My reaction to COE - I'm so going to hell!!!
So, I went to work yesterday hoping for a quiet day because I felt the need to write fix it fic. I had a total blank on that front but I did come up with some reactional RPS which came from no where and tackled me from behind. I haven't written RPS in months since my muses abandoned me over the sequal to 'Changes' (which I will, one day finish and post. One day!) but this one sort of chased me round the office hitting me over the head going 'write me! write me!' So I have. It's very rough round the edges, unbetad, and written while I'm still feeling strongly over the resolution to series three. But I wrote it so I thought I may as well post it.
It is RPS so if thats not your cup of tea then stop reading here
Title: Admissions
Rating: PG-13
Spoilers: Through Children of Earth
Pairing: JB/GDL (JB/SG mentioned)
Words: 2657
Summary: John and Gareth get emotional over Torchwood Series 3 and admit to some of their deepest secrets.
Gareth had just settled down in front of the TV when his doorbell rang. To say he wasn't impressed would have been an understatement. He had a big evening planned which involved him, the television, alcohol and a big box of tissues, just in case. The plans did not involve visitors arriving at 5 minutes to 9. Who visited people this last at night?! It wasn't Gemma; she was visiting her parents and wasn't due back for a few days. Who else was it likely to be?
There was a large part of him that wanted to just ignore it and hope that whoever it was just went away however as the bell rang for a second time it became clear that that just wasn't going to happen.
With a deep huff Gareth pulled himself up from the sofa and stomped off towards the front door.
~x~x~x~x~
John rang the bell nervously. He'd hardly seen Gareth since their last day filming together, what with him not being able to make Torchsong and Gareth being ill on the day of the BFI previews. He knew the other man had been avoiding watching his final episode however and he figured that he may want company when he did.
It was for this reason that he was stood on Gareth's doorstep, pizza in one hand and pack of beers in the other. This reason alone. His visit had nothing to do with the fact that he missed the other man. Nothing to do with the fact that he kept having dreams about Gareth. Dreams which he knew, as a happily (for all intents and purposes) married man he should not be having.
After a few minutes, when Gareth still hadn't answered the door, he rang again. This time it was only a few seconds before the door was wrenched open to reveal Gareth, dressed in jeans and a t-shirt and looking, it had to be said, rather pissed off.
The two men stood and stared at each other for a few seconds in awkward silence before John could bear it no longer.
'Well, aren't you going to invite me in?' he asked.
Gareth just stood back and gestured John through the door. He hadn't expected to see John there and, in all honesty, inviting him in was the last thing he wanted to do. Still, he could hardly turn the man away could he. That wouldn't look odd at all.
John walked into the living room ahead of Gareth, and looked around with raised eyebrows. For the first time, he considered whether Gareth really wanted him there. There were times you wanted to be alone. Was this one of those times for Gareth? Surely not, he thought. Best to check though.
'Ready for an evening of brooding?' he asked Gareth with a gentle smile. 'You don't mind me crashing do you?'
Gareth closed his eyes and sighed, breathing deeply as he thought things through. He really didn't want John there but at the same time he wasn't sure he wanted to be alone this evening. Opening his eyes, he looked the older man in the eyes.
'No. Think I could use the company to be honest.'
John nodded and without saying another word sat down, dropping the pizza box gently onto the coffee table and chucking Gareth a beer. Gareth smiled gratefully and opened the beer, taking a long swig. He grabbed a slice of pizza, John following suit as the show began.
They watched in silence, each digging into the pizza and helping themselves to another beer when they were running empty. By the final few minutes of the show, both men had had more than a couple of beers and the pizza was gone. As Gareth watched Ianto drop to the ground in Thames house on screen, he felt the emotional tug which, had he been on his own, would soon have developed into tears. As it was, he was not alone and he wasn't willing to cry in front of John.
