Fault and Disdain
You know, she's right when she says that I really have no desire to make friends. Which is sad, to be honest. Actually, thinking about it, it's not right. It's close. I don't have the drive to make friends. Desire, sure. Who doesn't want friends?
But ever since she said that last night, I've been thinking. Why do I have this rough, lip-curled exterior in social situations? I thought I was personable. What has bittered me so much to these situations that I'd rather just be comfortable instead of going out and being uncomfortable in a new setting and situation? I am uncomfortable in some social situations, especially when I don't know anyone. It was like that in Kansas City. Took me a while to really get into it. There was a gaming store across the street that I went to and hung out at. I didn't really start interacting with people there for a couple weeks, though. Why is that?
I can make excuses for now. The way I am now, here. Mason City sucks. It does. Most people around here don't do a whole lot, at least the people I know. They have families and sit at home and do nothing but just watch TV and sleep between bouts of work. Me, I don't even have work right now.
Oh good, now Nicole is logging on to talk to me.
This is exactly why I don't like having friends, or making new ones. Nicole. I fell in love with her in one night. One fucking night back in 1999. Now she's asking me to go and get Sudafed so she can give it to a meth cooker and get some money. This is why I don't like people around here. They just befriend you because they want something from you, and when they got you hooked, they just keep coming back and using you.
I told Nicole I didn't think it was such a good idea.
Things with Sam seem so up and down. It's hard to tell sometimes. It's been so long since I've actually had a real honest to Christ relationship that I'm still rusty. Not to mention the fact it's a completely different lifestyle that I'm not sure I can pull off, at least to what Sam is wanting. She needs someone that can do more than I can. I thought I was dominant. What I've come to realize is that I'm not so much dominant as just disdainful and apathetic. Neither of those is very good in a dominant.
So what am I? What kind of seeds have been planted in me? Sam pointed out that she believes I've isolated myself ever since my father died, and I have. After he passed, I shut myself in my room and closed off the world. When my grandmother died later that year, it just pushed me further away. Then there was Katie...
One problem is that if you make yourself an outcast, others will treat you as an outcast. Other than my close friends, I was shunned, and it hurt. I was impressionable as a kid and the pain of being rejected and made fun of because of my body and my shyness just drove me further inward to the point that when I began to latch on to people, I was setting myself up for deep depression that would lead to "suicide attempts" that were nothing more than cries for help.
Then college... gah. What a mix of emotions and situations. First, finally feeling strong friendships form, and then connections with more than one person, turning to love with Yenia, and then losing all that and replacing it with drugs and other "friends" that just put that old feeling back into me. Disdain.
Then moving back here, finding everyone I ever knew was gone or too busy to hang out with. Finding everyone had changed, including me, and things could never be the same. Then Nicole, and then Amy.
Is it my fault? Yes. Everything is my fault, at least that's the way it feels. I make so many mistakes day in and day out that there are days that I do feel like ending it all. Or at least just shutting down and not letting myself feel anything. Why should I feel? It's not like it really does me any good. All people do is use you and then decide you're not worth it anymore.
I can feel my walls going up, but I'm not sure I want them to. I -like- having friends. The problem, as I see it, is that I'm so jaded, so disdainful of people in general that I just feel more comfortable being on my own, or having just a couple friends that I talk to when I feel like it. Is that selfish? Hell yes. I get into doing things and get interrupted and I get snappy. My fault? Yes. Everything is my fault.
Put the blame on me, folks. I do. I'm used to it. Just let me drive myself further into isolation and away from this world all you guys share. I'm selfish, anti-social, disdainful, and the fault of everything that's ever happened to me.
But ever since she said that last night, I've been thinking. Why do I have this rough, lip-curled exterior in social situations? I thought I was personable. What has bittered me so much to these situations that I'd rather just be comfortable instead of going out and being uncomfortable in a new setting and situation? I am uncomfortable in some social situations, especially when I don't know anyone. It was like that in Kansas City. Took me a while to really get into it. There was a gaming store across the street that I went to and hung out at. I didn't really start interacting with people there for a couple weeks, though. Why is that?
I can make excuses for now. The way I am now, here. Mason City sucks. It does. Most people around here don't do a whole lot, at least the people I know. They have families and sit at home and do nothing but just watch TV and sleep between bouts of work. Me, I don't even have work right now.
Oh good, now Nicole is logging on to talk to me.
This is exactly why I don't like having friends, or making new ones. Nicole. I fell in love with her in one night. One fucking night back in 1999. Now she's asking me to go and get Sudafed so she can give it to a meth cooker and get some money. This is why I don't like people around here. They just befriend you because they want something from you, and when they got you hooked, they just keep coming back and using you.
I told Nicole I didn't think it was such a good idea.
Things with Sam seem so up and down. It's hard to tell sometimes. It's been so long since I've actually had a real honest to Christ relationship that I'm still rusty. Not to mention the fact it's a completely different lifestyle that I'm not sure I can pull off, at least to what Sam is wanting. She needs someone that can do more than I can. I thought I was dominant. What I've come to realize is that I'm not so much dominant as just disdainful and apathetic. Neither of those is very good in a dominant.
So what am I? What kind of seeds have been planted in me? Sam pointed out that she believes I've isolated myself ever since my father died, and I have. After he passed, I shut myself in my room and closed off the world. When my grandmother died later that year, it just pushed me further away. Then there was Katie...
One problem is that if you make yourself an outcast, others will treat you as an outcast. Other than my close friends, I was shunned, and it hurt. I was impressionable as a kid and the pain of being rejected and made fun of because of my body and my shyness just drove me further inward to the point that when I began to latch on to people, I was setting myself up for deep depression that would lead to "suicide attempts" that were nothing more than cries for help.
Then college... gah. What a mix of emotions and situations. First, finally feeling strong friendships form, and then connections with more than one person, turning to love with Yenia, and then losing all that and replacing it with drugs and other "friends" that just put that old feeling back into me. Disdain.
Then moving back here, finding everyone I ever knew was gone or too busy to hang out with. Finding everyone had changed, including me, and things could never be the same. Then Nicole, and then Amy.
Is it my fault? Yes. Everything is my fault, at least that's the way it feels. I make so many mistakes day in and day out that there are days that I do feel like ending it all. Or at least just shutting down and not letting myself feel anything. Why should I feel? It's not like it really does me any good. All people do is use you and then decide you're not worth it anymore.
I can feel my walls going up, but I'm not sure I want them to. I -like- having friends. The problem, as I see it, is that I'm so jaded, so disdainful of people in general that I just feel more comfortable being on my own, or having just a couple friends that I talk to when I feel like it. Is that selfish? Hell yes. I get into doing things and get interrupted and I get snappy. My fault? Yes. Everything is my fault.
Put the blame on me, folks. I do. I'm used to it. Just let me drive myself further into isolation and away from this world all you guys share. I'm selfish, anti-social, disdainful, and the fault of everything that's ever happened to me.