whose mistake am i, anyway?
Valentine's Day is approaching again, and I am still alone. I rarely put any kind of emotion into semi-holidays like Valentine's Day. To me, it seems like a good way for the chocolate companies to make some money before the big Easter rush. If I remember my history lessons correctly, the man who Valentine's Day is named after was something of a lady's man, and after having wooed the wrong woman into the bedchamber, was arrested and sentenced to death, either by beheading or hanging. I think it was beheading.
There isn't a lot of things that really bother me. At least, I used to think so. I've come to realize more parts of me... the baser emotions, the more animal instincts. Stripping away the "good guy" on the top, I've come to view the pieces underneath me, the blocks that are holding me up precariously. When I look down at them, they shudder a little bit under the scrutiny, and under my shifting weight. Like children's blocks, they are multi-faced, and on each face, there is a different symbol, standing for a different facet of my underneath.
Very carefully, I examine the blocks. I don't want to fall back into the animalistic side of myself. I have to admit, I like control. I like to feel like I'm God, or a god. The things the blocks tell me reaffirm what I am, instead of someone else.
Anger. I was surprised at how easily this emotion was brought to the surface. Yes, I was tired. It was time to go home. But someone I don't even know was able to rile me into anger so quickly. I nearly left my job last night because of it.
Fear. A sharp feeling, not unlike anger, but quite different as well. So many little things can cause fear on a small scale. It's the big ones that really shake you to your core, and me to mine as well.
Jealousy. I thought I was over this one. I thought this one wasn't a part of me anymore. Seems like I was wrong.
The Unnamed One. I can't figure out a name for this feeling. It's something like depression and sadness, but it also includes lonliness, powerlessness, frustration, and some others that I can't think of at the moment. This is the one that crashes into me every now and again, as it did last night. A sudden onrush of emotion that nearly knocked me to my knees. I feel like (felt like) collapsing and just curling up, closing my eyes and blocking out everything.
Why is it coming back to this? What has changed? What has made me feel this way? Powerless, angry, fearful? Is this some kind of carousel I'm travelling around on? Every so often, I feel great, every so often, I feel bad? It's like I have my own version of PMS, though it doesn't come around every month. In fact, the last time I felt like this was back... over two years ago, when Nicole "came back" into my life. I threw almost all my energy into trying to help her, figuring I owed her something. Maybe I did, for the way things ended, for the things I said to her. Sunk a lot of time and energy (not to mention money), and now she hardly ever talks to me.
Fuck this.
Why do I let things like this happen? Screw it, I'm putting up my walls. I'm putting up the barriers. I'm tired. I'm so very tired of all of this. Of being lonely, of being angry. Are these the true emotions below me?
What's become of me
lost in my own dark depths
where nothing can reach
and nothing can save
the angel changes faces
dripping sugar from her open hand
i bow my head to drink
and the honey turns to blood
the angel changes faces
and i know i've been fooled again
she loves to make me think
whose mistake am i anyway?
what's become of me
lost in my own confusion
where i can't reach anything
and the honey turns to blood
There isn't a lot of things that really bother me. At least, I used to think so. I've come to realize more parts of me... the baser emotions, the more animal instincts. Stripping away the "good guy" on the top, I've come to view the pieces underneath me, the blocks that are holding me up precariously. When I look down at them, they shudder a little bit under the scrutiny, and under my shifting weight. Like children's blocks, they are multi-faced, and on each face, there is a different symbol, standing for a different facet of my underneath.
Very carefully, I examine the blocks. I don't want to fall back into the animalistic side of myself. I have to admit, I like control. I like to feel like I'm God, or a god. The things the blocks tell me reaffirm what I am, instead of someone else.
Anger. I was surprised at how easily this emotion was brought to the surface. Yes, I was tired. It was time to go home. But someone I don't even know was able to rile me into anger so quickly. I nearly left my job last night because of it.
Fear. A sharp feeling, not unlike anger, but quite different as well. So many little things can cause fear on a small scale. It's the big ones that really shake you to your core, and me to mine as well.
Jealousy. I thought I was over this one. I thought this one wasn't a part of me anymore. Seems like I was wrong.
The Unnamed One. I can't figure out a name for this feeling. It's something like depression and sadness, but it also includes lonliness, powerlessness, frustration, and some others that I can't think of at the moment. This is the one that crashes into me every now and again, as it did last night. A sudden onrush of emotion that nearly knocked me to my knees. I feel like (felt like) collapsing and just curling up, closing my eyes and blocking out everything.
Why is it coming back to this? What has changed? What has made me feel this way? Powerless, angry, fearful? Is this some kind of carousel I'm travelling around on? Every so often, I feel great, every so often, I feel bad? It's like I have my own version of PMS, though it doesn't come around every month. In fact, the last time I felt like this was back... over two years ago, when Nicole "came back" into my life. I threw almost all my energy into trying to help her, figuring I owed her something. Maybe I did, for the way things ended, for the things I said to her. Sunk a lot of time and energy (not to mention money), and now she hardly ever talks to me.
Fuck this.
Why do I let things like this happen? Screw it, I'm putting up my walls. I'm putting up the barriers. I'm tired. I'm so very tired of all of this. Of being lonely, of being angry. Are these the true emotions below me?
What's become of me
lost in my own dark depths
where nothing can reach
and nothing can save
the angel changes faces
dripping sugar from her open hand
i bow my head to drink
and the honey turns to blood
the angel changes faces
and i know i've been fooled again
she loves to make me think
whose mistake am i anyway?
what's become of me
lost in my own confusion
where i can't reach anything
and the honey turns to blood