(no subject)
My counselor suggested that when I came home over break, I might run into some challenges regarding what we've worked on-- which is mostly me controlling the decisions I make and making the best one given the situation, and which I can live with later.
She was not wrong.
I don't know what's wrong with my friends. I think the group I thought was so close-knit we'd all stay friends forever, that I marveled never argued and always got along and was so perfectly balanced is actually an illusion (as I probably should have realized, but I am not wise). And they're all wonderful and lovely people and I love all of them but there are some wildly incompatible personalities. Maybe this is a recent happening, or maybe this was latent and we just had a really long "honeymoon period". But whatever it is, I'm pretty sure it's coming to a crisis point. Seeing this coming, I sat down and talked to a friend who doesn't know any of them, and decided that I have a limited number of choices. This is something the counselor taught me to do the first couple times I saw her, and helped me practice the times after that.
Choice: I can try to do something.
Result: It might not work, I might end up in the middle of multiple arguments, and I might lose friends. 100% chance I will have multiple episodes of tears and stress so severe I can only barely cope.
Choice: I can do nothing.
Result: I won't end up in the middle of everything. The group will sort itself out, or it won't. 100% chance I will still cry, less of a chance that it'll happen over and over and lead to things I can't deal with. I will probably keep all my friends. They may not get along, but I will have them. Some small subset will still get along, I'm sure.
Subchoice: I treat all of them with equal care and respect, I speak to none of them about each other. I refuse to play messenger owl, I refuse to explain or make excuses for actions, I refuse to offer opinions regarding behavior or anything else
Result: Someone might get pissed that I am acting like Switzerland, but I don't have much sympathy if they do because I have my own mental health to think about, too. I accept that none of my friends are perfect by witnessing them at what will probably be their worst, and assuming they aren't really heinous, figure I love them anyway, and besides, they love me, and I'm just a fucked up mess of a human being a lot of the time. We're all a little fucked up, and that's ok, because we're human. We all have flaws.
Subchoice: There really isn't another reasonable option, here.
I took a few deep breaths, after articulating this to my friend, and decided the second one. It'll be hard, because I always like to fix problems, and I just want them all to be ok, but they may just not all get along. That's something they have to decide themselves, and I'll be there for them while they do it, but I'm not going to point anyone in any direction. I /might/ give someone very careful advice /if/ they ask for it and I can tell they're really at a loss, or really upset. Or I might just tell them I'm not sure what to do and digitally hold their hand and tell them we'll all be okay.
And we will. We'll all be fine. This happens. It sucks, I hate it, but it happens.
Now I just need to practice the part where I don't blame myself for it.
She was not wrong.
I don't know what's wrong with my friends. I think the group I thought was so close-knit we'd all stay friends forever, that I marveled never argued and always got along and was so perfectly balanced is actually an illusion (as I probably should have realized, but I am not wise). And they're all wonderful and lovely people and I love all of them but there are some wildly incompatible personalities. Maybe this is a recent happening, or maybe this was latent and we just had a really long "honeymoon period". But whatever it is, I'm pretty sure it's coming to a crisis point. Seeing this coming, I sat down and talked to a friend who doesn't know any of them, and decided that I have a limited number of choices. This is something the counselor taught me to do the first couple times I saw her, and helped me practice the times after that.
Choice: I can try to do something.
Result: It might not work, I might end up in the middle of multiple arguments, and I might lose friends. 100% chance I will have multiple episodes of tears and stress so severe I can only barely cope.
Choice: I can do nothing.
Result: I won't end up in the middle of everything. The group will sort itself out, or it won't. 100% chance I will still cry, less of a chance that it'll happen over and over and lead to things I can't deal with. I will probably keep all my friends. They may not get along, but I will have them. Some small subset will still get along, I'm sure.
Subchoice: I treat all of them with equal care and respect, I speak to none of them about each other. I refuse to play messenger owl, I refuse to explain or make excuses for actions, I refuse to offer opinions regarding behavior or anything else
Result: Someone might get pissed that I am acting like Switzerland, but I don't have much sympathy if they do because I have my own mental health to think about, too. I accept that none of my friends are perfect by witnessing them at what will probably be their worst, and assuming they aren't really heinous, figure I love them anyway, and besides, they love me, and I'm just a fucked up mess of a human being a lot of the time. We're all a little fucked up, and that's ok, because we're human. We all have flaws.
Subchoice: There really isn't another reasonable option, here.
I took a few deep breaths, after articulating this to my friend, and decided the second one. It'll be hard, because I always like to fix problems, and I just want them all to be ok, but they may just not all get along. That's something they have to decide themselves, and I'll be there for them while they do it, but I'm not going to point anyone in any direction. I /might/ give someone very careful advice /if/ they ask for it and I can tell they're really at a loss, or really upset. Or I might just tell them I'm not sure what to do and digitally hold their hand and tell them we'll all be okay.
And we will. We'll all be fine. This happens. It sucks, I hate it, but it happens.
Now I just need to practice the part where I don't blame myself for it.