John had obviously noticed Gareth's difficulties however as he moved closer to him, reaching out a comforting hand to his friend as the man on screen declared his love to Jack. Filming that scene had been hard on both of them. The tears and emotions on screen were as real as they came. When they had first seen the scripts for the series, it had ended quite differently. It was only in later scripts that the decision had been made to kill Ianto. No one quite knew why it had happened but Torchwood had been torn apart. When John had seen what thy were going to do he had been outraged. He'd stormed into Russell's office and told him straight that if they were going to get rid of Ianto they had best get rid of Jack too. He hadn't actually expected them to do it. Still, at least it was open for Jack to return. Gareth's exit was more final. He hated it.
As the end credits rolled, Gareth felt the tears he'd been holding in since his last day of filming begin to escape. He not cried since he was a child, certainly not with an audience, but Ianto had been a huge part of his life and for him to be gone... it felt like a part of him was dead too.
John soothed Gareth as he cried, wrapping his arms round him and rocking him gently like he did for his nieces and nephews when they were small and had nightmares. All the while he whispered nonsense in Gareth's ear.
Neither knew how long they sat like that for. Eventually the pulled apart and Gareth looked at John through red rimmed eyes.
'Thanks.' he sniffled.
John just smiled lightly at him. 'You can return the favour tomorrow.'
Gareth closed his eyes for a second. He'd forgotten about that. Tomorrow it would be Johns turn to get emotional about his characters demise. Killing Ianto was bad, but what the writers had done to Jack was awful. Gareth knew how much John liked playing Captain Jack, being the hero that all the kids adored. What sort of reaction would it get when people find out that Captain Jack killed his own Grandson.
They sat in a companionable silence for a while, each lost in their own thoughts. It was Gareth who finally broke the silence,
'I keep thinking that this is all a dream. That Monday morning there'll be a phone call from Russell asking me to block out my diary for filming series 4. I don't know what I'm going to do with myself now.'
John nodded.
'I know what you mean. I keep hoping that it was all some big joke and actually it's going play out completely differently on screen. I'm going to miss it.'
He thought for a second before adding,
'I'm going to miss you.'
'I'm going to miss you too.' Gareth replied. 'But it's not like we'll never see each other again. We're mates, we'll keep in touch yeah?'
John shook his head.
'That's not what I meant and you damn well know it Gareth.' He answered, voice slightly raised. 'I'm going to miss seeing you every day. I'll miss your sense of humour, the way you can always pull me out of a bad mood. I'll miss your face, your eyes, your voice...' he trailed off before adding 'your kiss.'
The last was said so quietly that Gareth barely heard it. It took a moment for the words to register and their meaning to sink in but when it did Gareth's head shot up, eyes wide open meeting Johns gazing back at him.
'John, I...' Gareth wasn't sure how to respond. He knew what he wanted to say but there was a whole can of worms there that he really didn't think he was ready to open. He was saved from saying anything else when John continued.
'Gaz, please. I don't want to do this to you and I don't want to hurt our friendship but I've been bottling this up for three years now and I don't think I can hold it in any longer. Just, hear me out yeah? Then feel free to throw me out on my ear but hear me out first.'
He paused, waiting for Gareth's approval. After a few seconds, the younger man nodded his head and John continued.
'The first day I met you I was attracted to you. I mean, who wouldn't be - you're gorgeous! But you had a girlfriend and I had a boyfriend so I didn't say anything. Then as we started working and we had all those on screen kisses and we got to be good friends, I could feel myself falling for you.
It terrified me, in all honesty. I've been with Scott for so long and I love him completely but there I was having feelings for another man. I knew you wouldn't feel the same but it didn't stop the way I felt. Time went on and we did those conventions and we were messing about for the fans with the hugs and the kisses. One night, Scott cornered me. Asked me straight out how I felt about you. I've never been able to lie to him. So I told him the truth.'
Gareth had sat listening quietly thus far, but at this point a small gasp escaped him. John fancied him and Scott knew. Did Scott know that he was here tonight? Did he know they were having this conversation? The idea worried him slightly. The last thing he wanted was to cause a rift between them.
John smiled weakly at Gareth before continuing.
'Scott has always amazed me. Every time I think I've got him sussed out, he does something else to surprise me. When I told him about my feelings for you, he just smiled. He said he'd known for ages but he'd been wanting to hear it from me. I honestly thought that our relationship was over at that point but instead he told me that he loved me and that he would still be there no matter what. He did say that it was only fair that I talk to you though. He's been on at me for months to tell you how I felt but I've never managed to pluck up the courage before.
