't give up. Please try again. A message of inspiration from your friends at Yoplait. Fruit on the bottom, hope on top.'"
"I think Pringles' initial intention was to make tennis balls. But on the day that the rubber was supposed to show up, a big truckload of potatoes arrived. But Pringles was a laid-back company. They said 'Fuck it. Cut 'em up.'"
"I like swiss cheese. It's the only cheese you can draw with a pencil and identify."
"I think Pizza Hut is the cockiest pizza chain on the planet, because Pizza Hut will accept all competitor's coupons. That makes me wish I had my own pizza place. 'Mitch's Pizzaria... This week's coupon: unlimited free pizza. Special Note: coupon not good at any of the Mitch's Pizza locations. Free pizza oven with purchase of a small Coke. Two-for Tuesday: buy one pizza, get one franchise free.'"
"I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn't have one. So I got a cake."
"I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long."
"I was in downtown Boise, Idaho, and I saw a duck, and I knew the duck was lost, 'cause ducks ain't s'posed to be downtown. There's nothin' for 'em there. So I went to a Subway sandwich shop, I said, 'Let me have a bun.' But she wouldn't sell me just the bun, she said that I had to have something on it. She told me it's against regulations for Subway to sell just the bun. I guess the two halves ain't supposed to touch. So I said, 'Alright, well, put some lettuce on it,' which she did. She said, 'That'll be $1.75.' I said, 'It's for a duck.' And they said, 'All right, well, that is free.' See, I did not know that. Ducks eat for free at Subway! Had I known that, I would have ordered a much larger sandwich. 'Let me have the Steak Fajita Sub - but don't bother ringing it up, it's for a duck! There are six ducks out there, and they all want Sun Chips!'"
"I hate turtlenecks. I have such a weak neck. Plus if you wear a turtleneck it's like being strangled by a really weak guy ... all day. And if you wear a turtleneck and a backpack it's like a weak midget trying to bring you down."
"I tried to walk into Target, but I missed. Damn."
"Whenever I walk, people try to hand me out flyers. And when someone tries to hand me out a flyer, it's kinda like they're saying, 'Here - you throw this away.'"
"Last week I helped my friend stay put. It's a lot easier than helping someone move. I just went over to his house and made sure that he did not start to load shit into a truck."
"I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're goin' and hook up with them later."
"I got my hair highlighted, because I felt some strands were more important than others."
"I want to be a race car passenger; just a guy who bugs the driver. 'Say man, can I turn on the radio? You should slow down. Why do we gotta keep going in circles? Man, you really like Tide ...'"
"I wrote a letter to my dad - I wanted to write, 'I really enjoy being here,' but I accidentally wrote rarely instead of really. But I still wanted to use it, I didn't want to cross it out, so I wrote, 'I rarely... drive steamboats, Dad - there's a lot of shit you don't know about me. Quit trying to act like I'm a steamboat operator.' This letter took a harsh turn right away. And then at the end of the letter I like to write 'P.S. - This is what part of the alphabet would look like if Q and R were eliminated.'"
"I got in an argument with a girlfriend inside of a tent. That's a bad place for an argument, because then I tried to walk out and slam the flap. How are you supposed to express your anger in this situation? Zipper it up really quick?"
"I type at 101 words a minute. But it's in my own language."
"I think Bigfoot is blurry, that's the problem. It's not the photographer's fault. Bigfoot is blurry. And that's extra scary to me, because there's a large, out-of-focus monster roaming the countryside. Run. He's fuzzy. Get outta here."
"I have an underwater camera just in case I crash my car into a river, and at the last minute I see a photo opportunity of a fish that I have never seen."
"One time a guy handed me a picture of himself, and he said, 'Here's a picture of me when I was younger.' Every picture of you is of when you were younger. Here's a picture of me when I am older. You son of a bitch."
"Sometimes I wave to people I don't know. It is very dangerous to wave to people you don't know, because what if they don't have a hand? They'll think you're cocky. 'Look what I got motherfucker, this thing is useful...I'm gonna go pick something up.'"
"I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it."
"An escalator can never break. It can only become stairs. You would never see an escalator 'Temporarily Out of Order' sign, just 'Escalator Temporarily Stairs... Sorry for the Convenience ... We apologize for the fact that you can still get up there.'"
"I was walking down the street with my friend and he said "I hear music." As though there's any other way to take it in. You're not special. That's how I receive it too ... I tried to taste it, but it did not work."
"2-in-1 is a bullshit term, because 1 is not big enough to hold 2. That's why 2 was created."
"I know a lot about cars. I can look at a car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming."
"I use the word totally too much. I need to change it up and use a word that is different but has the same meaning. 'Mitch do you like submarine sandwhiches?' 'All-encompassingly.'"
"I saw a human pyramid once. It was very unnecessary. It did not need to exist."
"At my hotel room, my friend came over and asked to use the phone. I said 'Certainly.' He said 'Do I need to dial 9?' I say 'Yeah. Especially if it's in the number. You can try 4 and 5 back to back real quick.'"
"My lucky number is 4 billion. That doesn't come in real handy when you're gambling. 'Come on, 4 billion! Fuck. Seven. Not even close. I need more dice.'"
"I went to the park and saw this kid flying a kite. The kid was really excited. I don't know why, that's what they're supposed to do. Now if he had had a chair on the other end of that string, I would have been impressed."
"If you had a friend who was a tightrope walker, and you were walking down a sidewalk, and he fell, that would be completely unacceptable."
"I don't own a cell phone or a pager. I just hang around everyone I know, all the time. If someone needs to get a hold of me they just say 'Mitch,' and I say 'What?' and turn my head slightly."
"I hope the next time I move I get a real easy phone number. Something like, 222-2222. I would say 'sweet.' People would say, 'Mitch, how do I get a hold of you?' I would say, 'Press 2 for a while, and when I answer, you will know that you have pressed 2 enough.'
"I wrote a script for a guy, and he said he liked it but he thought that I need to rewrite it. I said, 'Fuck that, I'll just make a copy.'"
"Foosball fucked up my perception of soccer. I thought you had to kick the ball and then spin 'round and round. I can't do a back flip, much less several ... simultaneously with two other guys."
"The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how much I play, I'll never be as good as a wall. I played a wall once. They're fucking relentless."
"I used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to, too."
"My friend said to me, 'You know what I like? Mashed potatoes.' I was like, 'Dude, you have to give me time to guess. If you're going to quiz me you have to insert a pause.'"
"People teach their dogs to sit, it's a trick. I've been sitting my whole life, and a dog has never looked at me as though he thought I was tricky."
"Alcoholism is a disease, but it's the only one you can get yelled at for having. 'Goddamn it Otto, you are an alcoholic.' 'Goddamn it Otto, you have Cancer' ... one of those two doesn't sound right."
"I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, 'You're gonna have to move, you're blocking a fire exit.' As though if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you're flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit."
"See, I write jokes for a living, man. I sit in my hotel at night and think of something that's funny and then I go get a pen and write 'em down. Or, if the pen's too far away, I have to convince myself that what I thought of ain't funny."
"I bought myself a parrot. The parrot talked. But it did not say, 'I'm hungry,' so it died."
"They say that the recipe for Sprite is lemon and lime. But I tried to make it at home. There's more to it than that. 'Hey, you want some Sprite man?' 'Not until you figure out what else is in it!'"
"Acid really messes with your mind, man. When I was on acid, I'd see things that looked like beams of light... and I'd hear things that sound an awful lot like car horns."