Heh (let's see if you get that after reading this)
Chew on this a moment before you actually read the rest: I bet you will think, after reading this, that I am full of myself and that I'm just blowing things out of proportion. Read on.
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What did vengeance ever really get me?
I have this unnerving headache that is keeping me from sleeping, and I keep thinking this. What has it really gotten me? Sure, I strike out at people that have hurt me, but does it do any good? I still feel the same guilt afterwards. I still feel like I've been a bad person, whatever that means.
Okay, yeah, sure I've been hurt in the past. I've had people leave me that I wanted to keep around. I've been stabbed in the back (not literally, unlike some people I've talked too), and left behind to rot. Then, as I have predicted, they come back. I'm not sure why they come back. I'd like to think it's because I am a good person and that I treated them well. They come to realize that I'm the best thing that's ever happened to them, so they come back to me and say things like, 'You were right', and 'I should have listened to you back then'.
But unfortunately, by then, it's too late. I saw Merielle as I was leaving work tonight, due to this same headache. She looked a lot different. She had gained some weight (which should be expected since she did have a child, and kicked a nasty meth habit), she had cut her hair, and she has recently kinda let herself go. She has some sores or zits on her face, like she has been so stressed that she has broken out. She came over to me, hugged me, and wanted my phone number, so I gave it to her. She told me she had left her fiancee and came back to town and was living with a friend for the time being.
All I could think was, "I told you I was right."
Same thing happens with Nicole every now and again. She'll call, or message me, and tell me how lousy her life is and how great I used to treat her. Well, you know what? Fuck off. If all I'm good for is a pick-me-up, then just leave me a-fucking-lone. She's married now, to a guy named Mike. She always wanted to be married and have a family. Now she's married to a meth dealer that doesn't even sleep in the same bed with her at night, and she can't get pregnant because of several reasons.
I told you I was right.
Then there's Crystal. Oh, who can forget my brief seven-month marriage? Kinda strange that I get married and fell in love with her daughter. Not in that way, but in the way a father falls in love with their daughter. The way he -should-. Poor kid. Crystal got hooked up with this other huge meth addict and dealer and drug her through all kinds of shit. Even though I was always civil around him, I never will like that son of a bitch. Calling your girlfriend a "stupid bitch" and telling her she's only worth sucking cock is not the way you fucking talk to someone I care about, especially my ex-fucking-wife. Sure, we're not together, but goddamn it, Twyla's as close to a daughter of mine as I'm ever going to get and if she grows up thinking that's the way a man is supposed to treat a woman, I swear by my father's grave, I will hunt you down and cut your nuts off with a pair of rusty, dull scissors.
When I came back to visit Iowa this last summer, I stayed with Crystal quite a bit. We actually started to get a bit closer again, which was refreshing. We never really had the time to get to know each other. One minute, we're boyfriend/girlfriend, and the next, we're standing at the altar of that church where Tom married us. Tom, what a loon. If there ever was someone that was truly God's Fool, it's Tom. Great guy. Just a little.. naive. Anyway..
So Crystal decides to drop the bomb of, "The only person I ever see myself marrying is Collier." Right in front of her then-boyfriend. Wow, what a shot to the system. Adrenaline and cocaine all at once. Loved it. For about a day.
Back and forth, back and forth. I know Crystal really has no feelings for me. They just aren't there. We love each other, sure, but I don't think it'll ever be like it was back in high school and college. It'll never be like that day at the altar. Which is sad, really. The only time I'll ever be married, and it was totally screwed within two days. Her mother, bless her heart, wanted Crystal to move in with me right away. Wrong move. I'm just glad I got the chance to fall in love with Twyla. God, she's a sweetheart. When she was two, I taught her to say, "I'm a heartbreaker." So damn cute.
So, anyway, Crystal is without a boyfriend, but now has this 40 year old girlfriend living with her. I just have to shake my head. Just keep this in mind in a few years, Crystal..
I told you I was right.