When I found out you were leaving Torchwood, I was devastated. The thought of barely seeing you any more hurts more than I ever thought possible.'
He paused, gathering his thoughts before finishing his speech.
'What I'm trying to say is, and I know that you probably don't want to hear it but I need to say it, I love you Gaz. I love you and I don't want to loose you. Even if we can only be friends, I'll take that. But please, don't let me loose you.'
Gareth picked up one of John's hands, holding it in his own and tracing intricate patterns on the skin with his own thumb. He knew it was his turn now. He just didn't know where to start. Finally he decided that the beginning was as good as any place to begin. he took a deep breath and opened his mouth,
'I make no secret of the fact that when I first met you I thought you were a bit of a knob.'
Both men laughed slightly at that.
'But then I got to know you and I came to realise that you really weren't. You were smart and funny and an amazing actor.
When the relationship moments started on screen, with the hugs and kisses and flirting and the like, I thought it would be weird but it really wasn't. I started finding myself dreaming about kissing you, thinking about you when I was with Sarah and later with Gemma. It terrified me that I was thinking about you that way. I'd never had feelings for a man before. It threw me for a loop completely.
When we did the cons and started messing around for the fans, I'd freak. As soon as I was alone afterwards, I'd just sit and try to convince myself it wasn't happening. I'd call Gem and talk for ages, just trying to remind myself how much I loved her. Trying to forget how your kisses made me feel.
I hoped things would get better but they only got worse. I felt like a love sick teenager; it was doing my head in!'
Gareth stopped for a moment. The next part was going to be the hardest to admit but now he'd started he needed to finish.
'Eventually, I decided that the only way to fix things would be to remove the problem. It was the hardest thing to do but I went to Russell and told him that I wanted Series 3 to be my last.'
John's jaw dropped at this admission.
'The re-writes?' he asked.
Gareth nodded.
'Russell and I spoke for ages. He asked me why and I told him that I just felt it was time for a change. That it hadn't been an easy decision but I felt it was the right one. He re-wrote the script and poof - dead Ianto.
After filming was done, I asked Gemma to marry me. Thought that starting a new life with her would solve it all. But it didn't.
I've spent the last few months avoiding you. I seriously considered pulling out of Torchsong until I heard that you wouldn't be there. I skipped the BFI preview because I couldn't handle seeing you and I purposely offered to do the publicity bits with Eve and not you.
And now you turn up on my door step and offer me the one thing I've been trying to keep myself from asking for. What am I supposed to do?'
John looked at him. He looked so young, so lost sitting there like that. A large part of John just wanted to grab him and kiss him and promise him that it would all be OK, that they would work things out. He wasn't sure that it was what Gareth wanted though.
Instead, John squeezed Gareth's hand.
'You are supposed to do what you want to do.' he told him. 'And if that is to tell me to get out and that you never want to see me again then go ahead. If of course, you want to do something else entirely then please feel free.' he smiled lightly.
Gareth closed his eyes and exhaled, long and slow. Finally he opened his eyes and looked straight into John's.
'Thank you.' He said.
With that he closed his eyes once more and leaned in slowly to brush his lips against John's.
John sighed into the kiss before starting to kiss Gareth back. Neither was sure who made the first move but the kiss deepened and they began exploring each others mouths.
They could have been there mere minutes or long hours, leisurely kissing each other, enjoying the exploration of something new. Eventually they parted and sat gazing at each other.
'John, I...' Gareth trailed off. He knew this was what he wanted but voicing it made it real and that was a scary thought. Gathering himself he continued.
'I want this. I want you.' he bit his bottom lip slightly and John knew what was coming next.
'But you want Gemma too?' he asked. Gareth nodded in admission.
'Fine. I can hardly argue with that, after all Scott is sitting at home waiting for me. This can be what ever you want it to be, I'm not going to turn you away.
Gareth smiled at him.
'I love you.' he said, barely a whisper.
John just grinned
'I love you too.'
He tilted his head in thought.
'Now. How do we get them to write you back into Torchwood?'