(no subject)
You know who Sarah is? Sarah is the person whom everyone unloads their shit on, who lends an ear and will nod in all the right places and give advice and be as helpful as possible. That's who I am. I feel like that's all I'm known for.
Because so very rarely do I ever get asked how things are going with me, and if I do, it'll be a quick sentence and then it's back to whatever issue or momentous occasion or celebration that's going on in someone else's life. And maybe that's my fault. Maybe I don't press enough. Hey, I'm having a shitty time today/this week. Here's the specifics. But I guess most of the time I just don't feel my issues are worthy of anyone else's attention, or that I have the energy to work up to explain it all.
I'm so so good at stuffing everything so deep down that I occasionally have these minor internal panic attacks and I just want to take the next plane home and cry on my mom's shoulder. I'm just so... tired. So tired. I hate my job. I hate that I can't find a job that I like. I hate that I'm back with Starbucks. I hate that I feel like I'm not developing as a person in an occupation while everyone else is having minor/major life successes. I job hunt, obviously, but it's not going anywhere fast. I guess maybe I'm terrified of failure, of finding a job I REALLY want but not being qualified (because let's face it, my resume is pretty fucking awful and I am not qualified for a lot of stuff), or of finding a position somewhere and being terrible at it, OR of finding a position and hating it.
I lack confidence and self-worth and I have no idea how to even approach fixing it.
Blah. I'm not so depressed or upset as this post would make it seem. Just one of those minor internal panic attacks that had to manifest somehow.
Starbucks is killing me slowly because of a multitude of reasons. I work with people who have no regard for the schedule. Nearly EVERY SINGLE SHIFT someone is either late or is a no-call-no-show. In my 5+ years in working for the company, I have never dealt with something like this.
(And, sidenote, it infuriates me to NO END when friends/whoever tell me to just "call out" because I have a conflicting event with my work and personal schedule. NO. That's not how this job works. It's not like Apple, where you have 300 people milling about and, whups, Bob couldn't show up today, that's cool, there's still 299 more workers here to help! When we're down a person, it fucks everything up. EVERYTHING. The entire day.)
My boss, of course, does nothing about the scheduling issues, as we're so pressed for workers that letting someone go would mess up her scheduling for the store. And without going into too much detail, our back room is so tiny that we have so little storage space, making inventory and ordering an absolute nightmare, as everything is just thrown into any nook and cranny we can find. And when your store makes $45-$50K a week? When it's that busy? Nightmare. Absolute nightmare. Ever since I've started, I've felt like I've barely kept my head above the rising tide. All for a ridiculous hourly pay.
And then I feel like I shouldn't complain because there's that voice that says, At least you HAVE a job and Other people have it so much worse than you. But this is awful. The amount of times I've almost broken down crying in frustration while behind the counter? Too many.
Compounded with not having a damn clue what I want to do with my life and being underqualified and not having the confidence to pretend I AM qualified and everyone keeps telling me I'm smart and clever to find good jobs, but I don't feel smart and clever, I feel so very very unsmart and unclever.
There are other good things about my life right now, I promise; I love New York even though I am desperately homesick and miss my family quite often, and I do fun things and have good people. But this is a giant stress ball sitting on my shoulders, and I'm like... I'm 27 years old. You would think by now I'd have a job with a little more financial stability, because lol, I am getting paid so little lol lol lol.
So, sorry/not sorry/but actually sorry I swear next time I update I'll have less things to whine about and better news. Meh. #MEH
Because so very rarely do I ever get asked how things are going with me, and if I do, it'll be a quick sentence and then it's back to whatever issue or momentous occasion or celebration that's going on in someone else's life. And maybe that's my fault. Maybe I don't press enough. Hey, I'm having a shitty time today/this week. Here's the specifics. But I guess most of the time I just don't feel my issues are worthy of anyone else's attention, or that I have the energy to work up to explain it all.
I'm so so good at stuffing everything so deep down that I occasionally have these minor internal panic attacks and I just want to take the next plane home and cry on my mom's shoulder. I'm just so... tired. So tired. I hate my job. I hate that I can't find a job that I like. I hate that I'm back with Starbucks. I hate that I feel like I'm not developing as a person in an occupation while everyone else is having minor/major life successes. I job hunt, obviously, but it's not going anywhere fast. I guess maybe I'm terrified of failure, of finding a job I REALLY want but not being qualified (because let's face it, my resume is pretty fucking awful and I am not qualified for a lot of stuff), or of finding a position somewhere and being terrible at it, OR of finding a position and hating it.
I lack confidence and self-worth and I have no idea how to even approach fixing it.
Blah. I'm not so depressed or upset as this post would make it seem. Just one of those minor internal panic attacks that had to manifest somehow.
Starbucks is killing me slowly because of a multitude of reasons. I work with people who have no regard for the schedule. Nearly EVERY SINGLE SHIFT someone is either late or is a no-call-no-show. In my 5+ years in working for the company, I have never dealt with something like this.
(And, sidenote, it infuriates me to NO END when friends/whoever tell me to just "call out" because I have a conflicting event with my work and personal schedule. NO. That's not how this job works. It's not like Apple, where you have 300 people milling about and, whups, Bob couldn't show up today, that's cool, there's still 299 more workers here to help! When we're down a person, it fucks everything up. EVERYTHING. The entire day.)
My boss, of course, does nothing about the scheduling issues, as we're so pressed for workers that letting someone go would mess up her scheduling for the store. And without going into too much detail, our back room is so tiny that we have so little storage space, making inventory and ordering an absolute nightmare, as everything is just thrown into any nook and cranny we can find. And when your store makes $45-$50K a week? When it's that busy? Nightmare. Absolute nightmare. Ever since I've started, I've felt like I've barely kept my head above the rising tide. All for a ridiculous hourly pay.
And then I feel like I shouldn't complain because there's that voice that says, At least you HAVE a job and Other people have it so much worse than you. But this is awful. The amount of times I've almost broken down crying in frustration while behind the counter? Too many.
Compounded with not having a damn clue what I want to do with my life and being underqualified and not having the confidence to pretend I AM qualified and everyone keeps telling me I'm smart and clever to find good jobs, but I don't feel smart and clever, I feel so very very unsmart and unclever.
There are other good things about my life right now, I promise; I love New York even though I am desperately homesick and miss my family quite often, and I do fun things and have good people. But this is a giant stress ball sitting on my shoulders, and I'm like... I'm 27 years old. You would think by now I'd have a job with a little more financial stability, because lol, I am getting paid so little lol lol lol.
So, sorry/not sorry/but actually sorry I swear next time I update I'll have less things to whine about and better news. Meh. #MEH