When are people going to actually start paying attention? Seriously. I might be somewhat out of the loop on a lot of things, but I have realized that I have the ability to see beyond people. I see to who they are, who they really are. I can read the things they are doing, and I can see where they are going. Why don't they listen to me? I'm not bitching and complaining. It isn't, "Oh me oh my, why doesn't anyone pay attention to me??" It's more like, "Don't you understand? Don't you see? I can see it, why can't you?"
Maybe it's the fact that I've been alone for so long that I have to analyze everyone else. I have to pay attention to every little nuance, every little facet that people show me of themselves. When I talk, I tend to be so subtle that no one can really understand what I'm really saying. Most of the time, everything I say has at least two meanings. It's just the way I am. But being subtle allows me to be able to see other people's subtleties, even when they don't see it themselves. Every little change, every little motion. Each is just a little glimpse into what the person is like. Study that, and you understand the person. Study your understanding of people, and you begin to understand humanity.
That's the point where I'm at. I've come to understand humanity. I could rail on and on (and have, sometimes) about how certain people will act a certain way. Take, for instance, Merielle, as I mentioned before. She was with this guy named Chad. Chad had an affair a few years ago, and Merielle only found out when the girl Chad cheated on Merielle with (a friend of both of theirs, incidentally), decided to tell Merielle before the two of them got married so they could both go into it with a clear conscious.
Merielle messages me up and tells me about this and I tell her, flat out, "If he's done it once, he's either done it twice, or he will." She said, I know, blah blah blah, but I'm in love with him. Fine. If that is the kind of person you want to love, then fine. Apparently, my interest in you wasn't good enough before you met Chad. Never cheated on a girlfriend, never even got myself in a situation where it could happen. But sure, if you want to stay with a cheater, go right a-fucking-head. I'll just see you in a couple months when you realize that you set the ground rules of "don't ever cheat on me", and he broke them.
Lo and behold, who should I see as I walk out of the store? Oh, hi, Merielle. Fancy seeing you back in town. Oh, you and Chad broke up? That's too bad, I'm sorry.
I told you I was right.
I can't count how many people have come up to me.. days, weeks, even years down the line.. and said, "You know what, you were right about this." Someday, someone is going to realize the insights I truly have into the being of man (and woman) and put it to good use. Maybe. I tell you what, though. All this understanding is driving me insane.
It feels so strange. So very strange.
I want to be on top of it all
I want to put my hand through to reach you
I want to be everything to everyone
but I know I'm nothing to you
How totally appropriate. Fifteen seconds, and I'm able to put my thoughts together and write something that defines me, in the form of a song lyric, no less. Maybe I should use that. Seems like it'd be powerful enough. To me, at least. So, back to the insightful thing.
There are some people I talk to that get it. Or at least, I think they do. Jack is one of them. He's the only person I know to be able to look at me and say, "Aw hell, he's about to come up with something totally insane and true." He's the only person I know that, while sitting around with a group of people, if I suddenly make a short-chuckle sound (what I call a 'heh'), he just knows that I've thought up something no one else has ever thought up before and that it's funny as hell. Most of the time, he'll ask what it is.
Krissi is the same way, I think. She is the one I actually am able to talk to more about things. She knows that I'm bi-sexual. Before I told Crystal last summer, she was the only one in Iowa that knew. She and I are able to just.. talk. No need to worry about things getting hot and heavy. No need to worry that Jack might get jealous. It's refreshing to know a woman that I can have a totally intimate (not sexual, just intimate) conversation with and not have to worry that they might be getting the wrong idea. She's so totally OPEN too. Not many people I know would admit (while standing behind the front counter at McDonalds, where she works) to occassionally going into the bathroom and "double-clicking the mouse", which is her expression for female masturbation. There's no one else I know that I can talk to freely and openly about anal sex and not end up in some kind of embarrassed or aroused silence.
Those are the only two people that truly know me. They know the real me more than anyone else does. Krissi knows a little more because Jack just isn't open about some stuff. Yet, there are things they don't know about me, things which I keep hidden from everyone. Everyone.
They know I have an amount of insight to the human condition, and they talk to me about it from time to time. They've even become students of humanity, themselves.
Oh, do you remember that first thing you read when you started? I hate to say this, but..
I told you I was right.
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What did vengeance ever really get me?
I have this unnerving headache that is keeping me from sleeping, and I keep thinking this. What has it really gotten me? Sure, I strike out at people that have hurt me, but does it do any good? I still feel the same guilt afterwards. I still feel like I've been a bad person, whatever that means.
Okay, yeah, sure I've been hurt in the past. I've had people leave me that I wanted to keep around. I've been stabbed in the back (not literally, unlike some people I've talked too), and left behind to rot. Then, as I have predicted, they come back. I'm not sure why they come back. I'd like to think it's because I am a good person and that I treated them well. They come to realize that I'm the best thing that's ever happened to them, so they come back to me and say things like, 'You were right', and 'I should have listened to you back then'.
But unfortunately, by then, it's too late. I saw Merielle as I was leaving work tonight, due to this same headache. She looked a lot different. She had gained some weight (which should be expected since she did have a child, and kicked a nasty meth habit), she had cut her hair, and she has recently kinda let herself go. She has some sores or zits on her face, like she has been so stressed that she has broken out. She came over to me, hugged me, and wanted my phone number, so I gave it to her. She told me she had left her fiancee and came back to town and was living with a friend for the time being.
All I could think was, "I told you I was right."
Same thing happens with Nicole every now and again. She'll call, or message me, and tell me how lousy her life is and how great I used to treat her. Well, you know what? Fuck off. If all I'm good for is a pick-me-up, then just leave me a-fucking-lone. She's married now, to a guy named Mike. She always wanted to be married and have a family. Now she's married to a meth dealer that doesn't even sleep in the same bed with her at night, and she can't get pregnant because of several reasons.
I told you I was right.
Then there's Crystal. Oh, who can forget my brief seven-month marriage? Kinda strange that I get married and fell in love with her daughter. Not in that way, but in the way a father falls in love with their daughter. The way he -should-. Poor kid. Crystal got hooked up with this other huge meth addict and dealer and drug her through all kinds of shit. Even though I was always civil around him, I never will like that son of a bitch. Calling your girlfriend a "stupid bitch" and telling her she's only worth sucking cock is not the way you fucking talk to someone I care about, especially my ex-fucking-wife. Sure, we're not together, but goddamn it, Twyla's as close to a daughter of mine as I'm ever going to get and if she grows up thinking that's the way a man is supposed to treat a woman, I swear by my father's grave, I will hunt you down and cut your nuts off with a pair of rusty, dull scissors.
When I came back to visit Iowa this last summer, I stayed with Crystal quite a bit. We actually started to get a bit closer again, which was refreshing. We never really had the time to get to know each other. One minute, we're boyfriend/girlfriend, and the next, we're standing at the altar of that church where Tom married us. Tom, what a loon. If there ever was someone that was truly God's Fool, it's Tom. Great guy. Just a little.. naive. Anyway..
So Crystal decides to drop the bomb of, "The only person I ever see myself marrying is Collier." Right in front of her then-boyfriend. Wow, what a shot to the system. Adrenaline and cocaine all at once. Loved it. For about a day.
Back and forth, back and forth. I know Crystal really has no feelings for me. They just aren't there. We love each other, sure, but I don't think it'll ever be like it was back in high school and college. It'll never be like that day at the altar. Which is sad, really. The only time I'll ever be married, and it was totally screwed within two days. Her mother, bless her heart, wanted Crystal to move in with me right away. Wrong move. I'm just glad I got the chance to fall in love with Twyla. God, she's a sweetheart. When she was two, I taught her to say, "I'm a heartbreaker." So damn cute.
So, anyway, Crystal is without a boyfriend, but now has this 40 year old girlfriend living with her. I just have to shake my head. Just keep this in mind in a few years, Crystal..
I told you I was right.
When are people going to actually start paying attention? Seriously. I might be somewhat out of the loop on a lot of things, but I have realized that I have the ability to see beyond people. I see to who they are, who they really are. I can read the things they are doing, and I can see where they are going. Why don't they listen to me? I'm not bitching and complaining. It isn't, "Oh me oh my, why doesn't anyone pay attention to me??" It's more like, "Don't you understand? Don't you see? I can see it, why can't you?"
Maybe it's the fact that I've been alone for so long that I have to analyze everyone else. I have to pay attention to every little nuance, every little facet that people show me of themselves. When I talk, I tend to be so subtle that no one can really understand what I'm really saying. Most of the time, everything I say has at least two meanings. It's just the way I am. But being subtle allows me to be able to see other people's subtleties, even when they don't see it themselves. Every little change, every little motion. Each is just a little glimpse into what the person is like. Study that, and you understand the person. Study your understanding of people, and you begin to understand humanity.
That's the point where I'm at. I've come to understand humanity. I could rail on and on (and have, sometimes) about how certain people will act a certain way. Take, for instance, Merielle, as I mentioned before. She was with this guy named Chad. Chad had an affair a few years ago, and Merielle only found out when the girl Chad cheated on Merielle with (a friend of both of theirs, incidentally), decided to tell Merielle before the two of them got married so they could both go into it with a clear conscious.
Merielle messages me up and tells me about this and I tell her, flat out, "If he's done it once, he's either done it twice, or he will." She said, I know, blah blah blah, but I'm in love with him. Fine. If that is the kind of person you want to love, then fine. Apparently, my interest in you wasn't good enough before you met Chad. Never cheated on a girlfriend, never even got myself in a situation where it could happen. But sure, if you want to stay with a cheater, go right a-fucking-head. I'll just see you in a couple months when you realize that you set the ground rules of "don't ever cheat on me", and he broke them.
Lo and behold, who should I see as I walk out of the store? Oh, hi, Merielle. Fancy seeing you back in town. Oh, you and Chad broke up? That's too bad, I'm sorry.
I told you I was right.
I can't count how many people have come up to me.. days, weeks, even years down the line.. and said, "You know what, you were right about this." Someday, someone is going to realize the insights I truly have into the being of man (and woman) and put it to good use. Maybe. I tell you what, though. All this understanding is driving me insane.
It feels so strange. So very strange.
I want to be on top of it all
I want to put my hand through to reach you
I want to be everything to everyone
but I know I'm nothing to you
How totally appropriate. Fifteen seconds, and I'm able to put my thoughts together and write something that defines me, in the form of a song lyric, no less. Maybe I should use that. Seems like it'd be powerful enough. To me, at least. So, back to the insightful thing.
There are some people I talk to that get it. Or at least, I think they do. Jack is one of them. He's the only person I know to be able to look at me and say, "Aw hell, he's about to come up with something totally insane and true." He's the only person I know that, while sitting around with a group of people, if I suddenly make a short-chuckle sound (what I call a 'heh'), he just knows that I've thought up something no one else has ever thought up before and that it's funny as hell. Most of the time, he'll ask what it is.
Krissi is the same way, I think. She is the one I actually am able to talk to more about things. She knows that I'm bi-sexual. Before I told Crystal last summer, she was the only one in Iowa that knew. She and I are able to just.. talk. No need to worry about things getting hot and heavy. No need to worry that Jack might get jealous. It's refreshing to know a woman that I can have a totally intimate (not sexual, just intimate) conversation with and not have to worry that they might be getting the wrong idea. She's so totally OPEN too. Not many people I know would admit (while standing behind the front counter at McDonalds, where she works) to occassionally going into the bathroom and "double-clicking the mouse", which is her expression for female masturbation. There's no one else I know that I can talk to freely and openly about anal sex and not end up in some kind of embarrassed or aroused silence.
Those are the only two people that truly know me. They know the real me more than anyone else does. Krissi knows a little more because Jack just isn't open about some stuff. Yet, there are things they don't know about me, things which I keep hidden from everyone. Everyone.
They know I have an amount of insight to the human condition, and they talk to me about it from time to time. They've even become students of humanity, themselves.
Oh, do you remember that first thing you read when you started? I hate to say this, but..
I told you I was right.